z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Ordadus [3.1]

by Wolfi


Deep in the frozen heart of Ordadus, tucked in the warmest room of the ice pyramid, Repharaoh was trying to fall asleep. His servants hovered flickering torches back and forth across his body, the orange glow approaching and receding across his face like waves on the sand, catching glimpses of a craggy, pale face, with thin eyebrows and hollow cheekbones, and a forehead that was creased with frustration. A short and neat plaited beard protruded from his chin, and a dusting of charcoal on his eyelids glimmered metallically.

When a spark skipped from a torch to his skin, his eyes opened and even in the orange glare, the irises were undeniably and brilliantly violet, sparkling with malice. The servants cowered and averted their gazes, whispering their apologies. 

They had long since been conditioned to respect and fear the color purple, most especially with the pharaoh.

With an angry huff, Repharoah closed his eyes. His long body was draped on a couch cushioned with mangal wool, and his head rested on a pillow stuffed with the fur of llargo tails. It was so comfy (save for the errant sparks) and he felt so content that for a few minutes he forgot what he had been brooding about. Instead he thought about his pillow.

Repharaoh was very proud of his pillow, which was called the Repillow, as he had come up with the invention himself. Llargos made wonderful pets, but in the crowded pyramid, their useless, ugly tails were apt to wag violently and knock over things. So, early in his reign, Repharaoh had ordered that all llargo tails be docked. Not wanting the tails to go to waste, on a whim he requested that a pillow be made with the white, fluffy fur.

He hadn’t used another pillow since. Many of his brothers and his eldest son also enjoyed the luxuries of their own Repillows, and he expected that many great pharaohs to come, reclining in their rooms, would praise him for his brilliance.

But...would it be enough? No, of course not.

Repharaoh: the god of pillows. Hah!

With that his face turned sour again, and the frightened servants glanced at one another, wondering what they had done wrong with the torches to displease him.

Repharaoh had returned to brooding over the one simple fact: he wasn’t a young man anymore, and he didn’t have much time left to leave a mark on Ordadus. He needed something that would help him be remembered and adored for eternity, like the great Cropharaoh, god of the Iris Code and of the stars, or Ipharaoh, god of white faelks, or Thopharaoh, god of llargos. He often wondered what it would be like to starve in the afterlife because no one bothered to pay their respects at his shrine of pillows.

Despite the torches, he shivered. He himself visited the most well-known shrines frequently, as did many others, to sacrifice a mangal or even the occasional faelk colt. But there were many, many shrines for forgotten pharaohs whose altars were half buried in snow, and whose sacrificial fire pits were mere chalices of ice.

Of course, the Repillow wasn’t his only accomplishment. The problem was, he was rather drowsy and couldn’t actually think of any of the others. There were others, surely, but...he was asleep before he could remember any.

Suddenly, his brother Husani burst into the room. “Pharaoh!” he cried. “There’s a new star!”

Repharaoh, jolted awake, thought he had only dreamed Husani’s words. But when he cracked his eyelids open, he indeed saw his brother in the room, his face flushed with color, so excited that he wasn’t even kneeling. Repharaoh ignored the offense, and sat up on his elbows. “What did you say, Husani?”

Husani had to take a moment to catch his breath. “Amosis was the first to see it - a new star. I’ve seen it for myself.”

Repharaoh scrambled from his couch, scattering the torch-bearing servants in his haste. “Great Cropharaoh!” he said. “Where is it?” He felt a little dizzy, having risen so quickly, and had to lean against the wall, cold and icy as it was.

Husani’s expression darkened slightly. “Between dodeks two and three, unfortunately. At this time it’s almost night there. Chances are the Earthling is already dead, or will be soon.”

Repharaoh straightened himself and smoothed the front of his robes. “Well,” he said, “there’s only one way to find out.”

As he issued orders for a search party, Repharaoh tried to remain calm, but - Great Cropharaoh! - his heart was drumming madly, and his hands were quivering in excitement.

If the Earthling survives, this might just do it, he thought. This might just do it.


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Tue Dec 05, 2017 3:07 am
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Carlito says...



After I sent that PM I wondered if there was any Ordadus I hadn't read yet, and somehow I missed this segment?? Review coming soon <3




Wolfi says...


Aaaaah <3



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Mon Sep 25, 2017 2:03 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! So I've decided I'm going to write a review for each of my SB crew-mates as I don't give you guys nearly enough time and things like storybooks and reviews keep getting in the way so at least doing it like this, I'm sort of making up for it! I hope I'll get a chance to properly catch up with you at some point as well but for now, here we go...

Specifics

1. I'm really not sure how to say the name 'Repharaoh' especially since they're in a pyramid so it makes me wonder if it's a title like re-pharaoh?

2.

A short and neat plaited beard protruded from his chin, and a dusting of charcoal on his eyelids glimmered metallically.
I don't think metallically is the best description here - it's a slightly awkward word and it doesn't really tell us anything about the mood here. If it glimmered darkly that would raise the tension, if it glimmered silvery then it would feel a little less tense and more magical.

3. The God of pillows - I love the idea that this is where a great man's thoughts go and how he's so focused not on the fact that things no longer get broken in these great pyramids, but on the fact that he now has a really soft pillow.

4.
Suddenly, his brother Husani burst into the room. “Pharaoh!” he cried. “There’s a new star!”
I think any sentence which starts with suddenly could be worded better. The problem is that it's a word used to describe how quickly something has happened but the word itself slows down the pace. Maybe try something like:

"Pharaoh!" The loud cry of his brother Hussani startled him from his rest. "There's a new star!"

Overall

So this starts quite slowly and I was wondering where you were going with it but by the end, it's a very exciting chapter! I'm not sure that I found Repharaoh particularly scary but the reactions of the servants suggested he could be known to be cruel or that he might if upset enough decide to take it out on them so I'm guessing he's the bad guy. Or maybe just a really misunderstood good guy who isn't at all too concerned with his own self image? Right, right, almost certainly the bad guy.

This was a fun chapter though and I liked the spot of humour with the pillow God stuff and how that actually served a greater purpose to lead up to this business with the new star and an Earthling who apparently needs to be rescued.

I'd have to read the previous chapters to be of more help but perhaps I'll come back and check them out at some point!

~Heather




Wolfi says...


Captain! <3

This was a nice chapter for you to hop in for since it's the only one so far from this perspective. These are really good recommendations! Thank youuu!

It can be pronounced as Re-pharaoh (and there's meaning in that name!), but I personally pronounce it as Reh-pharaoh since it sounds better.



Rydia says...


I like Reh-pharaoh too :)



Rydia says...


I like Reh-pharaoh too :)



Rydia says...


I like Reh-pharaoh too :)



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Tue Sep 12, 2017 7:12 pm
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rosette wrote a review...



Heya Wolfical!
rosette here for a quick review. :^)

(I, unfortunately, have not read any previous chapters, so pardon me if I get something horribly wrong).

To begin with, I thought you wrote this fantastically. The imagery is simply beautiful, from Repharaoh's face to his irises, and I thought you portrayed the servants well: timid, quavering slaves. Though I don't see what they're purpose is in here, or even what they're doing. I get that it's not super important, but are they just running around him this whole time, carrying torches? Or keeping him warm, or something?

I'm not sure if you intended for Repharoah to be liked or disliked, but I must admit, I thought he was funny. Or maybe it was the way you wrote about him. He forgot what he had been brooding about, and thought about his pillow instead (why does that sound like me?) and the problem was, he was rather drowsy and couldn't think of his other accomplishments. Despite the fact he appears to be a rather spoiled, bratty, and selfish man... he's actually kind of relatable. xD

Anyhow. Sorry I don't have anything else to say. There wasn't much to critique on. I can take a guess at how this ties into your plot, buuut for now, I'll hope that Earthling 'just might do it'.
This was an overall fun read, and I enjoyed it.

Keep up the good work!
~rosette




Wolfi says...


The servants are just there to hover the torches over him and keep him warm, just like Egyptian servants would have kept the pharaoh cool with fronds. I'm glad you thought Repharaoh was funny because I wanted to portray him that way! d: He's a bad guy, but bad guys can still be relatable, right?

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!



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Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:29 pm
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KiraThePotatoChip wrote a review...



Well color me intrigued, and allow me to stop here for a review! Very nice imagery compliments the setting very well right off the bat, which is always good, and something I really wish I could see more in writing. Now, I'm assuming this is part of a series of chapters you're writing, so I won't make any plot complaints, but even if this was an independent short story, even an intro to the plot itself, it works exceptionally well by itself. In fact, I can only complain about two pieces of grammar I saw throughout the piece.

"catching glimpses of a craggy, pale face, with thin eyebrows and hollow cheekbones, and a forehead that was creased with frustration. "

I feel like there's one too many ands in the sentence, perhaps it should be "catching glimpses of a craggy, pale face, with thin eyebrows and hollow cheekbones, with a forehead that was creased with frustration." or possibly,

"catching glimpses of a craggy, pale face, with thin eyebrows, hollow cheekbones, and a forehead that was creased with frustration."

That's really the only complaint about that section and the only thing left that I could find was this sentence.

"Repharaoh, jolted awake, thought he had only dreamed Husani’s words." which should have thought replaced with thinking or having thought.

That's really all I can complain about, but keep the writing up! I await the next installment of this story.




Wolfi says...


Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, Kira! Glad you liked it. :)




When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides