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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Untitled (A Fallout Fanfiction) - Chapter 4.1

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Just across the bridge heading towards Concord, Jacob had already found his first signs of a fight. Two fresh corpses lay on the ground-- a man and some hairless dog. He took the gun and ammo and some stimpaks the man had before taking his clothes. Jacob took off his Vault suit, tossing it to the side, putting on the dead man's pants, coat, and gloves-- all were warmer than the rubber, fashion-focused suit.

A few yards ahead, the Red Rocket station was completely abandoned. The old building was vacant, and he ignored a sleeping hairless rat just beyond it, instead continuing down the road. Then, he heard a bark, seeing two giant mosquitoes fighting a German Shepherd. Jacob reached for his baton and limped-ran forward to swipe at them, taking one out by breaking it's back. The dog finished off the other one before sitting on the ground and licking Jacob's hand in thanks.

"You got an owner, girl?" Jacob asked, rubbing the dog's head. "Why don't you come with me? I could use a friend." The dog barked cheerfully and licked his hand, wagging her tail as she smiled. "I think I'll call you... Sadie!"

The roads were cracked and faded, no longer dark and clean as he remembered them. Rusty lamp poles, ancient debris, and yellowing grass littered the ground. In some parts of the road, small flowers poked up crom cracks and crags. Old maple trees stood by burned and scorched homes and shops, and much of the outskirts of Concord had obviously seen better days.

Jacob followed the road, Sadie at his side, stopping behind one building after he heard gunshots. On down the street, he saw three people dressed in make-shift armor shooting at a black man with some kind of laser rifle on the balcony of an old museum.

H quietly snuck forward, pulling out the pistol he had looted from the dead man earlier. Making sure it was loaded, he carefully aimed and fired at one of them, striking them in the back. A second turned and started running at him and Sadie while the third fired at the man on the balcony.

"Get him, Sadie!" Jacob growled as he quickly ejected the empty bullet shell before taking another, slightly shaky shot at the second person. The giant dog leapt onto the man, who dropped his knife as she clawed at him. Jacob hurried forward as best as he could before shooting the man in the chest, killing him. The last attacker had been shot down by the man on the balcony.

"Hey, up here!" the black man called. "I've got a group of setters inside, and the raiders are almost through the door! Grab that laser musket by Staggs and help us! Please!" The black man went inside through a small door.

Jacob leaned down and tossed the knife into his satchel before scooping up a musket-looking gun on the ground and scooped up the fusion cells on the ground. He quickly searched the pockets of the dead man beside it, finding more cells in his pockets. He also took the man's hat, placing it on his head before stepping into the museum.

The insides of the museum were burned and destroyed. Silently, Jacob cranked two cells into the barrel, getting close to the floor as he carefully aimed at an attacker-- had the man called them raiders?-- two floors up. The musk unleashed a thunderous roar as he pulled the trigger, hitting the raider squarely in the chest before rushing for the gate that led onward. Jacob started to open it, but there was a locked chain on the gate too difficult for him to pick. He turned instead into a small hall that he remembered led around to the other side.

"No more British occupation! Back to England with you!" a voice cried. Jacob assumed that the audio recordings must still be working after so many years as he quickly moved through the museum, past mannequins dressed for the Boston Massacre and old, broken relics from a bygone era.

"Join or die!"

"Have your tea back, you jackanapes!"

"No taxation without representation!"

Jacob ignored the recordings as he exited the last room, coing to a partially collapsed floor that made a ramp between the bottom floor and a staircase leading upstairs. He ran up the stairs as he reloaded two more cells into the musket. Taking careful aim, he fired at another raider from behind, sending her falling forwards, landing on the ground floor. "That army training really came in handy, didn't it, Sadie?" Jacob said sadistically as he reloaded the musket again.

He carried on around the staircase, turning into a small hall. Sneaking on the ground, he heard two men talking to one another in hushed voices.

"I don't wanna stay here, Marv, I wanna go kill them Minutemen! We been chasing them since they left Quincy," the first one complained.

"Nah, don't get ya panties in a twist, Carl, we'll get 'em soon, you's just gotta have some pashence, man," the second one-- apparently Marv-- replied.

Standing up, Jacob growled, "Carl, Marv, meet my musket," before firing at Marv. Sadie leapt onto Carl, biting at his throat as the man hollered and cried in pain before he fell still and silent, blood all over his neck and the floor, red drops running from Sadie's teeth.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," Jacob chuckled before moving on through the next hall and up another staircase. He placed the musket on the ground and reached for the 10 millimetre he'd found in the Vault, making sure it was loaded-- the musket was eating up too much ammo. He moved up the hallway, turning through a door to find three raiders in front of the door where the black man and his settlers were.

He fired at all three of them multiple times, twelve shots going off before he ducked back behind the wall to reload. He popped out again, mercilessly unleashing a storm of bullets upon the raiders. One by one, the trio fell before him, like rocks falling into a gorge after waiting to fall for centuries.

'Man, I dunno who you are, but your timing's impeccable," the black man said. He had a close shave and was dressed in a brown cowboy hat with a long dirty trench coat. "Name's Preston Garvey, and I'm with the Commonwealth Minutemen. I'm afraid that we need our help."


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Sat Apr 10, 2021 3:29 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



HELLO <3 excited for this one :)

Two fresh corpses lay on the ground-- a man and some hairless dog


ahh, of course >.> "hairless dog" is a tiny detail, but it makes this a bit more creepy, so I like that little note :)

Then, he heard a bark, seeing two giant mosquitoes fighting a German Shepherd


What do those two giant mosquitoes look like? :O What's the state of the dog? is her fur matted with blood, tangled? or does she look like she was just groomed the other day? just some tiny details that could add some colour to this ^_^

The roads were cracked and faded, no longer dark and clean as he remembered them. Rusty lamp poles, ancient debris, and yellowing grass littered the ground.


YES love these descriptions c: (although, does grass necessarily litter the ground? is it still in the earth? if it's like the aftermath of cutting your grass or something, it definitely could!)

All of these images you are providing really contributes to the atmosphere of this chapter. Rusty ogles, "ancient" debris, old trees, scorched homes - nice uses of words ^_^

I do agree with Shadow that sometimes the transitions aren't the smoothest, but you don't need to hear it twice :) <3

"Get him, Sadie!" Jacob growled as he quickly ejected the empty bullet shell before taking another, slightly shaky shot at the second person. The giant dog leapt onto the man


Sadie is so obedient / responsive to this man she just met and has already gotten used to her (maybe new) name :O

"Join or die!"

"Have your tea back, you jackanapes!"

"No taxation without representation!"


Omg xD

Jacob ignored the recordings as he exited the last room, coing to a partially collapsed floor that made a ramp between the bottom floor and a staircase leading upstairs.


(I believe you meant "going"?) That ramp sounds dangerous but fun haha :p

"That army training really came in handy, didn't it, Sadie?" Jacob said sadistically as he reloaded the musket again.


imagine if he had no training 0.0

"Nah, don't get ya panties in a twist, Carl, we'll get 'em soon, you's just gotta have some pashence, man," the second one-- apparently Marv-- replied.


rip carl and marv in advance >.>

so how does Jacob know these people are "raiders"? like what if they were good people with good intentions or something cx do they have special clothing or something? maybe you already mentioned this and I missed it oops 0.0

'Man, I dunno who you are, but your timing's impeccable," the black man said.


Was he just standing there and watching all of that? xD

"Name's Preston Garvey, and I'm with the Commonwealth Minutemen. I'm afraid that we need our help."


(I think you meant "your help"?)
OKAY BUT YES, he finally found some other humans so he won't be alone - and maybe helping them will help Jacob find his son! c:

although, I really hope these minutemen are on the same side as Jacob is and they won't backstab him or something. I trust no one in this place >.>

OOH but there are a lot of references to the American revolution here, and at first they were just old radio recordings. but these people do call themselves minutemen - is this implying that they take inspiration from the American revolution? is a revolution being planned here? what is the goal of these people anyway, and what's the goal of the raiders? I just realized that I'm not sure what the motive behind the raiders are :O and how many humans are even left on this earth? or is this vault business just happening in a specific country? AHHHHH

Preston Garvey sounds like a very ~mysterious~ and interesting guy - I'm sure he has a lot of stories to tell. excited to learn more about him :)

<333




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the review <333



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Sun Oct 11, 2020 10:04 pm
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brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello Comrade!
Concord, the most well visited place in the game. Also i see how your changing characters slightly, now dogmeat is called sadie. anyway on with the review.

Just across the bridge heading towards Concord, Jacob had already found his first signs of a fight. Two fresh corpses lay on the ground-- a man and some hairless dog. He took the gun and ammo and some stimpaks the man had before taking his clothes. Jacob took off his Vault suit, tossing it to the side, putting on the dead man's pants, coat, and gloves-- all were warmer than the rubber, fashion-focused suit.

Everyone takes the drifters outfit, nice. did you get the tire iron that was impaled in the dog? oh you dhould modify your guns, thats always fun getting a decked out pipe weapon early on in the game.

A few yards ahead, the Red Rocket station was completely abandoned. The old building was vacant, and he ignored a sleeping hairless rat just beyond it, instead continuing down the road.

You should mention that the sleeping hairless rats are the size of a dog and have massive teeth that could put a beaver to shame.

The musk unleashed a thunderous roar as he pulled the trigger, hitting the raider squarely in the chest before rushing for the gate that led onward.

That sound of the laser musket firing is pretty awesome, hey. You should mention who it was rushing to the gate, the raider or Jacob, that will clear things up a bit.

Taking careful aim, he fired at another raider from behind, sending her falling forwards, landing on the ground floor. "That army training really came in handy, didn't it, Sadie?" Jacob said sadistically as he reloaded the musket again.

He carried on around the staircase, turning into a small hall. Sneaking on the ground, he heard two men talking to one another in hushed voices.

"I don't wanna stay here, Marv, I wanna go kill them Minutemen! We been chasing them since they left Quincy," the first one complained.

"Nah, don't get ya panties in a twist, Carl, we'll get 'em soon, you's just gotta have some pashence, man," the second one-- apparently Marv-- replied.

Standing up, Jacob growled, "Carl, Marv, meet my musket," before firing at Marv. Sadie leapt onto Carl, biting at his throat as the man hollered and cried in pain before he fell still and silent, blood all over his neck and the floor, red drops running from Sadie's teeth.

the two raiders in that one room, they didn't stand a chance did they. Jacob would make a good raider overboss in the nuka world DLC if you ask me, he has that sadistic side for sure. or at least if you make him that way.

'Man, I dunno who you are, but your timing's impeccable," the black man said. He had a close shave and was dressed in a brown cowboy hat with a long dirty trench coat. "Name's Preston Garvey, and I'm with the Commonwealth Minutemen. I'm afraid that we need our help."

You better watch out Jacob soon enough 5 billion settlements are going to need your help.

Overall a good chapter and an interesting entrance to Concord, i wonder how he'll handle the thing in the sewers. thanks for keeping me updated!
Keep writing!
-brotherGeo




Riverlight says...


Jacob: *is already afraid even though we've stayed far away from Sanctuary thus far*

I take the tire iron if it suits how I se the character acting in the world. Jacob prefers sniping or close quarters w/ knives to bludgeoning someone to death with a tire iron. Boring, I know. :P

Thanks for the review! <3



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Sun Oct 11, 2020 6:05 pm
SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd take a look at this. I've been following it somewhat, so it makes sense to review it!

Jacob followed the road, Sadie at his side, stopping behind one building after he heard gunshots. On down the street, he saw three people dressed in make-shift armor shooting at a black man with some kind of laser rifle on the balcony of an old museum.

H quietly snuck forward, pulling out the pistol he had looted from the dead man earlier. Making sure it was loaded, he carefully aimed and fired at one of them, striking them in the back. A second turned and started running at him and Sadie while the third fired at the man on the balcony.


In these two paragraphs, it feels like there is barely any transition into the action scene before it starts. One moment, he's finding and saving a dog, and then in the first sentence of the first paragraph I quoted, it goes from walking along to gunshots and a fight. This feels really sudden, and there should be something here to move from one situation to the other. Having two completely different events in the same sentence never feels right.

Sadie leapt onto Carl, biting at his throat as the man hollered and cried in pain before he fell still and silent, blood all over his neck and the floor, red drops running from Sadie's teeth.


Is this entirely normal dog behavior here? It seems like Sadie is a little too aggressive for helping someone she just met. Aiming to kill doesn't seem like a first priority for most dogs.

He fired at all three of them multiple times, twelve shots going off before he ducked back behind the wall to reload. He popped out again, mercilessly unleashing a storm of bullets upon the raiders. One by one, the trio fell before him, like rocks falling into a gorge after waiting to fall for centuries.


I know he's done some military service, but isn't it rather unlikely that he could take down so many opponents on his own without getting hit once? That's extremely low odds, especially if his leg hurts, and the enemies have any fighting experience, which they certainly would. I would consider making fights more realistic, because he should have gotten at least injured in a fight like this.

Anyway, this is my advice for you. I hope you found it helpful!

- Shadow




Riverlight says...


I'm just preparing for 4.2, which is a little more dramatic. Realism isn't my focus, really :P




May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year