Young Writers Society

Hey, I'm here to review! Glad you keep this project going!

So it's Gemini first, yasssss, my star. c:

But it could not be denied that, the loss of one thing had came at the gain of another.

He breathed out a sigh of relief, it was still there.

Castor permitted himself a small smile at the synchronised speech, he ran a finger down the wax sealed rings and looked up.

They were the classic star-crossed lovers, separated by class yet destined to be forever since first sight.

Watched for the way their eyes spoke without words, how the minute shift of an eyebrow stood for amusement and a lowering of lids meant the brooding of a past memory tucked away in the deeper crevices of their mind.

“...the only that comes out is the perspiration on my head.

Hey Wisteria! You shared this idea in a thread a while back, and I was immediately interested. So, here I am! I hope this review helps a little.

Because this is a short story, I find it hard to get used to the surroundings and characters. I had an issue comprehending that they were in a cave, and I think that's what my issue was with it not being realistic enough. I don't think you should stress this aspect more in a sense that you don't need to constantly say "we're in a cave" etc. But, I do think more descriptions of the cave will better my experience of the surroundings of Castor and Pollux. I mean, I'm used to a shop being in a concrete building along a street with other shops. This setting is awfully different than what I'm used to, and I think helping the reader familiarize with the cave would help a lot. What does it look like? What about Castor and Pollux? What are they like? I think you had a lot of missed opportunities to expand on the characters and setting. I felt like you were mainly focussed on the plot and not so much the others.

To add on to what I previously said, so much deep stuff came from Pollux and Castor through conversation, and it feels kind of awkward reading such an intense conversation because I haven't really a clue about who these characters are. I have a tiny sense of their personalities but besides that? It was all kind of blown at me, and sometimes it was hard to have sympathy for new characters to me.

I think the main plot 'twist' and overall development was a the end. That's where everything happened. The beginning shop and customer scenes were almost a background experience of their everyday life, but then the end was where their skills came into play. That's where most of your attention was drawn, and I think it could be better set up to that leading moment.

The relationship between the two brothers was very complex and intriguing. I couldn't base it off of much, but a lot definitely occurred between the two that I can judge it from here. From what I've read, they seem pretty close, and they truly want the best for each other. They seem to be looking out for each other. Their relationship looks like it has been grown from lots of hardships, lies, etc. I definitely liked that. I actually feel like I got more out of Castor than Pollux -- it would be interesting to see some of their past, or something of the sort. This short story follows Castor pretty much the entire time, up until the ending, and I think we could hear more from Pollux. But their relationship was well crafted and displayed.

With the improvements mentioned, I still think this short story was amazing. Like I've said in your idea pitch thread -- the concept is pretty interesting, to say the least. I can see your poetic side through this; there were a lot of lines and sentences that were phrased beautifully. It has lots of potential in the future and I can't wait for the rest!

I hope this review helped! It was a little short, but maybe there is still some quality in it! If you have any questions, please let me know! <3

I love how lyrical this piece is. A couple of lines stood out to me as being incredibly well-crafted: "A belief of a large cosmic order governing the wild chaotic universe, restoring order to lives they fail to control" and "And he smiled with terrible knowledge" are especially fantastic.

You ask what I think about the setting (at the top). My answer is that there wasn't really enough there for me to judge that, and this is my main problem with the piece. I didn't really get a feel for where I am, though I've gotten to know the characters very well. It's hard to do both at once, but I'd encourage you to try. I get glimpses of the politics of this world, but that's about it. So that's definitely the first edit I would make.

Beyond that, there were a couple of references, "A ticking time bomb" and "get off your high horse" that you should think about. Do they work in the context of this story? Are there time bombs and horses? These are questions only you can answer, and though I love both analogies, you should take a look.

Overall, a very good start to what is bound to be a great short story. And I love the name Pollux, so that's an added bonus.

Lovely description, and detail. It brings out what actually happening and makes me feel like I am experiencing it from where I am. The paragraphs are well spaced out through out it, making it show that you understand how to progress through a story properly. I read through this twice but for some reason I couldn't still understand the Ending. I know it might be clearer for others, but for me it wasn't.