Young Writers Society

Hey there Stranger!
Oh goodness I really like this poem too! I love your patten of using italics at the start of the stanza and having every two stanzas be a line shorter as well (until voice).

the trees block
the clouds that
cover
the lunar eclipse.

I can associate feelings with easily with this stanza because I know it would be awful to miss a lunar eclipse, especially if I (like the narrator) knew that it was going on.

Harpsichord;
Whiny notes played
on a whiny machine
let one know that
whining is natural.

This is the one stanza that seems a bit odd to me. Harpsichords don't strike me as whiny, but even if you think that they are, I'm not sure I understand how that lets the narrator "know that whining is natural." Also, I think instrument might be better than machine, but that's your choice.

Bass;
it's okay
to be drowned out
by silence.

Ah, I really love this stanza!! Being drowned out by silence is always a cool topic.

Glockenspiel;
don't worry,
we all
"play a part".

I hear people say "we all play a part" a lot, and I like how you have that last bit quoted, it seems almost like the narrator is mocking the quote. (Sorry if I'm interpreting this wrong)

Voice;
Drown out everything
you want to say.

Brain;
Do very little.

Eyes;
watch.

I like the repetition of drown, I think it gives the poem a more negative air. Also, I think "drowns" for voice and "does" for brain might work a little better here. Right now, the way it's worded seems to be commanding the voice, brain, and eyes, which may be how you intended it. If so, definitely keep it, it makes the poem very interesting. I also like the ending- very simple and a bit mysterious with just: "Eyes; watch."

Overall, this is an amazing poem! Keep writing, I love reading your poetry!

-Falco