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by fishdive

The grey shadows of this sylvan setting sang an elegy.

As the wind ruffled through the trees with overpowering force, the once echoed despair was no more.

In the midst of this cacophony, a man lay on a crimson bed.

Devoured by rue he was now in a state of torpidity.

His soulless eyes facing the skies begged for pardon.

Fate however, had chosen otherwise. That night it chose to sing his requiem.

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332 Reviews

Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

Sun Aug 25, 2013 9:25 pm
Blackwood wrote a review...

Good job, I am curious what your ideas were as you wrote this. It seems like you put it as art, not a poem, not a story, and I see that it could be both. I enjoyed this small slice of prose, and I feel like it is something of a collection of words that place poetic meaning.
I like your extended metaphor of music and sound, starting with elegy and continuing it with echo, cacophony and sing.
I like how you have rhymes but they are not obviously blatant such as at the end of lines, I like this subtlety.
You have missed a couple of bits of punctuation, for example a comma here:

Devoured by rue, he was now in a state of torpidity.

also I feel like this line is a bit of a mouthful.
As the wind ruffled through the trees with overpowering force, the once echoed despair was no more.

Try rephrasing it and try to take out a few unnecessary words. Good job and keep writing.

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37 Reviews

Points: 613
Reviews: 37

Sun Aug 25, 2013 5:40 am
LeoPenrhythm wrote a review...

Helllooooooo!!!!! Leo here to review....

Requiem...hearing this word makes me remember Mozart!!! If i look this piece as some sort of symphony going on, the symphony of a death of a person (requiem) then it is very pleasant..."But" when i try to read it and understand what it is trying to convey, the meaning is too hollow for niteowl said, there seems to be no connection in the lines...the setting is
also the man lying on a crimson bed in the forest?????

If you want to change the setting, then get hold of some descriptive terms or words to carry the reader to that another setting...

"His soulless eyes" to me didn't make any sense to be honest...has it got anything to do with penitence???????

The last line is dramatic...It feels good to read it...the power of fate over is a slave to it....

Thank you:-)

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1269 Reviews

Points: 37974
Reviews: 1269

Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:19 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there fishdive and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here for the Green Lanterns this fine Review Day!

Overall, I agree with Elinor. There's a lot of pretty wording and imagery here. However, it doesn't really seem to fit together that well. The beginning starts in a "sylvan setting", with wind and trees and green leaves and such...then there's a dying man on a red bed? It seems rather disconnected to me. It might make more sense if you elaborate on why he is begging for pardon.

Devoured by rue he was now in a state of torpidity.

This is far and away your weakest line. Rue is more often used as a verb, and the last half is a very awkward way of saying he was tired or lethargic. There's also a notable lack of imagery. I might go more into showing the weariness...slow movements, aching limbs, eyes struggling to stay awake, etc.

Overall, I think this has some interesting wording and an interesting images, but it could do with more substance. I love short pieces just as much as the next guy, but this feels like it's meant to be part of something bigger rather than a standalone piece.

Welcome again and keep writing! :)

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1234 Reviews

Points: 2948
Reviews: 1234

Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:00 am
Elinor wrote a review...

Hi fishdive,

This is a really good piece. While short, it's to the point and powerful. Since you categorized this under art/theater - I'm wondering, do you intend it to be performed? Or is it merely a piece about performance?

While certainly descriptive, I suppose only complaint would be that this poem is a little too wordy, and it clouds the meaning. While you should try to be as descriptive as possible in your work, make sure you're painting a clear image above all. I'm not really sure what this supposed to be about, just that it's nice and that you're a good writer.

Good luck with this! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions - I hope to see more work from you in the near future.

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Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:27 pm
fishdive says...

Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data