the drugs, the devil, and me

Hello there, Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. I will start by trying to fix most of your capitalization and punctuation deals, well the ones I see that is. Corrections should be in bold.


[quote="darkfictionboys"]My hands tightened their grip, as if on their own. The word accord would sound nice after this sentence. I looked down, my eyes wild, and my heart racing from the meth. Hereyes rolled back. This is not a sentence. I would suggest adding it to the next sentence, and then making it something like, "Her ice blue eyes rolled back in her head," except use description. those ice blue eyes.... I could see the blue veins appear around my fingers, her blood begging for air.

"The air, its not coming back to you, so just die already, you manipulative bitch." I whispered in her ear.

I leaned over her more, trying to keep her from struggling. Her delicate hands were I would emit the word were in this sentence. pulling and scratching at mine, Put the word "in" here. a useless attempt. The meth, it made me do crazy things, This particular sentence is very sloppy. I would put something more like, "Meth makes me do crazy things, it messes with your emotions...etc." especially when my emotions were high..... I chuckled. High. I was high right now. tears were streaming down her goddess like face. Even when her features were twisted into a mask of horror, she still looked beautiful. My hands tightened more, and the veins became clearer. Her mouth opened, and I caught the slightest murmur coming from her lips, " Gaile, please, please...." The words fell onto my brain like a ton of bricks. They jarred my head, a horrible throbbing feeling. I was coming down from my high, back to reality, as if i had been on a plane, and jumped. The parachute never opened. I blinked, my vision still a little blurred by the side effects of the meth. My hands still had a vice like grip on her small neck. Chloe was under me, her beautiful pale blonde hair fanned out on the grungy ground of the mouth of the alley. I unlocked my fingers, and she immediately gasped and coughed. I snapped my head up, the parking lot we were half in was practically empty. Half in? A few strippers were leaving the club, a quick glimpse of flashing lights, and a short burst of kinky music before the door closed after them. It was late at night. Good, no one had seen. Chloe was still under me, gagging and holding her neck. I suddenly realized what I had just done. I glanced away in pure shame, my face burning. I was on my haunches, bent over the girl, I was truly monstrous. I shakily got up, supporting myself against the brick wall. Chloe turned over, and was on her hands and knees, her hair hanging around her face, still coughing. " Chloe, I-I..." I didn't know where to start in talking to her after how I acted, after everything that happened. Her rose pink frock was torn and covered in grime. Her tiny matching purse was a little way off.

Well to be honest, I had a lot of trouble reading this, and was really annoyed with your lack of basic grammar. I fixed all of your spelling errors, but I didn't bother with a lot of the other stuff. All the letters that should have been capitalized are now, and I make a couple of suggestions. I know that you meant to put it in general fiction, but you could turn this into a romance if you wanted to. I can see the possibilities. Also it's not meth that makes you want to fight, it's heroine.

I think this has potential, but you need to help us relate to the characters. I can see this as a how the present is, and then you comment on the past. That is the only way I can see this working though. I don't really have much more to say. If you need more advice feel free to pm me.

-Flower-

and another thing, this is in no way like my life. at all.

thanks for your reviews, and I'm sorry, but this piece is only in this category because i put it in the wrong one. i was going to put this into the general fiction, but i accidentally chose this one. sorry.

Right, this isn't romance... not sure which category it goes into at the moment because it's not horror either, at least I didn't find it scary. Anyway, major grammar editing needs to be done. Paragraphing, sentences beginning with capitals, punctuation. It seems like you may be the type of person who gets all of the ideas out at once excluding all grammar and then goes back to do all the fine tuning. So, do said fine tuning, and figure out which category this goes into because this is not romance, unless you think it is in which case you need help.

Firstly-if this is based on your own life, please get help. Right now.


Secondly, I could only skim this because there are so many mistakes. Please message me after you edit. I'll be glad to take a second look.

Okay.. I will admit.. I did not finish this.
But neither did you.
So we're even. ^^

Okay.. this is what I got. No background or explanations. Which is okay in some pieces.. but isn't really working in this one. There's pain, but we have no emotional connection to anyone..

Also.. major edits are needed. That's why I couldn't read it. I'm a grammar freak.
And.. there was no grammar.
So.. ouch for me.

Anywho.. I would use this as a draft, correct mistakes in spelling and grammar, perhaps establish some background or some type of opening so we aren't randomly thrust into a crazy situation, when we have no idea what's going on. And.. finish it.


Cool title though. ^^
-Coral-

OKay.. I agree! This is soooooooooooooo not romance. It should be in Death curdling scariness!!
I'm terrifed-Gunna have nightmares. You really need to edit this.

darkfictionboys wrote:My hands thightened thier grip, as if on thier own.

darkfictionboys wrote:her tiny matching purse was a little way off.

holy

editing is needed
this is not romance

if this is about your life, go get some help