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The old dwarf road: part 2

by black templar


When the army reached the chewed old dwarf road they saw that a very quick and crude palisade had been put up halting their march. The palisade said on it” we ave got 700 orks are you scared??” As Gerhart read this out to his troops they started to mutter saying how they only had 300 dwarfs. When Gerhart heard a distant shout saying “the orks trolls will just eat us!” he had a sudden flashback of when he was just a private and not a colonel. His best friend was scooped up by a troll's scabby stone grey hands and tossed into its mouth like he was nut. He crunched like a nut as well. After having this flashback Gerhart stepped up onto a boulder and replied “If you don't want to fight then fine you have my permission to leave,but just remember this fight is for our city of Grimnir and for all the people in it.” At that moment everything was quiet and still, no-one had left everyone wanted to stay.”Thank you” Gerhart said softly. Meanwhile major Gorbag was marching his ork army toward the old dwarf road, they weren't scared they were orks they lived for battle and the screams of the innocent. Suddenly an ork let out a terrible shriek “Gorbag we've caught a scout, what shall we do with him?”

“hehehe....behead him!” A rusty axe swooped down, cutting the air and also cutting the dwarf scout's head off leaving a dribble of blood on the cold,dirty floor.


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Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:06 am
Killer-Ewok wrote a review...



I liked it, cant wait to the actuall battle, but when you write it about the battle, make sure to include the sourroundings of your hero, imangine your him for a second and think what you can see, hear and smell, for example, if it was a a plain dusty road with a couple of dead plants by the side, and there was the smell of troll or orc or something




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Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:56 pm
black templar says...



thanks twilight it helped...a bit




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Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:02 pm
*Twilight* wrote a review...



Yes, this one is better but you still need to include more description of the dwarf's surroundings.


After having this flashback Gerhart stepped up onto a boulder and replied “If you don't want to fight then fine you have my permission to leave,but just remember this fight is for our city of Grimnir and for all the people in it.” At that moment everything was quiet and still, no-one had left everyone wanted to stay.”Thank you” Gerhart said softly.


This is your work.^

And this is how I might fix it.

Notice the underlined part, I added a little bit more description to make it easier to picture.

After having his flashback Gerhart stepped up onto a large boulder overlooking the army of dwarfs. He stared out at the cowardly soldiers, and with a stern expression on his face he said:"If you don't want to fight that is fine you have my permission to leave, but just remember that we are fighting for Grimnir, our beloved city. And the people of Grimnir are counting on us! Do you want to let them down and leave them for the orks!?" Gerhart watched the soldiers
waiting for them to leave, but none budged. They all stared at Gerhart with blank faces for a moment and then one of the dwarves in the back raised his sword in the air and shouted. "For Grimnir!" Soon after all of the dwarves joined in. "For Grimnir, For Grimnir!" They shouted with high spirits. "Thank you," Gerhart said softly as a grin spread across his face.

See what I did? I made the paragraph more dramatic by having Gerhart's speech raise the soldiers spirits. Maybe you didn't plan to have them act so brave in the upcoming battle but I just wanted to give an example. If you think hard enough you can use dialouge to really influence the characters. Like Gerharts speech did. Do you understand what I mean?



I hope this helped you more than it confused you. I'm bad at explaining things through text.




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Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:29 am



both part 1 and part 2 were good. it would be easier to read if it wasn't just one collective paragraph, but a bucnh of smaller ones.




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Sun Feb 05, 2006 12:42 pm
black templar says...



I really hope this is better than the last one, if it is'nt I will try harder.





Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.
— Maya Angelou