Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Teen Fiction

16+ Violence Mature Content

Secret of Rosewatch// Trying to improve it

by angelajoybmallari


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Rosewatch, a small town, commonly known as a town for prominent, elite and wealthy families of America. and I, for one is part of the circle.

Rosewatch was everyone's dream town, it became more of like a social status, considering its exclusivity and the pride this town could give you just by living here.

it's like Hollywood, home of rich and famous, but people who lives in Rosewatch were way richer but not that famous, more likely, just famous for people who's also in the same industry as them.

Rosewatch has always been like that, rich people is surrounded by people who has the same status as them, everything in this town was glamour, extravagant, precious and priceless. until a group of people from the outside came...

Around year of 2000s, a group of families campaigned against the town of Rosewatch, saying it is unfair to the other people who we call, outsiders and it is a form of discrimination against lower class. which to be fair is actually was.

they exposed Rosewatch to media, until we just realized, these people are now our neighbors.

and that's how the Rosewatch, an exclusive town for prominent people, became just a simple town.

--

year, 2016

"Reese, I just still can't believe Rosewatch is not just for us anymore." Jonathan said, while staring outside my bedroom window looking at our middle-class neighbors, The Welsch.

I didn't replied, my eyes were just so busy reading a novel about a wolf that fell in love with a human. cliche, right? that's my thing.

"Reese! God, please listen!" I did not realized, Jonathan was already beside me, shouting at my left ear.

"Okay! My god, you want to kill my ear, don't you?" I told him, then close the book that I was reading, and looked at him while pointing at my left ear which is still hurt because of what he did a while ago.

He rolled my eyes at me, and lay down at my plain white memory foam bed. (I know it's not your typical expensive bed, but hey, It's comfortable.) and just deeply sighed.

"you remembered how rosewatch used to be? I mean, we're all rich here, how come this happened?" he said, then let out a very deep-sighed. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
348 Reviews


Points: 17842
Reviews: 348

Donate
Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:43 am
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey there! Dreamy here for a short review!

I'm intrigued by the premise. A rich, or "high class" are exposed by the "lower class" to the media and now, the "high class" have to live alongside the "lower class". It's different, definitely. Usually, a lot of stories are written on the war between the classes but this story is about what happens when the two classes do come together and live alongside. Woah! (Sounds pretty much like the present but if we're honest, they do have their "own area" specifically for themselves. Interesting story-line.

And I absolutely agree with salia4, this introduction needs lot of proof-reading. Right now, this reads like an idea for a story-line not story itself. The first part of the chapter, which I believe is a prologue needs some work. You seem to have repeated the things twice, for example:

it's like Hollywood, home of rich and famous, but people who lives in Rosewatch were way richer but not that famous, more likely, just famous for people who's also in the same industry as them.

Rosewatch has always been like that, rich people is surrounded by people who has the same status as them, everything in this town was glamour, extravagant, precious and priceless. until a group of people from the outside came...


Both the paragraphs deliver the same message, so I'd suggest you to take one out.

"Okay! My god, you want to kill my ear, don't you?"


Kill an ear? That weird, never heard anyone say that. xD

He rolled my eyes at me,


I think you mean, "He rolled his eyes at me."

(I know it's not your typical expensive bed, but hey, It's comfortable.) and just deeply sighed.


I don't think there's a need for this explanation. You have already established the financial status, so why explain again whether the characters are using "expensive" things are not.

"you remembered how rosewatch used to be? I mean, we're all rich here, how come this happened?" he said, then let out a very deep-sighed.


The change in tense is prominent here. "Do you (or just You) remember how Rosewatch used to be? I mean, we were all rich here, how come this happened?" he said, letting out a very deep sigh." Or something like that.

I also like how the characters introduced in this chapter are people from Rosewatch. Reading the story from their point of view, since they would have had to lose everything, will definitely be a different experience. Good luck in writing the story!

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 84
Reviews: 17

Donate
Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:52 pm
salia4 wrote a review...



OK, so I don't want to seem nitpicky, but I understand writing in general is extremely difficult, so I want to start at the beginning, I didn't really understand the first line, whether you were saying for once you were part of the circle, or you currently are, in the second case I would end the first sentence with a semicolon and make the phrase "America; where I, for one, am part of the circle".

I also noticed your paragraphing seems to be a bit off, as you could connect paragraphs two and three, also make sure to watch for capitalization at the beginning of each new sentence.

In the fourth paragraph, first sentence you could do without the is after "rich people" so it would be "rich people surrounded by.."

Next paragraph should be either "around the 200s" or "around the year 200"

the comma in this phrase, "to the other people who we call, outsiders and it is a form .." isn't placed properly and should instead read "to the other people, who we call outsiders, and it is a form..."

when transitioning to the next portion of the story you could simply say "Year: 2016" rather than "years, 2016"

Also, make sure you pay attention to the tense as I notice you switch often between past and present and this can cause confusion to the reader.

I like the story, it is intriguing, however there are a lot of errors in the dialogue and with the tense and phrasing that make it hard to understand, I wish you luck with your revisions and can't wait for the rest of the story!






oh my god, thank you! you're such a big help!




When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.
— Dean Jackson