That clay imagery, right at the start, that's gold!
"From what you are / from what we did," rhythmic flare, and a good follow up from previous lines.
"You ruined everything for me," is a good break. It's breaking up the backstory at the same time as breaking up the rhythmic structure. Again, super fly.
"Couldn't you tell I was calling out for help?" I sure couldn't tell, mr. Narrator, sir.
Narrator needs lady friend so she can be happy? very confused.
Maybe instead of, "and yes," you just say, "Yes / I should know."
Instead of, "That cheating is bad," maybe just "Cheating is bad," cause that would flow rhythmically into the next line well.
I enjoyed the way you said, "Cheating / is / not / okay."
This narrator be petty, and you show that well!
Now, I'm usually against curse words, but I loved its spared use in this poem.
Overall, the greatest strength is the use of line breaks. I completely get what you're trying to say. Some say clarity is bad, I say, "Why'd the artist write something people don't understand." That is to say, I like clarity. Greatest weakness, outside of lack of punctuation, and it's not really a weakness, but I would like to see some more imagery. That said, I'd have no idea where I'd put it, so I'll just move on.
Rating: 9/10. I liked a lot of things about this poem, but lack of punctuation, and not every poem needs a lot of deep meaning, but I can't rate it above guys like poe, and frost. I would, however, gladly group this work with theirs. So... yeah! Good job!
Points: 946
Reviews: 31
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