z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

King of the Court [Chapter 6]

by yosh


A/n: image desc: Colin staring at a basketball with a pensive expression. (WAIT I LEFT OFF THE NOSE)

EDIT: Colin without a nose (OR EARS WHAT THE HECK)

EDIT EDIT: Colin without a nose or ears, staring at a basketball with a pensive expression.

Whatever possessed Dwayne to shout a crazed battle cry, he doesn't know, but he's proud of it.

To break the silence, Dwayne adds, "Yeah! You hear that? You guys will get crushed!"

The Pennel Creek Basketball Team chuckles as if Dwayne had made a hilariously funny joke. One of them bursts out in laughter.

"Do you kids know how to dribble a ball?" taunts one of them.

Another snickers, "Want us to teach you how to throw?"

"No, but we need to make sure you all know how to," replies Chris, who has been silent until now.

They growl, "You better watch that tongue, Noodles."

Despite the tense situation, Dwayne thinks, that guy has way too many nicknames.

Finally, Jacob comes to diffuse the situation, "Hey, do you guys want to start warming up? I'm sure you've had a rough trip."

Their team grumbles a bit, but finally takes off their jackets and starts warming up.

Jacob turns to Chris and Dwayne with a serious look, "Don't antagonize them."

"Why?" Dwayne sniffs, "They antagonized us first!"

Dwayne says that loud enough to earn a few glares from Pennel Creek.

"Just don't worry," says Jacob, turning to an older man who Dwayne assumes is the Pennel Creek coach.

They begin to chat like old friends and Dwayne scowls in confusion. How can those two adults talk to each other so pleasantly when they're clearly enemies?

Jacob waves Chris and Dwayne over to Alex, Spencer, and Colin, who have already started warming up.

"You can get back to warming up, Dwayne," Alex smiles.

Dwayne grins right back. With his own immense basketball ability, he would be able to crush Pennel Creek. Maybe Alex would be able to help a little bit, but Dwayne figures he will probably be the star of the game.

Dwayne begins his jumping jacks. Those weaklings should have never dared to challenge me! he sports a sinister smile, which causes Colin to look visibly concerned and terrified.

Moving on, Dwayne begins to do his squats. Dwayne hadn't ever played an official basketball game before! This would be great! His debut!

Dwayne finishes up with stretches. Although his warm-up order probably isn't very correct, at least he thinks he's covered the right stuff.

"Let's start!" says Jacob, right as Dwayne is finishing his lay-up drills.

The two team captains walk up to Jacob, who will referee the game. The captain of the other team looks extremely intimidating-- enough to make Dwayne grin wildly.

"What are you grinning about?" Chris whispers.

"That guy," Dwayne whispers back, "has a really weird haircut."

Dwayne feels a sharp pain on the back of his head as well as the vitriol coming from Chris, "Act like a normal human being and don't comment on people's hair during a game."

"I didn't say I would," pouts Dwayne, although he can tell that Chris also believes the Captain of Pennel Creek's half-spiked hair looks really stupid-- as if someone got a pair of scissors and sliced the hair completely off on only one side of his head, but then styled the other side in a fancy way.

Alex walks back to the team, "Who's going to do the tip-off?"

"Me!" Dwayne raises his hands like a kindergartner. Dwayne has always wanted to tip-off. This would be his chance!

Chris rolls his eyes, "You're not tall enough."

"Why does that matter?" Dwayne explodes at Chris. The one thing he refuses to hear from anyone is that he's 'not tall enough'. Who cares about height? Dwayne can wrench the rebound from that Stickman. He can jump higher than the Stickman. He can do everything better than that stupid, stupid Stickman!

"Relax," Spencer jumps in, "It's just a tip-off."

"No! I want to do the tip-off!" growls Dwayne.

Alex sighs and looks at both of them, "Fine then. If we can't decide, I'll do the tip-off."

"At least Dwayne won't be able to do it," says Chris dismissively, "I honestly don't care."

"At least Stickman won't be able to do it!" Dwayne shoots back, "Alex is WAY better than Sticks so I totally nominate Alex!"

"All right then," Alex sighs and walks to the center of the court, and goes into some kind of glare challenge with the weird-hair Captain, who is tipping-off for the other team. Dwayne swears that he can see the electricity appearing between the two captain's eyes just like in the movies. Alex's yellow scrimmage vest matches up with Weird-Hair's blue one.

"Yellow!" Jacob shouts, pointing the the side of the court Weird-Hair is on.

"Blue!" he shouts again, pointing to the side of the court that Alex is on. Dwayne assumes this is for telling the players which way they're going.

He throws the ball up, and everything erupts out of Dwayne's control.

He expected Alex to get the tip-off, but Weird-Hair gets it instead, sending it back to the other team's point guard.

"Defense!" Alex shouts, and everyone moves back.

Their point guard passes it over to another player, who passes it to Weird-Hair. Weird hair dribbles past Spencer, who seems frozen in fear, and sinks in a lay-up.

"Rule the court! Rule the court! Rule the court!" chants Pennel Creek's substitutes. Dwayne frowns in jealousy; if only Marble Creek had cheerleaders.

Alex grabs the basketball, walks out of bounds, and passes the ball to Colin. Colin looks terrified. He immediately dribbles at full speed towards the other team's defense.

"Colin! Wait!" Alex shouts, but it's too late. Colin yelps as the ball is instantly stolen from his charge.

The chants of 'Rule the court' rattles Dwayne, and the feet slamming on the ground seems to be louder, but Dwayne remains unfazed (At least, he tries to). He isn't going to mess up on his first game!

Finally, the ball ends up in Dwayne's hands. There's twenty seconds left on the clock, and Marble Creek hasn't even scored yet!

Dwayne supposes everyone expected that Alex would score. They were wrong. It looks like Alex is just too unreliable! Dwayne would be the one to bring this team to victory. Down by sixteen to zero, Dwayne steels his resolve and dribbles forward.

He quickly pushes past a defender and moves into the three point line. He is blocked by two huge players. One of them is Weird-Hair. Dwayne grins and dribbles around them, but they continue blocking him from reaching the goal. He just can't get around them.

And then the buzzer blares. The quarter ends sixteen to zero.

Alex is furious. Spencer is frozen. Colin is scared. Chris is haughty. Jacob is . . . surprisingly calm.

Dwayne smiles, "I told you I was better than you, Alex! You didn't even score a point!"

Alex stomps over in front of Dwayne, "If you said that on any normal day, I would have you kicked off the team, but we only have five players.

"I didn't score a point because Pennel Creek successfully saw me as a bigger threat than you all and put two defenders on me, double teaming me. Thats why I didn't score a point."

Dwayne, of course, didn't notice this.

"Now, we need to get a few points. Get your act up, guys!" Jacob tells them, "Colin, Spencer, and also Dwayne. You three need to calm down!"

"I'm always calm!" say the three of them at the same time. Chris, Alex, and Jacob exchange a 'Yup. They're totally not' look.

"We'll catch up in the second quarter, alright?" Alex says. The buzzer blares again, signaling for the game to continue.

"Let's do this," Dwayne says shakily, and corrects himself in a louder, more powerful tone, "LETS DO THIS!"

And the team trudges on the court, determined to make at least one point. 


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Thu May 06, 2021 1:40 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume back again, with another review!

Ooh! This chapter was full of a lot of high points of action, and it DEFINITELY held my interest. I think there are a lot of good things about it. You describe the action of the court very well, and I think we really get to see a lot of key elements of the characters come out in such a point of high tension.

One thing I really liked about this chapter was the pacing. I think your focus on the game was just stupendous; it wasn't so in detail that the readers get bored or confused, but you also didn't just pass right over it like it wasn't significant. It's a delicate balance to achieve, but you've definitely done it! You manage to keep the excitement high without desensitizing the reader to it, so nice work!

I also just want to say how much this piece meant to me personally. I used to play basketball when I was younger and even though it was never really my thing, reading this brought back a ton of memories. When you mentioned the tip-off and Jacob showing which side of the court each team is scoring on, wow. I took a trip down memory lane. I forgot they used to do that. So thank you!

Specifics

Finally, the ball ends up in Dwayne's hands. There's twenty seconds left on the clock, and Marble Creek hasn't even scored yet!


I was a little confused here when you did the fast forward bit because it was a little jarring to go from the beginning of the game to twenty seconds left in the first quarter. I think you might want to clarify that you're jumping forward by saying something like 'Finally, after several points scored against them, the ball ends up in Dwayne's hands. There's twenty seconds left in the first quarter, and Marble Creek hasn't even scored yet!' I feel like clarifying that it's still the first quarter would also be beneficial because I thought it was the end of the game when I first read it.

Despite the tense situation, Dwayne thinks, that guy has way too many nicknames.


I felt like the structuring and format of this sentence was a little off. For one, I think it might be better if you italicized Dwayne's thought, as is usually done in books. I also think that you might benefit from putting the thought before the tag so it would look something like this:

That guy has way too many nicknames, Dwayne thinks despite the tense situation.


Both of these are just stylistic choices, but I think they could really be used to improve your work.

Overall: nice work! I really enjoyed reading this chapter and I'm enjoying the plot so far! I can't wait to read more! Until next time!




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Fri Apr 02, 2021 6:44 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Yoshikrab,


Mailice here with a short review! :D

First of all, I really love that you include a picture for each chapter. :D

I find it very interesting how you made the introduction of the chapter a dialogue. It makes you fall right into the story. Since it was already hinted at in the last chapter that the match will take place here, I also like how you show - like in many sports - this performance where the two players / teams face each other and humiliate each other a bit and want to portray themselves well.

Jacob turns to Chris and Dwayne with a serious look, "Don't antagonize them."


The reader gets a new fact about Jacob, that he can seem very grown up. Since you noted in the previous chapter that the character is a little unpolished, it would be good to give him a clear place in this chapter and the one to come so that he doesn't take after Chris too much. Indeed, I like here that he contrasts strongly with Dwayne and retains a point from the last chapter. Still, I don't really know where to place him yet.

Dwayne's view that one should not speak to the enemy on a friendly basis, and also later this brief interjection, comes across to me a little as if he is more concerned with winning than with playing a friendly game. At the same time, a few times while reading I had the feeling that the "neutral" narrator sees it the same way as Dwayne.

Moving on, Dwayne begins to do his squats. Dwayne hadn't ever played an official basketball game before! This would be great! His debut!


Here you suddenly involve the narrator in telling these sentences. On the one hand, it seems as if the narrator is doing squats with Dwayne, but on the other hand, I think it deviates a little from the previous chapters, where the narrator remains neutral. Or I didn't pay attention in that case in the last ones.
On the other hand, it's a good way to conduct this chapter and have the narrator act as a moderator, because it also gives you that feeling of being in the middle of things and being able to really follow along with the game. (I'm a little split there. I don't know whether these short remarks by the narrator belong in the story or not.) :D

"Me!" Dwayne raises his hands like a kindergartner.


I'm not sure whether the word means the children in the kindergarten or the teacher? But I strongly assume that it means the children. :D

Alex is furious. Spencer is frozen. Colin is scared. Chris is haughty. Jacob is . . . surprisingly calm.


Just a note that I really like this section because it reflects exactly the tension I expect in a game. That one moment when everything suddenly stands still and everyone focuses their eyes on that one point.


"If you said that on any normal day, I would have you kicked off the team, but we only have five players.


Here the goose feet flew off at the end. (Children refer to the quotation marks as such in German) :D

The thought I had in the last chapters, unfortunately, came true here: the team is not a real team yet. Dwayne in particular seems as if he alone is the team.Alex also tries to solve the conflict with the tipoff with this simple method of being the one who has to "jump in at the deep end". You've managed that very well and I would have found it very strange if they suddenly seemed like a real team! It's good that you didn't put in this typical, untraceable development of the main characters.

I think the tension during the first quarter is very well described. Maybe it has to do with the narrator leaving his neutral zone, as I mentioned above. It's already very appropriate during the match and I think that it should also only remain during the games to increase the dynamics of the match. But you have to know how you want to do it.

There is nothing that caught my eye now that I dislike. In my opinion, the chapter focused more on the plot and the match rather than on the characters. I think you've done that very well and I'm very curious to see what happens in the next round. Will they score a point? Will they learn from this match and improve? Hm... :D

Have fun with your writing (and drawing)!

Mailice.





I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47