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by driver

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570 Reviews

Points: 30060
Reviews: 570

Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...

Hey there driver! I'm here to leave a review.

So first off, I think the voice in section I and II is really strong - it's forceful and speaks directly to the audience. For some reason, in section III there is a disconnect from this strong forceful voice (almost like it's a new speaker). The speaker in section III seems less direct and forceful, I think taking out the brackets would make it go together more, unless you're going for a different tone in the third section, in which case, I'd keep it.

I think a lot of the theme of this piece is pretty ambiguous, I can see some recurring themes of like second guessing, caution, direction, and careful speech but I don't see like an overarching physical/grounding conflict. I think that making some of the images in the three stanzas link together more (like if in the 3rd section the prescription was washed down with sea water for instance) it would make the poem feel like it had a more cohesive conflict that the reader could connect to.

To be clear, even though I didn't really get what was going on in this piece, I nevertheless did enjoy your use of language! The opening line is unique and attention getting, and the metaphors and imagery continue to be attention-holding throughout the piece. I especially liked the thought of "the world cripples under your/footprint" - the fact that it's a footprint rather than foot is just really interesting, it's like why does this subject leave such a lasting impression? Very interesting.

Overall, an interesting read but could just use a little less ambiguity in my opinion. I look forward to reading more of your pieces!


driver says...

Thanks very much for the suggestions! I'll be sure to keep them in mind. :)

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1079 Reviews

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Reviews: 1079

Wed Apr 19, 2017 11:03 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

Hi there, driver, and welcome to the site! I'm Nikayla, dropping in for a review, so without any further introductions, let's jump right into this.

I've found that poems that include Roman numerals to show their different parts are an interesting structure to follow, though I don't think that it makes a poem automatically stronger, since it's more of a structure-based stylistic choice than anything else. The first stanza is one that pinned me down to the poem and kept my interest, which is crucial. Keeping your readers involved and having a well-executed hook can be the difference between your reader clicking out the tab or not.

The first line seems to be saying to keep deceit up your sleeve, which I find to be an interesting theme to start out with. What I'm not a large fan of in the starting stanza is the wording, to an extent, or rather, the meaning behind it. I'm not sure how I feel about 'bunny-eared' as an adjective here since it feels a little off from the tone that you've already built up in the piece.

The other side of this as well, is, it's unclear what the second and third lines mean, even if they sound poetic. You may know what they mean, but your reader doesn't, even if you think you may have been clear enough. I enjoy the imagery involved in the couplet after the introductory stanza with the ziplocking of teeth and tying of shoes. The third stanza is strong, though a problem that I feel throughout 'I' is that while the idea is rooted in the ground, your imagery tends to hop around a little bit.

I want the stanzas to flow into each other a little better. Try to connect the shoes in the second stanza to the approaching stanza a bit more. I love the ideas in the third stanza, although I wanted to bring up that lines four and five don't connect all that well. I think that placing a period at the end of line four would be beneficial and taking out 'but' in line five since words like 'because' or 'but' are often only filler and interrupt the flow of the piece.

Moving onto the second part of the poem, I like this part for bringing up the shoelaces again to keep some form of consistency in the piece, though I don't like how it's executed, or in other words, the second line needs a little reworking. As the reader, I don't know what you mean by swallowing the shoelaces here and I think clarity would be beneficial here.

I also noticed in the second stanza that it now takes on beach-related imagery, which I found to be a little bit random. It's a little late in the poem to introduce this whole new aspect that takes up two stanzas. This doesn't mean I hate the content of the piece here, though, because I most definitely don't, it's just a little out of place.

I believe that the third part is easily the weakest in this piece for the fact that it doesn't relate much to the rest of the piece. In ways, it does, but I don't feel a conclusion with this stanza because in no way shape or form does it reference 'I' or 'II' with its few last lines.

I believe that this part of the poem should be reworked, or at least, you should look into it because as of now I don't believe it to be that strong. Perhaps keep the idea of the last stanza in your mind while editing (if you choose to, anyway) but add in what you've already built on such as the shoelaces and beach imagery for a more complete finale here. I do question about why you chose the title to be 'placebo'. Is it due to the Placebo effect, or perhaps another reason? I'd like to find out more about that if you could tell me. It's a solid piece though I feel the flaw running throughout is the jumping from place to place of topics and imagery and tying these ideas together more would make for a stronger poem.

If you have any questions about the review, feel free to ask! I'm always open to having more discussion about the piece. As always, best wishes, and I hope I helped!

driver says...

Hi Nikayla, thanks so much for your criticism! In retrospect, this piece is weak and could use a lot of improvement. Your comments will help me a lot moving forward. :)

Kaylaa says...

I don't believe it's weak, haha. It's quite the piece for what you already have here. My pleasure to give criticism, and if you ever need a review on another piece, don't be afraid to ask. I'm glad I helped you, though! ^^

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68 Reviews

Points: 794
Reviews: 68

Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:53 am
Midnightmoon wrote a review...

Hi there! Midnightmoon here for a review! First off, I love the humor in here. I mean, the poem isn't exactly clear, like whether it has a point or not, but that's the fun of it! :D. What I like best though, is that there is a point, but how hidden it is. How the reader has to look for it. I didn't really notice any corrections that need doing, so great job! Welcome to YWS and I hope you like it here!

Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly