Young Writers Society

hi century! this a review for the in depth review event

overall themes
you capture that feeling of the emptiness that comes from loss so well. there's nostalgia in there, and the mixture of hurt and love you feel when you lose someone. the tone of this is quiet and resigned except for some parts which are full of pain like,

i still plead, in the back of my mind. why couldn't you stay?

i love the reflective quality of the poem!

critiques
1- there is the bittersweetness mentioned in the second stanza, but i feel like you should explore this further. in the next few stanzas you talk about the bitter part, but need more of the sweet part too. maybe carry forward that reflection on how, in the little time the narrator had, they chose to love the "you"? i want this sentiment to be carried forward,

i still wish i had more time with you. but you know that
time is finite. and you know i loved you.

2- in the first stanza, the last two lines,

open wounds. hurts more than it does to leave your
life behind in hopes of saving them.

this gets a bit confusing, and honestly it doesn't feel like this part flows. is the "your" the person the narrator is talking to, or is it the general "you" we say to no one in particular? and how does leaving save someone? and who is leaving who? maybe you could explore this part more so that it makes more sense to the reader who does not have the context you do!
3- your first two stanzas have regular lines of the same length, that changes in the third stanza. is that to represent the brokenness the narrator feels at the loss? i'm curious about that!
4- the third stanza also has this line,

so that your sister, no, wait. so that i wouldn't be so alone. because nothing works out for me. i just wanted more time.

what if you removed the sister bit? or explained its relevance to the poem a little bit more? the entire poem has a conversational but nostalgic tone, and this doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. if that is done on purpose, maybe explore why and make it a bit more obvious?

best lines
1-

i often try to mourn the loss of things i've found already,
because nothing prepares you for how much losing
something you love hurts. hurts more than salt on
open wounds.

this is a wonderful start that immediately pulled me in!! the first line is literally the best. like its about the narrators dread of loss. this gives me a sense of hopelessness. like there is something to be feared about finding things even, because finding them makes the losing inevitable. because you cannot lose something you never found
2-

time always runs out. or maybe i just couldn't give enough to you.

i love how the narrator seems to blame themselves for losing this other person. this is so thought provoking. what if we did have all the time but just didn't give it to the important things/people? what if we blame the idea of time running out to avoid the guilt that comes from knowing it wasn't really time, it was us? very striking and thoughtful. i love the way you phrase this bit.
3-

the house is quiet now, but it is far from being empty.

this ending is just perfect. it sums up the bittersweet message of the whole poem. it seems to have double meanings. the house being "far from empty" could be about empowerment, and how the narrator is realising there's still something left to live for. or it could be about them ruminating on the condition of their own existence. and thinking about their life without the loved one.

overall
this was a very well though out poem with a beautiful message. it's full of quiet reflections that contrast with the pain in some of the lines. i'm glad i got to read this poem and review it!!
i hope you're okay <3

Hai :3

This poem feels like a quiet storm of emotion ~~ There’s such a delicate balance between loss, love, and regret that really pulls at you. You’ve captured the experience of grieving, not just the moment of loss but the slow, agonizing process of reliving it in your head. Aaa!! I’m already hooked!! Your style is so unique.

The way you mention mourning something before you’ve even lost it; wow, that’s such a unique and relatable thought!! It’s like you're anticipating the pain because you know it’s coming, but you also know nothing can prepare you for the real thing. It's perfect with the metaphor of salt on open wounds. OUCH! You feel that sting right away, and it’s such a visceral way to describe heartache. It's not easy to write about loss, but I feel your emotions so intensely. It's like I'm in your shoes.

It’s like, no matter how much time you had, it’s never enough. The acknowledgment that “time is finite” and “you know I loved you” feels like an attempt to console both yourself and whoever you’re mourning, which is so raw and tender. It breaks my heart!! It’s like you're unraveling your own defenses line by line.

i still plead, in the back of my mind. why couldn't you stay?
but, then again, i know why you couldn't. it would pain me to hear you cry again,
but i almost wish i could. so that the home wouldn't feel so empty.

Chills.

The house is quiet but not empty ~~ that’s such a powerful ending stanza. It’s like there’s still something lingering, whether it’s memories, pain, or maybe even the ghost of what you’ve lost. It leaves you with this heavy, bittersweet feeling that lingers. It's almost like you’re questioning your own role in the loss throughout that last stanza, which is common when grieving. I haven't had to feel a loss like this in a long time, but this poem brings me right back. When I read this, it teleported me.

time always runs out. or maybe i just couldn't give enough to you.

Same with what I said above!! It’s such a haunting self-reflection. The way you handle the theme of loss, especially the nuanced feelings of guilt, longing, and acceptance, is beautifully done. This is heart-wrenching!!

I'm sorry for your loss!! <3 If no one else is here for you, poetry is.

- Payton

Hey Herb I am stopping by to review this lovely poem of yours. I always love your poetry, but this one hit me, especially deep, considering the topic of grief. Let's jump right into the review, shall we?

i often try to mourn the loss of things i've found already,

because nothing prepares you for how much losing

something you love hurts. hurts more than salt on

open wounds. hurts more than it does to leave your

life behind in hopes of saving them.

I love the beginning of this. To me, the speaks to the topic of taking things for granted. Just yesterday, I was talking with someone close to me about the loss of our cat. They expressed to me how they didn't realize that they were taking the relationship for granted until it was gone. In this poem, I love how you state that morning, for some thing that has already been found. There's no way to prepare for that feeling of loss. We can imagine it 1000 ways, but we never know exactly how much it's going to hurt until it happens. I like the simple phrases that you used starting with the word "hurts".

i still wish i had more time with you. but you know that

time is finite. and you know i loved you

One thing that I wanted to point out that I really loved, was the simplicity and directness of your words. You use this continually throughout the entire poem. I know some poems go on for a very long time and use a lot of commas to connect the phrases. But in this poem, there are a lot of periods. That feels symbolic to me.

the house is quiet now, but it is far from being empty.

I love this ending so much. We often associate emptiness with the quiet. But it's not empty, the noise is left, perhaps, echoing the emptiness which has joined this home since this friend left us. Overall, this was really beautiful and simple and direct but profound and strong. It's interesting how poems about grief and death can yield the most strength and relatability. Fantastic work. Can't wait to read more!

Your friend,
Ellie