Amidst the dust and blood - Ch1 Part 1/2

by Wolferion
  • May 21, 2010
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Action / Adventure

~ Deleted from existence ~

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
CelticaNoir
Comment
CelticaNoir commented · Mon May 24, 2010 2:38 pm

Thanks for the advice! I guess I forgot about describing her looks. :D I'll fix it later.

User avatar
dogs
Review
dogs wrote a review · Sun May 23, 2010 2:53 pm

Hiya dogs here. First of all this is a good start I enjoyed it. And its got a good ending to that half of the chapter. But there are a few things i would change first. For example, we have no idea what the girl looks like or what the store looks like. Be descriptive don't leave everything for the reader to make up it takes them out of the moment. Also when your talking about her boss... what trouble was she into? Personally I see the boss as a big fat man that never gets out of his chair. What do you see him as? Paint it out for me (not litarly obviously)

Also. Your ending for this half chapter was great, very strong and kept the reader hanging so they had to read on. I can't wait to read your next chapter. HOPE TO SEE YA SOON :twisted: <--------- IM A VAMPIRE



“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451