z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Train Ride

by Rook


Trees stretch into the day
and the last remnant of snow
lies on the ground.
Still freight trains carrying oil or sulfur
or nothing but air
lounge on the tracks next to ours.

Come around a corner
and the sky scrapers
are almost as tall as the mountains in my view.
almost.

The lady who sits across from me
closes her eyes in beatific rest
she wears the brave uniform
of the fast food industry
and she is the prettiest thing I’ve seen all day.
Prettier than the mountains
and trees
and puddles that reflect the sky full of silver clouds.

Now passing an oil refinery
with belches of flame spilling out of smokestacks,
and swallows nesting on the bars of seemingly infinite iron stairways.
Now passing a collection of storage units,
a steel fabrication company, and in the distance,
the low-flying airplanes that signify an airport.

There’s a smudge on the window,
at roughly eye level, where someone on a red-eye
must have rested their head
and felt the jolts and rumble and sway of the train
under silver stars.

The lady who sits across from me is awake now
her expression vaguely disgusted, vaguely world-weary.
She gets up and walks into the chill fair-weather day.
I wonder where she is going.


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Fri Apr 20, 2018 3:48 pm
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LeutnantSchweinehund wrote a review...



Hey, comin' 'round for a review. I apologize beforehand for going into something of a rant about traditional vs. contemporary poetry. Just thought it to be important to explain my feelings behind the topic, so as to reveal my reasoning behind the single criticism I have for your work.

While the topic is interesting, and I can see that your view was clear and remained so for the entirety of your work, there are a few things I can't say I personally enjoy.

It's the same old story, really, of me critiquing the lack of poetic form. Yes, of course, free verse is a perfectly valid form of poetry (though woefully overused and misused throughout the last century and a half), but it's not without flaws, and those flaws should be pointed out.

This work is a better example of well-used free verse than most of the 'free verse' seen out and about, roaming this poetic limbo, but it still gives me the impression of prose broken up into lines at times. Simply put, I am taken out of the flow. And that shouldn't really be happening.

From what I was taught by the school system, poetry is meant to be rather lyrical, to possess a certain meter and (optionally) rhyme scheme, to make it more memorable, since many poets recited their poems by heart. And even though free verse is, by definition, without rhyme or meter, it should still be lyrical - it should still focus more on ideas and thoughts, if not feelings, rather than a clear cut description of one's surroundings. I can happily say that you achieved that rather well.
Most great poets I can think of, including Shakespeare or, say, Puškin, stuck to at least some rules, whether it be a given meter, a rhyme scheme, a type of poem, or any other consistent guideline. Though it is true that Shakespeare enjoyed blank verse the most.

Of course, there is really no need for end-rhyme at all. It can be nice, it can be forced, it can be necessary and quite the opposite as well. Rhyme is just a bonus. What's important is form. Solid, consistent form. Then again, I'm a formalist, so I'll always be biased towards rigorous poetry showing the poet's great discipline in sticking to said consistent form.

Call me boring, that's just what I was taught. Of course poetry can be about literally anything in the universe or beyond it, but despite the 'progress' of the 20th century, I staunchly believe that poetry must conform to certain rules, just like prose does, lest it become a muddled mess of prose disturbingly crossbred with verse.

So that's really my only gripe. The lack of rhyme or meter. Unfortunately, it's not an objective critique. Very subjective. Hell, most people don't seem to care about meter or rhyme nowadays, or any rules, when it comes to poetry, so my advice is probably best left ignored, all things considered. It's just that for me personally, the poem hits a lot harder if it follows said rules.
That, and it shows that the poet gave his work a great amount of time and effort.

So in the end, I see poetry like I see art - it must follow rules in order to be truly good. Sure, the scribblings of a mad man or paint randomly thrown at a wall technically qualify as 'art' (why, I do not know), but is it necessarily good art? Now, don't get me wrong. Following rules doesn't make a poem good either, not inherently so. Hell, look at my poetry. It follows both a rhyme scheme and a strict meter (usually the iambic tetrameter in some shape of form), and my poems are mostly quite dull and stale.

Other than that, the ideas themselves behind your work were quite intriguing, deep, and I did enjoy reading through it, despite this gripe I had with it. So full steam ahead! Like I said, most people will disagree with me, so feel free to let go of my critique entirely.

Thanks for sharing, keep on pushing through! Poetry drives a person insane sooner or later, damned 'word-things'...

Kind regards,
Herr Schweinehund




Rook says...


I'd love to chat with you about form and craft sometime! This poem is just the first draft, literally just jotted down straight from my experience on a train. Since then I have revised it extensively and ordered it into stanzas composed of nonets.
I'd actually love to get your opinion on a few other works I have. Is there a time you'd be around and availabe to chat about poetry soon? :) I'll try to make it worth you while if you want points!



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Thu Apr 19, 2018 4:04 pm
StupidSoup says...



Beautiful. Only thing I can suggest is tinkering with the line about the airport. It seems a bit redundant. Amazing work.




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Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:41 pm
RoyalHighness wrote a review...



I have been trying for weeks to write a poem about my metro rides because I find them super poetic and great opportunities to study people. And here you've done it!

I love this so much. I love the way you introduce the woman, then leave her, then come back to her at the end. I have always loved your choice of words, particularly in poetry; the way you arrange sentences renders them both elegant and authentic effortlessly. I really could gush about your work all day.

Now the only critique I could have about this is the last three lines of the third stanza. Every single other image you have is so specific that this one seems oddly out of place, almost bland compared to the crackling liveliness of the other images. I would make those images of the mountains and trees and puddles specific.

Great job, fortis, as always. Your work is always a delight to read and here you've done it once again.




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Sat Mar 03, 2018 2:51 am
megan17 wrote a review...



Hello, Megan17 here with a review. Overall, I loved this poem. The description you used was wonderful. All of the detail made me feel like I was right there with the narrator. I especially loved when you wrote, "There’s a smudge on the window,
at roughly eye level, where someone on a red-eye
must have rested their head
and felt the jolts and rumble and sway of the train
under silver stars."
I can clearly see this happening in my mind. I also loved, "Trees stretch into the day
and the last remnant of snow
lies on the ground.
Still freight trains carrying oil or sulfur
or nothing but air
lounge on the tracks next to ours."
I am in awe of the detail put into this! I also thought the poem flowed very well. Great job, I hope to read more of your work!

-Megan17




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Sat Mar 03, 2018 1:14 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this poem about a real or imagined experience traveling long distance on a passenger train. I like the way that the varied scenery as viewed from the train is describe providing the reader with a sense of motion. The constant clatter of metal wheels on the metal rails is spot on as is the variety of the scenery which might be encountered depending on location and destination, or course, some experiences might prove to be more picturesque than others.

Suggestions

....where someone on a red-eye
must have rested [his or her or its] head....

The words somebody and someone always get a singular pronoun or verb.

someone, or somebody [was]

....in my view. [This is redundant since the reader knows that you are the one seeing these things.

[S]he wears....

First we must see exactly how the mountains and trees are pretty in order to appreciate how the woman’s beauty supersedes them. In other words show us. After all, not all trees are pretty. In fact, some are downright ugly and even sinister in appearance. Some like the Weeping Willow evoke sadness. Are they evergreen or deciduous trees? Are they shedding their leaves in a panorama of color? Exactly how are the mountains beautiful? Puddles where? In pastures? On the tundra? on streets of small towns the train passes? We can’t see anything specific unless told. The same holds true for the woman who is simply described as prettier than they are. That’s like saying prettier than a picture.

It wold be a good idea to first describe the train as stopping before telling us that the lady gets off. Otherwise it seems as she steps into different weather just by standing up.

The term “red-eye” made me pause and ponder momentarily because it resembles pink eye.

“....coming around the corner the sky scrapers....” This transfers motion to the skyscrapers instead of the train. [“....appearing around a corner....” is more accurate.]

All in all a very enjoyable reading experience. Looking forward to reading more of your work.





Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant