Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Science

E - Everyone

Solanum tuberosum

by alliyah


Here lies the seeds of life
Preserved from the storm
Quietly, patiently elusive
This scion, a skin’s breath away
A rain drop, a way of life,
A ray of light finding its aim
To fragile orbs of grand potential
Buried lovingly in the ground
Waited and waiting


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
64 Reviews


Points: 11
Reviews: 64

Donate
Thu Jul 28, 2016 1:51 pm
View Likes
Kazeybear wrote a review...



Kazey here for a review!

Firstly, I love the title of your poem, how you've taken something as simple as a potato and made it seem so complex. Your imagery throughout this short piece was excellent, and your vocabulary was very evocative. I actually had to look up the meaning of scion, me not exactly being familiar with horticultural processes, but now that I know it's meaning it has such... well, meaning.

So the line;

Quietly, patiently elusive

threw me off a little, although it's just my preference. I personally don't like having two adverbs of the same kind next to each other. In my opinion, it would read better as;

Quiet, patient, elusive

but of course it's entirely your decision.

Secondly, although I don't know where you break up into two stanzas, I feel it would be much easier for the reader if it was split into stanzas. When it's all clumped together I often find my eyes can't differentiate one line from the next and I have to re-read to make sure that things make sense.

Anyway, a fabulous poem, and I sincerely hope you continue to write!

~Kazey




alliyah says...


Thanks for the thoughtful review Kazey - I'll take your suggestions into consideration in revisions and in further work. I'm glad you enjoyed the topic - this was a fun poem to write with the double meaning in it. :)



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 2990
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:02 pm
View Likes
outoftime wrote a review...



Hey there. I'm Jonathan, here to review your poem!

First of all-- I gotta say, I love that title. I had to look it up, but after I realized what it was, I started laughing literally out loud. ;) Anyway, let's get into it. In this (fairly short review), I'll be sticking to three things I think you could improve on.

Firstly, awkward phrasing and repetition. One example is that double use of life (see lines four and five), which hurt your rhythm and made me stop for a second. It's often a shame when something is awkward like that because you have such a beautiful cadence and, because of that, punctuation in the wrong place or an odd word can disrupt it.

Secondly, things that confused me. The "are" in the first line made me think that this poem was like a question, but it didn't turn out that way. Also, your structure with all the lines pushed together like that made it visually hard to read.

Thirdly and finally, I'd love to see you cement one or two of those images. I see the individual ones in my mind, but I have yet to see the bigger picture. One thing that helps is to have people like us-- or in your life-- read your poem and have them try to draw/sketch the images you're creating here, to see if they're smooth and communicating the right message. Keep writing.

Jonathan




alliyah says...


Thanks for the review! And the thorough critiques - I will consider them all upon further editing. :)

~alli-y



alliyah says...


I made a few changes based on your suggestions.



User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Donate
Tue Jul 26, 2016 7:44 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Alliyah(I like the username!) Casanova here to review!
The first thing I noticed about this poem is that it was rather short. That's okay, just something I wasn't expecting by the title of it xD.
The next thing that I noticed was the flow.
"Are the seeds of life
Preserved from the storm..."
It seems like it's supposed to read without no stopping, but in a poem(and I know I have problem with this too) you should add punctuation to the ends of your lines. In my personal opinion it would be better to conjoin those two lines, and make them as one, like so:
"Are the seeds of life preserved from the storm," In my opinion it works better, and makes the flow a tad bit better if you do the same with the following lines.
The next thing I noticed was the comma in the second line, which sort of grabbed my attention right off. A pause in that line doesn't quite fit, I would suggest removing it and writing it as,"Quietly and patiently elusive."
The next line I absolutely loved. "A rain drop, A way of life, A ray of light finding it's aim."
I really did love those lines.
The last thing I noticed was the ending two lines, which I think should be together. This might have been a format error or you could have meant to do this, but in my opinion it throws the flow off.
I hope to see more from you.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




alliyah says...


Thanks for the review here Casanova. I will consider all these issues upon further editing. I wanted to be minimalistic in the punctuation here especially because I think this poem could be read as one long run-on question or a big description (because it begins with the word "are" following the title). I agree with your point about the comma after quickly being a bit odd as far as flow though. Thanks again for your critiques and time. :)

~alli-y



Casanova says...


No problem! I thought the punctuation might have been intentional, but I wasn't for sure!




All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner