Young Writers Society

Hello, bluewaterlily. I'm here because you have asked me to review your poem. I must say that I really enjoyed it. The flow was very nice and the imagery was as well. I'm not all about free verse writing because frankly I like when they rhyme >.< but I liked this one a lot. And I have some tips for you...

When the candle of your life blinked out,
it made the pinprick in my heart swell
into a gaping black hole I didn't know
I had the space to feed.

The stars of my mind flashed out of being,
and more black holes engulfed my universe.

Does that explain why the stars in my sky-
the very ones you strung to the clothesline of the night canvas-
to chase away the bedtime monsters when I was a kid-

Does that explain why the stars in my sky-
the very ones you strung to the clothesline of the night canvas-
to chase away the bedtime monsters when I was a kid-
are now charred remnants of a broken past
with too much love that erupted my sky all at once?

Denial,
Anger,
Bargaining,
Depression,
Acceptance
are matchsticks to turn a spark into a forest fire.

now soiled with Grief's wine stain kiss.

a ghostly orchestra conducted.by the jukebox of my memories

Grief is the pair of Alpha and Omega wolves,
gnawing on my bones,
fighting each other for the leftovers
of my skeleton.

I think I like this title more!

Hi bluewaterlily, Felistia here with a review on your poem.

This is a really beautiful poem and has so much emotion packed into every stanza. It almost had me in tears because of the concept you decided to put into the poem. You take a lot of time explaining how the narrator is in pain (and I am sure that you were in pain when you were writing this. ) I love that you made Grief like a character, one that hides in the shadows and rakes you with it's painful claws. You compered a Grief to a lot of things like wolves which really fleshed out the character and emotion well and helped me picture what the narrator is going through.

I just have one little suggestion and it could just be me when it comes to this. In the line (When the candle of your life blinked out,) you said blinked when describing the flame of a candle going out and I just can't picture that. It makes me think of a light bulb blinking out. Maybe change the word to (snuffed) or (blew)(Terrible suggestions):D That is just me problem and feel free to ignore me.

Over all a great, beautiful poem and I look forward to more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Lilyyy

Like, I've already said, this has left me in awe. I really don't have anything valuable to add to it because I think this is perfect. Since I am no good at poetry, I'll refrain on commenting on the technicalities, because quite honestly I don't even have anything to add.

Keep up the great work. Looking forward to more such pieces.

Love,
Mia

I really liked this poem : ) I like how you used the universe/outer space to describe grief, and how it is a "shapeshifter", something you both learn from and receive pain from (and all the metaphors you used for grief). A few notes:

-I would stay consistent with your capitalization, which seems to begin with capitalizing after every period: "But" on line 28 and "Lost" on line 41 are really the only ones that seem out of place (I think you might've meant to put a period on line 40? Possible typo?)
-Another typo (pretty sure this time): "conducted.by" line 43
-Since stanzas 9 and 16 are very similar, and the last stanza is also about wolves, I would maybe combine the last two for less repetition/better flow (although it still works the way you have it--just a suggestion :3 )

Overall:
I loved reading this and your metaphors are really creative and amazing! Great job!