z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

King of the Court [Chapter 9]

by yosh


A/n: I finally have reached the point where I can't continue posting art along with the chapters. I honestly didn't expect to keep it up 'til Chapter 9! I will be posting art along with the chapters when I feel there's an important scene that needs to be described artistically, but other than that, enjoy! Also, for any readers that have been pulling along with me, thank you so much for supporting this! Love you all!

"No no no no no no!" Colin groans, resting his hands on his forehead in the universal 'giving-up' gesture, "Why?"

Dwayne sighs and collapses on the ground, "That's impossible! I didn't think we would lose this fast."

Alex shakes his head in a defeated tone, "Looks like it finally came to this. We messed up our last chance."

Even Chris seems to be disappointed, "If only we tried harder . . ."

"Guys!" Spencer interrupts, cutting them off with a scream, "I've got another quarter!"

"Yes!" they all cheer in unison. The five of them crowd around inside a Pac-Man booth located in an arcade. Their sorrow is instantly cured as Colin places the quarter in and starts playing. Spencer knows Colin is crazy good at this game. He even almost got on the leaderboard!

Boop. One of the Pac-Man lives end. Colin has a score of 550.

Boop. The second Pac-Man life ends. Colin has a score of 780.

Everyone is silent now. Colin might get on the leaderboard! He's representing Marble Creek in a Pac-Man game!

"Get over here," hisses Jacob, poking his head into the booth. Colin jumps, losing his final life. Boop.

"No!" cry Colin and Spencer. Alex and Chris blink in bewilderment. Dwayne literally starts sobbing.

"I said get over here," Jacob growls, "The tournament bracket is out!"

Suddenly, Pac-Man doesn't seem as important. The five of them scramble out of the booth over to Jacob.

Jacob is holding a paper in his hand, "Don't get too scared, but this is the team we're playing first."

Spencer is behind Chris, so he can't see the paper very clearly.

"S-sa. . . sant? sant H-h . . ." Spencer squints.

"Saint Helena," Colin trembles and clutches his head.

"Oh no," Chris sighs.

"We're gonna play against the second-best team in the region!" Alex cheers with an unhealthily exuberant look in his eye.

Everyone else on the team stares at him like he just ate a dead rat.

"Alex . . . can you hear yourself?" asks Chris, blinking.

"Why did it have to be Saint Helena?" cries Colin.

"Isn't this the team that we said wouldn't be a good idea to play in our first practice game because they're too good?" wonders Dwayne, who just like Alex, has an ecstatic look.

"Exactly! Can you change it, Jacob? Please?" Colin pleads.

Jacob sighs, "I can't do that. The bracket is out already. Feel lucky that Forton Middle isn't in our side of the bracket."

"That would be considerably worse," agrees Chris.

"How can we prepare?" Chris asks Jacob.

"That's the spirit! First, work on the things I told you," Jacob answers.

Spencer nods. He needs to work on being less stiff and more relaxed.

"Then, it's optimal to find at least one more player to play with you all. Without a sub, the teams you're playing against can just exhaust you," says Jacob.

"We could just train our stamina until that isn't needed," suggests Dwayne.

"I like that idea," Spencer offers.

"No! That's unneccessary! All you need to do is--," Jacob is cut off by Alex.

"Then we can surprise our opponents with our huge stamina!" Alex adds, nodding.

"That's impractical and unstrateg--"

"Added to the fact that Dwayne is short, teams will greatly underestimate us, and that will be their failure," says Chris philosophically.

"I'm not short!" growls Dwayne.

"Wait, you guys--" Jacob is then continuously cut off by Dwayne and Chris bickering about the former's height.

Spencer backs away. Dwayne and Chris are definitely the two hotheads on the team.

Alex sighs, which Spencer no longer finds unsurprising anymore, "I expect this will happen a lot more."

"I agree," Jacob chimes in.

"Let's start practicing then!" says Spencer, ready to start. Stamina training will be awesome!

The team practices and practices and practices. Day after day, the Marble Creek Basketball Team work their best to become the strongest team in the region. Spencer and Colin try to work on controlling their nervousness. Dwayne just tries to be able to jump higher, which literally has nothing to do with what Jacob said he should improve on. Chris works on his shooting, and Alex, of course, leads the team in stamina training.

And Jacob sits around complaining that there needs to be more members. But he also plans and arranges everything for the team, including renting the bus, preparing the paperwork, and managing the team as a whole, which Spencer finds particularly nice and helpful of him.

When Spencer asked Jacob why he was doing so much for them, Jacob just smiled, "You can call me Coach Jacob. That's my job. Also, Alex helps out a lot, so I'm not shouldering this alone."

Before long, the tournament rolled around the corner.

And Spencer decided he had his anxiety about forty percent under control.

Okay, maybe thirty percent.

"We'll still do this," he tells himself, meeting the rest of the team to get on the bus, which will take them to the official Tournament Stadium.

"Basketball has stadiums?" Dwayne inquires, poking Alex's shoulder. It's only after he says that when Dwayne realizes Alex was sleeping.

Alex glares, "They do. In fact, you might get to see it from far away. In the bleachers. Kicked off the team. When I find a new member." He then goes back to sleep.

"Not fair," Dwayne slinks into his seat, "Alex doesn't even snore!"

On cue, Alex begins to snore, and Dwayne groans, slinking further into his seat.

"Why'd you even ask that, though?" wonders Chris, "Did you think we'd play on an outdoor court?"

Dwayne shrugs, "I didn't think it would be ask large-scale as a stadium. Maybe like a school gym or something."

"Jokes on you," murmurs Colin, pointing out the window, "Cause that is definitely not a school gym."

The bus has stopped, and outside is a sign that says, Ryder Moore Basketball Complex.

And behind the sign is a monstrosity never seen before. A huge building, that's so wide Spencer swears it's as big as an airport, even though he's never seen an airport. There's beautiful glass windows on the walls, with immense crowds of people tumbling around inside. The building is wide, but also quite tall, ranging to almost three times the height of Spencer's house. It has a monolithic aura that almost dares Spencer, saying, Come in. Get lost within me. I dare you.

As the team gets closer to the complex, with Alex still very sleepy, Spencer finds himself staring up at the building. Its colossal roof and windows glares down at him. It's almost strangely majestic.

He quickly shakes away before he falls too far behind his team.

"This place," Spencer mumbles to himself, "Might be more different than we all imagined."

And whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, Spencer has yet to figure out.


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672 Reviews


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Sun May 30, 2021 4:25 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Sorry for the sporadic reviews, but hopefully there's something helpful in them! This piece has been in the green room for a bit, so sorry to keep you waiting.

I like this segment of your story a lot!! I think you cover a lot of good stuff in it and your pacing is immaculate. I liked Spencer's POV in this and I thought it added a lot to the story.

One thing I really liked about this section was the first scene. I feel like a brunt of this has been about basketball (which, you know, is the main plot, so it's kind of hard to avoid, haha) but it was actually really nice to see them doing something other than basketball. I like how you're building up their friendships. It's really great to see them getting along somewhat, and I like those little trivial bonding moments off of the court. It also helps appeal to readers who might not be super interested in basketball (like me) so you'll be able to reach a wider audience.

I also really liked your middle section where the team practices. I think it very much had the vibe of those training montages with epic music that you always see in sports movies. Even though this isn't a movie, I was somehow just able to envision it so well. Generally, I find long bits of paragraphs that span a lot of time to be a little tedious, but I think you might have destroyed that prejudice. Nice work!!

Specifics

Even Chris seems to be disappointed, "If only we tried harder . . ."


Since "Even Chris seems to be disappointed" is NOT a dialogue tag, you need to put a period rather than a comma after "disappointed." You do this a couple times throughout, so I'd recommend just looking through it and finding places where it happens just to fix them.

Dwayne literally starts sobbing.


I feel like that might've been a bit of an overreaction, but Dwayne is a little dramatic, so I wouldn't put it past him...

Alex, of course, leads the team in stamina training.


I was a little confused at this part, because I thought that Alex was also not an expert in stamina. Like, wasn't that Jacob's whole pointer for him? I guess I'm just wondering why he's the one leading them if he also needs to work on that skill.

Overall: nice work! I think you story is shaping up quite nicely and I'm super excited to watch/read about their big game!! Until next time!




yosh says...


Thankie for the review :D



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Wed Apr 28, 2021 6:27 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Yoshikrab,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I'm not a person who is big on the number of reviews, but for number 200 I thought I'd read something I've been sitting with for a while, and then to my surprise my favourite team comes along :D

You surprised me quite a bit with the beginning. I assume you did it deliberately so that the reader is a bit in the dark up to a point, whether it's still about a game and then it turns out that they're playing Pac-Man. :D I think that's a very good way to start the chapter and also different from the other beginnings.

Everyone is silent now. Colin might get on the leaderboard! He's representing Marble Creek in a Pac-Man game!


I suppose this is the narrator's voice again, which doesn't stay neutral all the time during (basketball) games, right? A very good way to incorporate this one... but was the leaderboard comment meant to be ironic?

"S-sa. . . sant? sant H-h . ." Spencer squints.


Is it supposed to be a pronunciation error here on Spencer's part when he tries to say "Saint"?

Everyone else on the team stares at him like he just ate a dead rat.


I would have liked to see this expression in the form of a picture. :D

The team practices and practices and practices. Day after day, the Marble Creek Basketball Team work their best to become the strongest team in the region. Spencer and Colin try to work on controlling their nervousness. Dwayne just tries to be able to jump higher, which literally has nothing to do with what Jacob said he should improve on. Chris works on his shooting, and Alex, of course, leads the team in stamina training.

And Jacob sits around complaining that there needs to be more members. But he also plans and arranges everything for the team, including renting the bus, preparing the paperwork, and managing the team as a whole, which Spencer finds particularly nice and helpful of him.


I see these two sections as the first attempt to improve the team. It's the first level, so to speak. I think it's good that you try to unite all the characters there and explain a little bit as commentary what they're training on. But I also think that these two sections could be developed a bit more. Even though the training here is only for a short time, I can't shake the feeling like there could be more. A little more information would have been good, maybe after each character another sentence or two about where something goes wrong, or where they've improved, or where they're just clumsy. Because I think this is the point where you hear that "work-out & motivation" music that you hear in films during training sessions. :D Also, because there's a short time jump shortly after where the team is in front of the stadium, I'd be fine with building this a little longer.

When Spencer asked Jacob why he was doing so much for them, Jacob just smiled, "You can call me Coach Jacob. That's my job. Also, Alex helps out a lot, so I'm not shouldering this alone."


Here I am very surprised that Jacob praises Alex in a certain way. Maybe he got off on hearing him talk about his dream in the last chapters? I think it's great that by now you can also clearly see Jacob going in a personality direction and coming out as a strict but also seemingly very good coach. I would be a bit interested to see what it's like in the evenings when he and Chris go home, whether they discuss anything during training....
I would also leave more than one empty line between here and the next sentence, which is not inserted here. Otherwise, it seems like it's just the next day or so, and I think the travel to the stadium is already a few days later.

It was a very interesting chapter. I thought you had a pretty good division. At first I was a little overwhelmed that suddenly all the characters were talking to each other, but on second glance it was really understandable and I think you did a good job of keeping that constant, that you can tell the characters apart and they show themselves at their "best". I also liked that it felt real.

I also liked the fact that this chapter, like the last one, stands out from the others. I would say that the dialogues have been enlarged and that this certain feeling of familiarity comes to you, especially because you have been with the members of the team for so long now.

Where I'm still a little sceptical, but that could just be me, are the individually scattered comments of the narrator, who doesn't tell the story from a neutral perspective. In some places I think it's very good because it makes you feel like you're there, but in some places I also think you shouldn't remove it, but at least write it in the neutral way.

The ending felt quite strong and after that emotional chapter I think it's great that you build up the doubt that the team is already receiving outside the stadium. You pulled that off well and it's definitely a wonderful cliffhanger as well to add to the intensity of the drama.

The chapter also stands out from the others, which I've noticed, but I'm not quite sure what it is yet. I can't shake the feeling like something has changed either in the writing style or the plot and characters. (not to be taken negatively). I can't say what it is yet, but maybe I can give an answer in the next chapter.

In summary, I'd say it was a great chapter that incorporates the promises from the last chapter and you dispute the beginning with it. I would still expand a bit on the above sections, otherwise I thought it was great.

Have fun with the writing! :D

Mailice.




yosh says...


Thank you again for the wonderful review! :D

You surprised me quite a bit with the beginning. I assume you did it deliberately so that the reader is a bit in the dark up to a point, whether it's still about a game and then it turns out that they're playing Pac-Man. :D I think that's a very good way to start the chapter and also different from the other beginnings.


Yeah I got that idea from a book I read. I relayed the idea to my dad and he loved it. It was meant to be a joke like "omg did they lose or something" and then the reader finds they're playing pac-man!

I suppose this is the narrator's voice again, which doesn't stay neutral all the time during (basketball) games, right? A very good way to incorporate this one... but was the leaderboard comment meant to be ironic?


Yeah . . . I really need to work on that. I keep on losing the neutral tone when writing as a narrator. :'(

Is it supposed to be a pronunciation error here on Spencer's part when he tries to say "Saint"?


That's because the 'i' is the least discernible letter here, so from far away, and behind Chris, Spencer is only able to see the 'Sant".

I would have liked to see this expression in the form of a picture. :D


Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes i am drawing that now and i will tag you when i'm finished >:)

I would be a bit interested to see what it's like in the evenings when he and Chris go home, whether they discuss anything during training....


good idea im going to add that somewhere

I'm not a person who is big on the number of reviews, but for number 200 I thought I'd read something I've been sitting with for a while, and then to my surprise my favourite team comes along :D


Awwww I'm glad KotC was your 200th review! Congrats on all the reviews by the way! You are a growing YWS Review legend, in my opinion :D

-yoshi





Thanks for your feedback and thanks for your nice words! :D




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro