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watch your own demise, slowly

by tweezers



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Points: 275
Reviews: 6

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Sat Sep 18, 2021 11:39 pm
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snorfus wrote a review...



Hey! Here for a review. This poem makes me feel funny.

Which isnt good or bad, its subjective. For starters it made me f e e l which should be part of the goal. I like the first line, its a hellhva hook. I always say you write poetry because you need to put words to what youre feeling. But you share it because someone else has felt it and never put words to it. In other words its about relating your readers to your experience, and you got me relating already. However i got lost pretty quick afterwards, despite rereading several times.
Heres my best understanding of it.

I was picking up on suicidal themes, tho i couldnt distinguish if it was "him" or "i". I think it was the "i" after rereading but the line "rethink everything and anything. He'ill figure something out." That confused me. It makes it seem like hes the one jumping from the bridge, but iiii have a feeling thats not the intention. And i also think that his mom telling him to look nice is for your funeral? Idk! His mom has an interesting place in the poem, another thing you get me relating to, moms sometimes make an appearance in poems i make about people i love/hate/feelstrongly about.

I am a big fan of the resolution, not sure where the homeless man ties in but i figure hes just a vehicle to deliver a theme that youve learned in life and included him since youve used it in your poem. When you care for everything nothing cares for you. It makes sense with the rest of the poem and was a great line to choose as the ending.

I see alot of lines that hook hook hook (you really do a good job with this, you manifest confusion in a beautiful way and it makes me as a reader super intrigued and focused on what happens next) with no foundation/explanation and it can be a tad frustrating at times, but art is what you make it so if thats what youre going for then dont take it as a criticism. I feel all the emotions i think, sadness and frustration, but not understanding the context makes it more difficult to relate myself to you.


Trust me, I'm an open minded reader and I am a sucker for abstract wording and emotions of confusion especially in poetry! But i also think that vagueness is best in doses, and best when paired with literalism. For example, when i get lost in a metaphor or like to describe things only in specific details that only make sense to me, i will usually add a buffer, like a super literal line that adds context to an otherwise confusing stanza or scene. I think you can have alot of space to do that here.

Dont stop writing! I can see from this poem that you have alot going for you and probably alot more poems to write! So get busy :)




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27 Reviews


Points: 114
Reviews: 27

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Sat Sep 18, 2021 11:17 pm
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lukekazey wrote a review...



Hey, Luke here for a quick review.

I'm gonna dive right in with initial thought, then talk about things that I liked, some possible suggestions for improvement, and then a summary.

Initially, I'm struggling to fully understand this poem. I feel like I'm looking through a window into your mind as a poet rather than being invited in through the door, and thats fine. As poets we often lay our souls bare, but even through the little part you've shared with us, I value your openness and vulnerability. It takes courage, because theres something deeply sad about this poem. So yes, I'm struggling to understand your true meaning, I feel like I'm understanding your feelings, and thats pretty beautiful.

A first thing that I love is the formatting of this poem. Its really simple and yet effective- especially the use of italics. It makes the speech more haunting and beautiful. My favourite stanza is definitely the first- its subtly dramatic and immediately engaged me, and it feels softly and gorgeously poetic in its voice.

In terms of improvement, I think you could possibly let the reader in a little more; let them have more insight into your ideas and the meaning of your poetry. Obviously, poetry is inherently meant to be able to be interpreted in so many different ways, but sometimes its good to give the reader a little guidance along the way.

Overall, I think your poetic voice is beautiful, and you have such an eloquence with your words. However, perhaps your ideas could benefit from some further clarity. Im so excited to read more of your work though!! Keep writing :)

Yours,
Luke




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Points: 128
Reviews: 2

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Sat Sep 18, 2021 2:40 pm
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pragyarchana wrote a review...



Hey,
Came across this work and decided to write little something here.
Although I had a little trouble understanding this work which has a lot of depth inside, I can feel some pain. You must be going through something unavoidable yet unlikeable in your life. Maybe it is a complex relationship or failure one encounters in life. But finding your solace in writing and penning down something so wonderfully woven is great.

All in all nice, but I would suggest writing a note sharing your theme of the poem and what it indicates.

Regards





cron
As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin