Young Writers Society

Wesh <3! Jade here. I'm sorry I left the WFP so soon earlier but I'm here as promised! 'll go through this line-by-line so here we go!

Eagles of the West, (Nice start!)

The nighttime test,

Fury of talons,

Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt, (This line threatens the flow. Maybe read it aloud to see what I mean.)

Eagles fly,

With this cry,

As they fall out of the sky,

Rain pours,

As Eagles soar, (The flow is back to being consistent and I like your rhyme scheme!)

Talons roar,

With war,

Eagles come north,

Into rewards,

Eagles end. (I like the ending!)

OVERALL: Maybe make sure you use less commas, I feel is disrupts the flow. Your word choice and writing style is unique and I enjoy your poems immensely, because they show so much creativity!.

-Jade <33

Hi MoonFlower! Danni here for a review!

I love the way your new avatar and banner match this poem. (They look great, BTW.)

Here is the poem with my comments in italics, changes in bold and wrong things in strikethrough.

Eagles of the West,

The night-time test,

Fury of talons,

Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt, What does this sentence mean?

Eagles fly,

With this cry,

As they fall out of the sky, This reminds me of a line in Tennyson's poem 'The Eagle.' In fact the whole work is reminiscent of this.

Rain pours,

As Eeagles soar,

Talons roar,

With war,

Eagles come north,

Into rewards,

Eagles end. This line is also a little confusing. What does eagles end mean? Does it mean they win the war and quit? Please elaborate.

why does it just say Eagles end for a closing line? I feel that I don't understand.
does it mean they quit warring, or they go to sleep, or they are extinct: or something else?

Also why are the eagles going into rewards? what is the reward? These are things you might want to address.

Hi MoonFlower!
(sorry for the late review, I got called away)
I really liked the shortness of each line and it fits in quite well with the dramatics and powerful image and feel you are trying to portray, each line is kind of like a fast punch. That being said, I think you could try to include more intense/dramatic words depending on what aspect you are trying to bring out. For examples, if you are focusing more on the strength of the eagles, you could try using "thunder streaks, as eagles soar" as it might give a more powerful image?
Also, similar to what some other noticed, it seems that you are trying to rhyme? From what I see, you seem to be using a type of rhyming system that goes like this:
A
A
B
B
However, there are some parts that goes like this
A
A
A
B
B
B
In my opinion, this kind of seems like you are trying to get the lines to rhyme with each other. Now, I feel that you could focus more on the stressing pattern in your poem and the words you use because poems don't necessarily need to rhyme. For the stressing pattern , I feel that it would sound better if you try to make them even? (By stressing I mean the words someone would emphasize when they read it)
There are also some parts where I feel the punctuation could be edited, for example, this part:
" Talons roar,
With war"
The comma in this give a kind of pause when reading, I'm not sure if this was deliberately done to make it rhyme with the line above, but personally I feel that this makes the sentence sound disjointed and awkward. Maybe you could try " Talons roar with war"?
Lastly I kind of have a question here:
For this part " as they fall out of the sky", are they like diving down? Because this line seems to contradict with the picture of strength you seem to be painting with this poem? Thanks
(also sorry about the empty comment, I typed something wrongly)

Wow love the poem, can't wait to see more of your work.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing the dramatic depiction of the Eagle. I say dramatic because the eagles are described as being in action or else on their way to a violent encounter. I could imagine the sky full with such powerful birds about to dive and I sure would not like to be under such an ominous threat. The poem captures the vibrancy of the general situation which I believe is the poem’s intention.

Suggestions

I personally would have enjoyed reading it more with regular punctuation, so my advice is based on that. When each line starts with a capital, I pause because I am not sure whether I am starting a new sentence or continuing the one above.

Sometimes I have to stop and start over because I make the mistake of continuing after a slight pause when I was suppose to come to a full stop. This is made more serious if we use commas instead of periods because commas are telling me to pause and not stop.

If I pause and then I find that I had to stop, then I will have misread it and the reading experience can become choppy via a distracting stop-and-start sequence. So in my opinion, fixing this would be an improvement.

Eagles of the west, . . . .
Eagles of the West, . . . .
https://www.proofreadnow.com/blog/bid/3 ... ize-or-Not

The night time test, . . . . [This means a test involving time.]
The nighttime test, . . . . [This means a test during the night.]

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nighttime

As they fall out of the sky,
. . . . as they fall out of the sky[.]

As Eagles soar,
. . . . as eagles soar[.]

But this is controversial.
http://www.thebirdist.com/2013/07/a-wor ... names.html

With war,
. . . . with war[.]

. . . . into rewards[.]


Looking forward to reading more of your work.

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Thanks for sharing this poem. It was amazing. I could see your natural flair for poems.

I could get a theatrical picture in my head, it was indeed adventurous I liked the way you have written this piece, you had rhyme- schemes on and off, and you know what? it worked. In my opinion, if you have forced the rhyme -scheme, it might have been aggressive. So, props to you!

Clever choice of vocabs and imagery you've used.

I just loved these lines:

"Eagles fly,

With this cry,

As they fall out of the sky,

Rain pours,

As Eagles soar,

Talons roar,

With war,

Eagles come north,

Into rewards,

Eagles end."

It was of perfect length. It is tough to deliver a message when it is cut to the bone, it was impressive you did it.

The way you started the poem, hooked me to read further, it was narrative and intriguing.

I loved it. Looking forward for more of your writing.

Keep up the awesome writing!! you have much potential.

Hi there MoonFlower!

I like some of the rhyming you've got going on in this poem! I think for the most part, you've got a few good solid rhymes in there, but the rhyme scheme is inconsistent! When the rhyme scheme gets thrown off, it can feel a little jarring for the reader!

So for example, you've got:

Eagles of the west,
The night time test,

Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt,

Eagles of the west, A
The night time test, A
Fury of talons, B
Meeting an Eagle’s eyes taunt, C
Eagles fly, D
With this cry, D
As they fall out of the sky, D
Rain pours, E (ish, since it's plural!)
As Eagles soar, E
Talons roar, E
With war, E
Eagles come north, F
Into rewards, G
Eagles end. H

Talons roar,