Hey babe, sorry I'm so behind on reviewing but evidently I learned how to be a grade A procrastinator this weekend. XD Anyways, on to the review!
So, this is a really good first YWS poem! I love the imagery you have, I mentioned before I especially liked "burning, bright electric eyes/piercing the heavens above..." The length of this poem, I thought, was also perfect for the idea you're trying to transmit. I think you were able to fully describe the horror detailed in "Night", but you did it fairly quickly, which allowed readers to remain interested throughout the whole of the poem. However, while there was very much that I did like about this poem, there were still things that I think you could change that might make it even better.
First, I think this would work better in stanzas. The way you have the lines grouped in a sort of pattern would make it perfect to split them every six lines. I just think it would look/feel more natural that way, but that is completely my opinion, and it's up to you what you want to do. If you need help working with the YWS formatting, just let me know.
Second, I was a little bit confused about you punctuation. While you did have some, for example you had a period at the end of every six lines, it seemed as if in other places where punctuation was necessary it was omitted. I feel as if you should make this more uniform so that it has a bit of better flow. I would either remove all punctuation or add in some more at places where you think it would feel natural.
Anyways, good job with this poem! As I said before, I generally liked, but I do hope you address those specific things that I mentioned so that your poem can be even better.
Thanks for the read, and good luck!
herbgirl
Points: 575
Reviews: 193
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