Note to Self:
Stop reaching for things impossible to grasp.
Stop holding this stuff you’re unable to clasp.
Stop climbing the ladder awaiting your fall.
Stop looking for “Prince Charming”, ‘cuz there is no “Grand Ball”
Note to Self:
Stop thinking you can when you know that you can’t.
Stop saying you shall when you know that you shan’t.
Stop running away since you’ll never escape.
Stop leaving your heart out, ‘cuz it will get a scrape.
Note to Self:
Stop dreaming your dreams for they’ll never come true.
Stop relying on others when you don’t have a clue.
Stop fishing for compliments in a lake of abuse.
Stop tying yourself, ‘cuz you have to break loose.
Note to Self:
Stop setting these goals you will not complete.
Stop planning your triumph that end with defeat.
Stop building your confidence and just know it will burn.
Stop making mistakes, ‘cuz you won’t ever learn.
Note to Self:
Stop giving to others who cannot give back.
Stop keeping in problems for they’ll eventually stack.
Stop living this life, this life of a lie.
Stop loosing your hope, ’cuz life will pass you by.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Everyone above me basically said all that needs to be said.
All I want to say is that I loved it!!!!!
You never cease to amaze me!
PM me later!
• The last line throws the entire stanza off the already set iambic pentameter. I would try "Stop looking for Prince Charming 'cuz life's no Grand Ball." By adding that contraption, the line throws itself back into beat. Otherwise, good beginning. It introduces the poem well.
• I think this topic has already been said. At the end of the last line, the word "scrape" hangs randomly and awkwardly. I seems very forced. Just plopped in there randomly with no warning. It causes the entire stanza to sound forced and choppy. I suggest completely rephrasing that line. Try switching around the words, like :
"Keep your heart hidden, stop mending with tape." or something like that. (I agree, that was a cheesy line.) So yes, I suggest remolding that entire line.
• Second line; That line doesn't quite make sense. The syntax isn't correct. Try something like; "Stop planning your triumphs that will end in defeat." This also makes sense because the narrator doesn't quite realize that every triumph she plans will end with defeat, so saying that they will makes more sense because by saying that more bluntly before without the reader having any previous knowledge, makes the poem both confusing and not right.
• Second stanza: awkward. The syntax is very messed up. Try, "Stop holding in problems, they'll eventually stack." That way, the iambic pentameter remains in check, as well as the line actually making any clear sense. This is not a very deeply metaphoric poem, so make it clear.
---
I liked this poem a lot. I loved the format, how you began each stanza with "note to self." Each stanza contains thoughts that every can understand personally. I like how you worded most of your stanza's and the constant "'cuz" gave the readers something to anticipate. Good job.
That's about all I can say. I hope you'll take in consideration some of my advice, merely for the poems sake. Again, Good work.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
Hey Ameria! I have to say this is a very good topic. I couldn't find that much to nitpick.
You're missing punctuation on the last line. The rhymes were all nice, and none of them sounded forced. You have good rhythm here.
The last pair of rhymes, escape and scrape. The scrape rhyme sounded a bit unnatural. Some other choices: gape, shape, tape, drape, and others. No other problems.
The third line was a tiny bit too long. Also, abuse and loose don't really rhyme. They almost rhyme, but there's a small difference in punctuation. I really like this verse though. It's my favorite out of the entire poem.
The bolded part has a slight problem with subject-verb agreement. It should be ends, I think.
Your second line's rhyme sounds a bit unnatural. The wording is strange, but nothing else. Also, in the last line, it should be 'losing', not 'loosing'.
Otherwise, a beautiful poem. The theme is very strong, and I couldn't find anything else to say. Great work! PM me if something in this is not clear.