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16+ Violence Mature Content

Secret of Rosewatch// Trying to improve it

by angelajoybmallari


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Rosewatch, a small town, commonly known as a town for prominent, elite and wealthy families of America. and I, for one is part of the circle.

Rosewatch was everyone's dream town, it became more of like a social status, considering its exclusivity and the pride this town could give you just by living here.

it's like Hollywood, home of rich and famous, but people who lives in Rosewatch were way richer but not that famous, more likely, just famous for people who's also in the same industry as them.

Rosewatch has always been like that, rich people is surrounded by people who has the same status as them, everything in this town was glamour, extravagant, precious and priceless. until a group of people from the outside came...

Around year of 2000s, a group of families campaigned against the town of Rosewatch, saying it is unfair to the other people who we call, outsiders and it is a form of discrimination against lower class. which to be fair is actually was.

they exposed Rosewatch to media, until we just realized, these people are now our neighbors.

and that's how the Rosewatch, an exclusive town for prominent people, became just a simple town.

--

year, 2016

"Reese, I just still can't believe Rosewatch is not just for us anymore." Jonathan said, while staring outside my bedroom window looking at our middle-class neighbors, The Welsch.

I didn't replied, my eyes were just so busy reading a novel about a wolf that fell in love with a human. cliche, right? that's my thing.

"Reese! God, please listen!" I did not realized, Jonathan was already beside me, shouting at my left ear.

"Okay! My god, you want to kill my ear, don't you?" I told him, then close the book that I was reading, and looked at him while pointing at my left ear which is still hurt because of what he did a while ago.

He rolled my eyes at me, and lay down at my plain white memory foam bed. (I know it's not your typical expensive bed, but hey, It's comfortable.) and just deeply sighed.

"you remembered how rosewatch used to be? I mean, we're all rich here, how come this happened?" he said, then let out a very deep-sighed. 


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17 Reviews


Points: 84
Reviews: 17

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Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:52 pm
salia4 wrote a review...



OK, so I don't want to seem nitpicky, but I understand writing in general is extremely difficult, so I want to start at the beginning, I didn't really understand the first line, whether you were saying for once you were part of the circle, or you currently are, in the second case I would end the first sentence with a semicolon and make the phrase "America; where I, for one, am part of the circle".

I also noticed your paragraphing seems to be a bit off, as you could connect paragraphs two and three, also make sure to watch for capitalization at the beginning of each new sentence.

In the fourth paragraph, first sentence you could do without the is after "rich people" so it would be "rich people surrounded by.."

Next paragraph should be either "around the 200s" or "around the year 200"

the comma in this phrase, "to the other people who we call, outsiders and it is a form .." isn't placed properly and should instead read "to the other people, who we call outsiders, and it is a form..."

when transitioning to the next portion of the story you could simply say "Year: 2016" rather than "years, 2016"

Also, make sure you pay attention to the tense as I notice you switch often between past and present and this can cause confusion to the reader.

I like the story, it is intriguing, however there are a lot of errors in the dialogue and with the tense and phrasing that make it hard to understand, I wish you luck with your revisions and can't wait for the rest of the story!






oh my god, thank you! you're such a big help!




I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda