Walking Dead - Chapter 1 [EDITED]

I'm really grateful ^^ Thanks a million, I've finally understood the main mistakes I do without noticing them ( Shamefully, as english is my 3rd language, I've got trouble with the writing grammar ).

Thanks again, best wishes! =)
Kyousuke

An unbelievable turning point in my life…I still couldn’t believe I really accepted the offer to move to a different flat and look after somebody. It’s completely not my style, but guess it couldn’t be helped. I’m the only one Johnson could send, especially when we are distant relatives. Talk about the coincidence too…

I stopped in front of a door from many<--WHAT? that a two-floor building had to offer, pulling a travel case with me. A possible way to rephrase the sentence would be: I stopped in front of one of the many doors that the two-story building had to offer, pulling a travel case with. Before opening the door, I closed my eyesfor a moment to imagine a simple flat so I wouldn’t be disappointedfrom the sight. Door The door slightly squeaked as I pushed it with my hand.

To my complete surprise, the hallway surpassed my expectations. Judging by the tidyness and all the decorations used, somebody must have spent a hell of time at it<--awkward. Possibly rephrase with: somebody must have spent a lot of time decorating it. Guess that’s a the sign for of a hard-worker, or maybe for a somebody who wants to live glamorously. To make sure I’m not I wasn't hallucinating, I walked further and stopped in front of two separate doors.

First The first door led to a bedroom full of wooden furniture, clothes, cosmetics, and so on – it clearly was a girl’s room. Interested, I turned my sight to the second door. Behind it, I saw, more or less, a spacious living room with an attached kitchen. That This room met my expectations the most, because the room it shined with simplicity. No wonder about that, it used to be Johnson’s after all. It had mostly the important, anduseful stuff, the bare minimum of decorations, except a dinning table near an entrance to the kitchen. However, for being a guy’s room, it was clean like the rest of the flat.

I once again confirmed to myself that the person living here must be quite a hard-worker. As quite a planned action<-again, awkward. to interrupt my 'invesigation‘ of the room, my phone started rabidly ringing. Could be rephrased: My rabidly ringing cell phone interrupted my 'investigation' of the room, and when I accepted the call, I found out that the guys with my package had already arrived. To not Without wastewasting any time, I immediately rushed out of the flat to accept the package, which due to its heaviness had to be carried inside the flat by two guys. After I signed the delivery and payed for the service, they left, leaving me all alone in the flat once again.

“I better clean the dirt those guys brought inside or I can imagine the boiler with a temperature over the usual.”

I actually did clean the dirt. Once I finished, I rushed to the package, because I was afraid to have its contents seen. A carton covered the metallic box, which I slowly revealed by tearing off the cover. For a big metallic box, this one was really exceptional, especially with consisting of a complicated lock system consisting of that required a password and a hand scan. I typed the password and put my hand on the scanner. Within a few seconds a robotic voice informed me with results, “Identity checked. Access granted.”

A sound of complicated unlocking echoed through the silent room. When it was done, I grabbed the top of the box and pushed it away, opening the box. Inside the box were desks<-desks? in a box? please describe further with various forms for specific weapons, ranging from pistols to a sniper rifle. I personally checked all each of them to make sure that all were present,. thankfully Thankfully, none were missing. Even the right amount of clips and bullets were present, so I couldn’t complain at all. Could be rephrased: I couldn't even complain, because even the right amount of clips and bullets were present.

I closed the box, satisfied, and pushed it into a wide enough wooden wardrobe beneath a the TV. Now, apparently all that was left to do was to wait for a<-is it just any girl? Or is it a specific girl that he's waiting for? girl to arrive at the flat. Because I really hate waiting without doing anything and tiredness the exhaustion from the long trip slowly reappeared, I laid down on a sofa in the living room and soon fell asleep like a log.

Many hours passed, and when I woke up, the position of sun signed informed me that it was already going to would be evening soon. However, the person I was waiting for hadn’t arrived at the flat yet. A cold feeling, slightly paralyzing my muscles, spread through my body. I wasn’t really familiar with the feeling people call “worry.” So, before deciding on an action, I tried to calm down. When I finally managed to calm myself down was able to, I decided to try and figure out where she could be.

Alright. The wall clock shows showed thirteen past five, it’s on Friday. a long time study on Friday is unlikely.<-that whole statement makes no sense to me. Possibly rephrase: Studying for a long time on a Friday was unlikely, and if nothing bad happened to her, she could just be shopping or hanging out with friends… No, I do not don't think that’s possible,. Johnson must have definitely inform her about my arrival today.<-Could be rephrased: Surely Johnson informed her of my arrival today? Good if she’s shopping, bad if they’ve already made their move… No, I do not don't think they’d be so fast. Not yet.

I walked forth and back back and forth, trying to remember all the facts. My thinking was thoughts were soon interrupted by a the sound of a door bell, which made my body rush I responded to by rushing to the door phone.

I picked it up.“Hello?”

“Good afternoon! I’m sorry to disturb you, but are you a part member of the Redville family?”

“Well, Just a distant relative. Could I knowWhat’s the matter?”

“Well, I’d like to know if there’s anybody from the Redville family present,” the mysterious voice on the other end replied.

“No, only two people live here. I’m an adult age already so I take the responsibility.”<-This seems like an awful lot to tell someone you don't even know--especially when this guy seems to be involved in something so secretive. You could rephrase with: "No, but I'm here."

“Oh, if that’s so,. Could you come down, please? A citizen young woman registered to this address by the name of named Sherry Redville was caught today breaking a the law.”

“Understood, coming right away.”

I put back the door phone and sighed,. “I hope she isn’t going to be a troublemaker.”
Hastily, I rushed to the main glass doors of the building. Behind them stood a rather young police officer accompanied by a senior police officer.

I opened the doors, went outside and closed the doors behind me.<-Could be rephrased: Outside, the doors closed behind me as I approached the officers. The senior police officer asked me for an ID card, so I respectfully showed it to them him. I wasn’t really surprised when the senior police officer straightened himself and told the junior to do so too. My ID card stated my current occupation, which was quite higher than theirs.

“Heh, relax. I’m not about to report you or anything as you've handled the matter well so far. Now, I’d like you to release the citizen girl in to my custody. I’m fully aware about of the laws, so she’s going to get out of this with a warning, right?” I narrowed my eyes on the senior officer.

“Y-yes, sir!”

“Then please do as asked.”

Both police officers rushed to their police car nearby. Behind a window I could see a face looking at us all the time. When the door was opened, a girl appeared got out and rushed to me. She was quite tall and of an athletic build, but still smaller than me. Her skin was caucasian<-that so does not sound romantic. Think of something like alabaster white...you get my point. and she had a dark brown hair with a ponytail. She wore a dark red T-shirt and dark jeans, her trainers were white though. In her hands she held bags, so my guess about shopping was more or less true.

Hey Kyou! ^^ This must be the story you were telling me about, no?

I really liked it, but the grammar and all that were a bit jarring, so maybe you might try correcting them. Your dialogue is a bit wooden. Instead of:

“You know, I heard you broke a law. What happened?”
“Oh, that? Some troublesome molesters bugged me when I hurried back home from the grocery. Being attractive sure has damned disadvantages.”
“Maybe does, maybe doesn’t. Anyway, for you to deal with them so well you must have some experience at martial arts, right?”

You could say:

"Care to explain yourself?" He gestured at the front door, an eyebrow raised. She shrugged.

"Oh, that? It's nothing really...I was held up for a bit."

He frowned disbelievingly. "...Held up? That's not what it sounded like."

She shrugged again, dumping her bags onto a table in the corner. "Just some guys."

"...and?"

She smirked. "Let's just say I let them have it."

That's one way to describe the scene. Of course, it depends all on the characterization, but you need to draw out the scene a little more and make it complete with gestures and all that. Just a little tip from me.

See you!

Robyn.

That's =) I owe you a million, thanks ^^

Hallo, Aushy here for your review! :}

Chapter 1

“So this must be the door,” I murmured while looking at one of many doors a two-floor building had to offer. Before opening the door I inhaled to imagine a simple flat so I won’twouldn't be disappointed, afterward the door was opened.
The beginning was a little shaky, kind of confusing, and not really enough to keep the reader interested. I found the second paragraph much more appealing than the first. Perhaps to clean up the beginning you can altogether take out the words he says, and just have it something like how he's anticipating to open the door.
To my surprise the hallway surpassed my expectations. Somebody must have spent a hell of time to decorate it with all the synthetic stuff like flowers and on top of that keep it really clean. Guess that’s a sign for a hard-worker. To make sure I’m not hallucinating I walked further and stopped in front of two separate doors.

First door led to a bedroom full of wooden furniture, clothes, cosmetics and so on – clearly a girl’s room. I turned my sight to the second door. I saw more or less spacious living room with an attached kitchen. As the living room used to be Johnson’s it’s plainness I didn't really like the word 'plainness' here. It seemed like your description was beautiful and flowing up to this moment. How about 'simplicity'? Only a suggestion, remember. could be easily explained. It had mostly the important and useful stuff,the bare minimum of decorations except a dinning table near an entrance to the kitchen. However, for being a guy’s room, it was clean like the rest of the flat.

I once again confirmed to myself that the person living here must be quite a hard-worker. While I slowly took a look at all the furniture I could use, my phone started ringing. When I accepted the call I found out that guys with my package have already arrived. To not waste any time I immediately rushed out of the flat to accept the package, which due to it’s its heaviness had to be carried inside the flat by two guys. After I signed the delivery and payed for the service they left, leaving me all alone in the flat once again.

“I better clean the dirt those guys brought inside or I’ll be killed by her she'll kill me.”
I understand what you're trying to do with the dialog there, but in this instance it doesn't work. It makes the whole writing feel stiff and suddenly confusing.
I actually did as I said and cleaned the dirt. Once I finished I rushed to the package, because I was afraid to have its insides seen. This part confused me. Its insides? Do you mean, perhaps, "its contents"?A carton covered the metallic box, which I slowly revealed by tearing off the cover. For a big metallic box this one was really exceptional, especially with a complicated lock system consisting of a password and a hand scan. I typed the password and put my hand on the scanner. Within a few seconds a robotic voice informed me with results, “Identity checked. Access granted.”

A sound of complicated unlocking echoed through a the silent room. I grabbed a the top of the box and pushed it up, opening the box. Inside the box were desks with forms for specific weapons, ranging from pistols to a sniper rifle. I personally checked all of them to make sure that all are were present,you can use either 'and' or 'but' here thankfully none was were missing. Even the right amount of clips and bullets were present, so I couldn’t complain at all.

“Looks like he did his homework well.,” I joked about Johnson a bit. [I'm sorry, I just don't like the 'a bit'. It takes the edge off the sentence. Truth be told, I'd much rather it if you took this entire thing off.] Afterward

Enter. I closed the box and pushed it into a wide enough wooden shelf beneath a TV. Now apparentlyall that was left to do was apparently to wait for a girl to arrive at the flat. Because I really hate waiting without doing anything, I lied laid down on a sofa in the living room and fell asleep.

Many hours passed, and when I woke up the position of sun signed me that it’s was already going to be evening really soon. However, the person I was waiting for didn’thadn't arrived at the flat yet. A cold feeling, slightly paralyzing slightly my muscles, spread through my body. I wasn’t really familiar with a the feeling people call “worry” and before I even decided Eventually When I finally managed to calm myself down, so I began my inspection tried to figure out where she had gone.

Italicize this entire thing. Alright. Wall clock shows thirteen past five, it’s Friday, a long time study on Friday is unlikely. If nothing bad happened to her, she could be shopping or hanging out with friends… No, I do not think that’s possible, Johnson must have definitely inform her about my arrival today. Good would be if she’s shopping, bad would be if they’ve already made their move… I do not think they’d be so fast.

I walked forth and back, trying to bring remember all the facts. My thinking was soon interrupted by a sound of a door bell, which made my body rush to the door phone. I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Good afternoon! I’m sorry to disturb, but are you a part of Redville family?”
“Well, a distant relative. Could I know what’s the matter?”
“Well, I’d like to know if there’s anybody from Redville family present.”
“No, only two people live here. I’m an adult age already so I take the responsibility.”
“Oh, if that’s so, could you come down? A citizen named Sherry Redville was caught today harming a group of men.”
“Understood, coming right away.”
I put back the door phone and sighed, “I hope she isn’t going to be a troublemaker.”
I rushed to the main glass doors of the building. Behind them stood a rather young police officer accompanied by a senior police officer.

I opened the doors, went outside and closed the doors behind me. The senior police officer asked me for an ID card, so I respectfully showed it to them. I wasn’t really surprised when the senior police officer straightened himself and told the junior to do so too. My ID card stated my current occupation, which was quite higher than theirs.
“Heh, relax. I’m not about to report you or anything as you handled the matter well so far. Now, I’d like you to release the citizen in my custody. I’m fully aware about laws, 'but' or 'so' she’s going to get out of this with a warning, right?”
“Y-yes, sir!”
“Then please do as asked.”

Both police officers rushed to their police car nearby. Behind a window I could see a face looking at us all this the time. When the door was opened, a girl appeared and rushed to me. She was quite tall and of an athletic build, but still smaller than me. Her skin was Caucasian and she had a dark brown hair with a ponytail. She wore a dark red T-shirt and dark jeans, her trainers were white though. In her hands she held bags, so my guess about shopping was more or less true.

Once she got close enough she carefully dropped the bags and hugged me tight. Surprised, I followed her example and hugged her too.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I wanted to come as fast as possible, but got unlucky again.” I could sense a sincere apology in her voice. I tried to be kind to her as an exception, because I rarely break my calm face,. “Don’t worry. Let’s have a proper chat inside, alright?”
I turned my face to the police officers and gave them my thanks and a farewell, they left right after that. While their car was taking them away from the area, me and Sherry Sherry and I walked back to the flat. She was pretty much in high spirits and that energized my mood, making me feel welcome. Because I said I’d like to talk inside we were quiet all the way to the flat, though once we got inside her mouth literally exploded.
“There’s just so much I want to ask you I do not know where to start.” sShe cheerfully smiled while taking the bags to the kitchen to cook something.

I was quite aware of her efforts so I didn’t offer any help and let her handle all the cooking. Meanwhile I sat on the chair at a dinning table and smiled.
“Could say the same here.”

I really meant what I said. I didn’t really know much about Sherry Redville, my distant relative. I felt the need to know the most I could about her, so I could determine my future actions as her guardian. After all that’s the deal I accepted, living as a fellow citizen, who has had to look after Sherry. I started speaking first after a short silence,. “You know, I heard you harmed some guys. What happened?”
“Oh, that? Some troublesome molesters bugged me when I hurried back home from the grocery. Being attractive sure has damned disadvantageds.”
“Maybe does, maybe doesn’t. Anyway, for you to deal with them so well you must have some experience at martial arts, right?”
“You’ve got quite a sharp sense. Yea, I learned some martial arts to be able to defend myself.”

“That’s a wise decision. But you know, I’d like to test your strength later.”
She looked at me, a bit surprised, but when she saw my genuine smile a smileYou used 'smile' twice. Try 'grin,' 'smirk,' 'beam,' or anything else you can think of. :} on her face appeared once again, “Sure, why not? Just I just hope you won’t be as weak as them.”
“Challenge guaranteed.” I slightly smiled. Another 'smile'. x[} She still didn’t know of my past at all.
Some time later she placed two plates of spaghetti with cheese, fried eggs, tomatoes and some species on the dinning table.

We spent a lot of time trying to find out about each other. In the end I was more satisfied than her as the information I got surpassed the ones I gave here. I found out that her brother Johnson took her with him when she was just eight years old ( she’s sixteen now she was sixteen then ), because their parents were killed in a terrorist accident when one guy self-exploded at an underground station. Her brother, as I already know knew works workedas a government agent against terrorists. Makes sense, doesn’t it.? Pretty much the reason he asked me to look after his sister, my distant relative, as his task wasn’t one of the easy ones.

She however However, she got to know a made-up story Johnson wanted me to tell her. The story goes said that I met him in one of the cities, where he had to get some local information. Due to a strange feeling of being similar we had our DNA checked at a local doctor and found out we’re we were distant relatives. Because I lived all alone Johnson offered me to move to his flat where his sister lives. I honestly hate to lie, but if she was to know the real past, we both believe she’d be carrying a heavy burden. That’s why all’s all was kept secret from her, which shamefully I believe we’d have to tell her one day, because after all I, one of the walking dead, who walks among dead bodies, will have to fulfill my role one day.