Young Writers Society

Hi there, I hope this message finds you in good health. I really dig those lyrics, they perfectly wrap a sense of melancholy and fantastical nature montages. I don't know how I made that compliment up, maybe its all due to being in company of yout genius. The singing is sweet and simple. Overall it was a nice experience!

Heyy!
I love how u made this concept of making a dead person go into deep oceans instead of the usual heaven or hell concept! Though I feel it would have sounded more apt if u used ‘soul’ instead of heart. Maybe ur perception of this song is different from mine.

Deep Into the ocean blue,
Where did you’re soul go?
(Here again where had to be used instead of were.)

On this day,
With the turn of roads, ( I personally feel this is more correct, I may be wrong apologies

Did it fly away?
Did u let it go?
Or did u let it burn?(I love these lines! Well thought and written, though u should have used a question mark for all the three lines)

Inside you’re heart
You’re soul is frail
No one knows( again here I guess u wanted to use you’re and knows)
A soul can leave anytime (This would suit better )

Ohh but remember,
The little things,
We used to do,
But now you’re gone
Deep into the ocean blue
Where everyone’s always,
Crying for u.

Your soul is lost,
Cause it has now gone,
Deep into the ocean blue,
Where my crying soul tries to fine u.

What u have written us exceptionally good! I just wanted to I’ve my own insights in it!

Heyy!
I love how u made this concept of making a dead person go into deep oceans instead of the usual heaven or hell concept! Though I feel it would have sounded more apt if u used ‘soul’ instead of heart. Maybe ur perception of this song is different from mine.

Deep Into the ocean blue,
Where did you’re soul go?
(Here again where had to be used instead of were.)

On this day,
With the turn of roads, ( I personally feel this is more correct, I may be wrong apologies

Did it fly away?
Did u let it go?
Or did u let it burn?(I love these lines! Well thought and written, though u should have used a question mark for all the three lines)

Inside you’re heart
You’re soul is frail
No one knows( again here I guess u wanted to use you’re and knows)
A soul can leave anytime (This would suit better )

Ohh but remember,
The little things,
We used to do,
But now you’re gone
Deep into the ocean blue
Where everyone’s always,
Crying for u.

Your soul is lost,
Cause it has now gone,
Deep into the ocean blue,
Where my crying soul tries to fine u.

What u have written is exceptionally good! I just wanted to put my own insights in it!

Hi, Dossereana! So sorry for stopping by a little late, but I was happy to see you've posted a piece close to your heart. One and a half years is nothing to scoff at!

I can tell there's a lot of sadness in this piece. The subject is clearly brokenhearted at losing someone they loved so much. You did a really good job expressing their emotions here -- I could feel my own heart twist achingly in my chest!

On top of that, you chose the added theme of being lost in the ocean. As someone who's afraid of drowning, this really hit home for me, and I feel like this metaphor works perfectly with the idea of loss and heartache. Both situations make you feel like you can't breathe anymore, maybe even that there's nothing else to live for so you slowly let go of life altogether.

I would have loved to see you dive into this metaphor deeper, make more similarities or connections between "sinking into the ocean" and "losing a loved one". Use the song to express the singer's emotions AND the story behind it. There's always a story behind anyone who fell in love -- especially one who loved and lost. Did the loved one have sea-blue eyes? Is this a terrifyingly sad story of a suicide, that the loved one suffered under great pressure and simply gave out? Maybe it's the reverse, the singer/subject feels more like someone suffocating beneath the ocean's waves? What is it about the ocean that makes the singer think about their lost loved one? I think that'll help tie together the metaphor a bit cleaner!

And as a listener, I would definitely like to fall in love and lose the same person, rather than feel sadness or pity for the singer. Make me feel what the subject feels! Make me fall in love with someone and then tragically lose them, as clearly the subject here has. That could give your piece a whole lot more punch!

I wish I could hear it sung. I imagine this to be a sad, slow tune perhaps finger-strung on a guitar or ukulele. It would make me cry for sure. I'm such a sensitive soul. XD

Beautiful piece, though! I can tell this means a lot to you. The emotion is really strong here, so you definitely wrote with your heart. I think tying the metaphor a bit more closely to the story/subject will give this a whole lot more power.

Well done! Keep writing!!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey!
This is such a beautiful piece! The title is enticing, and it instantly drew me in. You did a wonderful job! I do have a few things I'd like to point out. These are all just suggestions, so you don't have to pay any mind if you don't agree with it

First, I'd recommend dividing this into stanzas, as mentioned below. Personally, I think it makes it easier to read and follow along.

There are also some grammar things (some have already been pointed out in other reviews, but I'll mention them again just in case so I don't miss anything).

You may have a reason for your capitalization that I am not aware of, but most of the time, you capitalize the first word of the line, and that is it. But then you stopped doing it in the middle and picked it up again. Additionally, you capitalized a word in the middle of a line ("hearts can go, Anytime,"). I would recommend keeping the capitalization consistent, but if there is a specific reason you did this, then pardon me.

"Were did your heart go,"
I would personally put a question mark at the end instead of a comma, and I think you meant "Where" instead of "Were"

"With the roads turn"
I'm a little confused by this line. Are you talking about the turns of the road? If so, it should be "the road's turn." Maybe it's obvious, and I just didn't realize it. If so, I apologize xD

"No one noes,"
I believe you meant "knows" instead of "noes"

"But now your gone,"
I believe you meant "you're"instead of "your"

"Were tears can no longer find you,"
I believe you meant "Where" instead of "Were"

"Because its now gone,"
I believe you meant "it's" instead of "its"

"Were my heart sinks down to cry for you."
I believe you meant "Where" instead of "Were"

Sorry if it seems like I'm nitpicking; I just really like this piece, and fixing the small things can really take this to the next level. Again, you don't have to listen to it all. These are all merely suggestions.
Thank you so much for sharing! I'd love to read more of your work in the future This is quite beautiful and lovely!

Doss, this poem/lyrics actually has great flow! I'd love to hear you sing it, because it just already sounds wonderful when I read it out loud.

Your poem has nice flow because of the slight (but not forced) rhyme you're using throughout the piece, it's really well done.

The poem had excellent continuity all the way through keeping in the water-imagery in all the different images. And I like that although you took a familiar image (the broken heart) you mixed it up a bit and made it your own, by adding the detail that it's kind of out at sea, in the ocean! That's a striking metaphor to anchor your poem on.

I interpreted the poem/song to be about someone who is really experiencing heartache because the subject of their love has gone away without clarifying whether they'll ever be back, so the speaker doesn't know how to process their love anymore and feels like their love has just drowned in the ocean. They question whether they'll ever come back, and at the end say that their heart has also sunk looking for their love.

It's an excellent theme, because it doesn't just communicate emotion, but also communicates a story and narrative to follow along with. As a reader - this keeps me hooked until the very end and makes the poem/song that much more interesting.


A few suggestions:
The poem is about love, but we aren't given many specifics for why the speaker loves this person; were they kind? did they know each other long? what did they look like? some of these specifics would make the song feel more tangible rather than theoretical. It will help people connect to what's being said.

Also I think a few times you say "were" instead of "where" like in "were everyone is always". Also when "its" is short for "it is" then it should have an apostrophe like this: "it's" (like in the line "because its now gone".

Lastly I think you could develop the water imagery a little bit more! Water imagery is already so interesting and has so many paths you could take it to stand out, adding a few more descriptions will really make the song stick in the reader's mind!

Well done Doss! I'm glad I had a chance to read this, and hope to continue to see more of your poetry and song-writing, it's always a joy to read.

Your friend,

-alliyah

Hello,

Things I Like:

I want to actually sing this. I bet a piano rhythm can really sound good under these well thought out lyrics. I'll let you know if I ever do.

I never reviewed lyrics like this, but I think you turned me into a musical monster and I can't stop.

Things I Think Can Improve:

Nothing that has already been said.

Well, the authors note kind of blurs into the lyrics and that confused me for like five minutes, so maybe make it bold to show a difference.

Best ways to break stanzas are reading them aloud. Hope that helped.

This review is brought to you by,
Team Aubergine Leader, Haley

Hi, this Kahlene! I saw that these lyrics were in the Green Room so I thought I'd give you a review!
First off, I see songs as poetry.

This song is about a person's lover leaving right, and now she cries for them thinking they went into the ocean? This song has a context which I love! Yet, the song drags on, which I don't personally like, though since this is a song this might be okay since songs have music and all.

This may seem harsh but the lyrics are a bit bland. I suggest you add more literary devices to make it more interesting. Give the song more let's say "Pazass" where the poem will not sound boring. Also, make sure to reread before posting, there seem to be misspellings in the song. Misspellings are minor errors but they are still errors.

Also, if this is a song there should be a structure here, that contains the first verse, the chorus, and such. This can also make the song look more like a song rather than a poem.

These lyrics have potential, you should do the audio to it so I can here sometime! Keep making more lyrics I would love to review and read more of your works! I hope you have a nice day!

Hi Dossereana,

I'm not normally one for poetry/lyrics but saw you post this on your wall and thought I would come and have a quick look. I like the concept you have going here - I'd be interested to hear a melody that went alongside this. In my head it's very slow, but I'd love to hear how you intend it to sound!

A couple of comments from me. Firstly, you seem to have confused 'were' and 'where'. I think in most cases here you have missed the h as you mean the location of something? Just read through and correct those.

Additionally, because these are lyrics I think you could take advantage of stanzas to greater effect. Splitting out some of these lines into stanzas could make it clearer to read. The other thing is I'm not sure you really need the capitalisation for the beginning of each line. Perhaps you could play around with it a little and see what works best for you.

Thanks for the read!
Icy