Young Writers Society

Hello. It's Mahvash here. I hope you are having a great life.

This poem is somewhat evocative. It gives you feels of heartbreak. It is engaging and every line depicts a new kind of pain, a new kind of rejection. You have done an amazing job.

Suggestion:
Your soul is so pure
It makes me blind with the light

You can (if you want to, this is a suggestion not a compulsive task) substitue the word "Pure" with "Bright" and I think it will seem a bit appropriate.

But anyways, I am impressed. Well done. Keep up this good work.

I agree with the other reviews that this poem very effectively conveys the deep feelings associated with having to accept a rejection from a person we love. The repetitions are charming.

About the punctuation, I usually leave that up top the poet unless it disrupts the flow or else interferes with meaning. Since I personally didn't find that to be the case I guess that it can be considered personal preference or poetic license?

Suggestion:

I notice that you tell another reviewer that you begin the poem by describing your loved one. I failed to understand the description that way. I thought it was referring to the speaker. That made me wonder how a sweater, cold feet and green eyes is relevant to feeling sad. To improve the poem I would try to make it clear whom I am referring to in the introduction.

hey there Whosa, its the friendly neighborhood memory here!

I want to start off by saying that this has potential to be a great song/poem depending on the course you wanna take for it. The general feel to it is that part of a break up that is a mixture of denial and hatred. We need more imagery. Bottom line right there (i almost spelled Lion oops lol) I want you to add more detail and more emotion into it since the narrator sounds kinda bored with it all. (though if that's your intention then its very well done) i want to reiterate that this has all the markings for a great song as it sounds to me when i read it aloud to myself that it's a chorus rather than a poem or even a spoken word poem.

All in all I love the content but it just needs more emotion and imagery to give the reader the feelings that the narrator feels

Hope this helps and keep writing

~mem

Hello! Wordwing here! Let's jump right into it.

1.lack of commas

2Your soul is so pure
It makes me blind with the light
My opinion is that this should be
"Your soul, so pure,
Makes me blind with the light,"


I really liked the repetition in this poem. It fits and describes that feeling of being hartbroken again and again.
Anyway, the poem isn't bad, and that last tip is just the style i prefer, you don't have to change it. Have a great day!

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

*sends virtual hug*

So, in all seriousness, commas are missing everywhere but thats no big deal. The places that need commas would be "Black coffee and big sweaters", "Green eyes cold feet", "Oh help me", "I love you so", "Oh help me", "I hate you so", "Oh help me". A comma is also needed after every Oh. Otherwise the flow was great and when you write more please tag me!

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you had your heart broken so many times. You have been lied to a lot, no? You wonder when you will finally find that one person who would die for you and love you and trust you till you do die.

Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanksgiving! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!