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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Untitled (A Fallout Fanfiction) - Chapter 2

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Critical failure in cryogenic array. All Vault reidents must acate immediately.

As the metallic pod door opened, Jacob collapsed to the ground, shaking and moaning. Had he been frozen? Had the "safety" of the Vaults been a lie? Was his wife really dead? What had happened?

After several minutes, Jacob slowly started to stand up, leaning on part of his pod before moving towards his wife's. Trembling, he pressed the emergency evacuation button, watching the pod open with fear in his eyes and both love and hate in his heart. Half-frozen blood covered her Vault, her eyes were cloudy, gray, no longer the leafy green that he knew so well.

He slipped her wedding ring off, vowing, "I'll find who did this, Barbara... and I'll get James back." Tears filled his eyes as he kissed her frost-filled red hair. "I promise." He took a step back and closed the pod door again before noticing something he thought peculiar-- no one else was getting out.

One by one, he peered through the frosty screens, looking for any sign of life. Jacob walked through the sliding Vault door, going through the next room of pods.

Dead.

They were all dead.

And he was very alone.

He sat on the ground in the hallway, tears streaming down his old, bearded face. I'm alone, he thought. There's no one left but me, no one here, no one alive...

Me and James, he corrected. James is out there, somewhere... I've just gotta... gotta remember the way out...

He slid his back up the wall, standing, shaking. He walked towards the door that he had passed through when he had first arrived, only to find it locked. "Damn it," he cursed, resisting the urge to kick the door. Jacob took in a shaky deep breath and tried the other door. Jacob was already walking through before it was completely open, nervously stepping down a small staircase. He turned to the right, following the hall when he saw a giant, monstrous bug on the other side of a window.

"Giant... giant cockroaches," he muttered. He looked around for some kind of weapon, anything that could be used to squash them. In the corner of a room, Jacob snatched up a rusty security baton. That, if nothing else, would help.

Keeping the baton at the ready, he moved on, coming to a small, messy office that smelled of rust and mildew. Empty cigarette cartons and coffee mugs littered the ground, and all of the filing drawers were open and empty, apart from a bobby pin he snatched up and a stimpak he found laying on the floor.

"These could be useful," he said quietly, pocketing them.

He turned and left the room, going back to follow the long, never-ending hallway. A light flickered overhead as Jacob opened the next door. On the ground, about ten feet ahead of him, one of the giant roaches lay dormant, its body remaining still and unmoving. He inched closer to kill it in one swift blow, he it heard his footsteps. Scuttling to the side, it unleashed an evil hiss before Jacob slammed the baton down on its back, a loud crunch sounding as the baton went through its exoskeleton.

Jacob looked at the gooey entrails with disgust before listening for any other roaches in the room. When he was satisfied there were none, he moved on into the next room. Power transformers took up the middle of the room, forcing him to skirt around the edges. He heard a hiss and turned his head, seeing a roach on top of a skeleton. He squashed the bug and ran through the next door-- into two more.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Jacob growled, stomping on on as he slapped the other down with his baton. "How did you get so big?"

Beside the next door was a water fountain. It was luke-warm, but it satisfied him. Jacob opened the next door to find--

A gun. There was a gun on a desk in a larger room. Ammo cases were on the desk and the ground, and there was another gun-- some kind of heavy flamer or something-- locked up in a case. Jacob hooked the baton on his Vault suit's belt loop and picked up the gun, immediately loading it with bullets. He searched the room for more boxes of ammo, piling them up on the table. Doing some quick math, he estimated he had at least sixty rounds.

Jacob found a large satchel under the desk and scooped the boxes inside. "These'll be useful... then again, better save them for the people that took James..."

He made sure that the safety was on his gun before putting it in his satchel. He unhooked his baton and placed it on the table, staring at the next door. He sat at the desk terminal and rummaged through the drawers one last time, taking another bobby pin, a few stimpaks, a Radaway, a pen, and a notepad. Packing those items into his satchel, he started to mess with the terminal, selecting an option that would unlock the door. As soon as he clicked on it, the door immediately started to open. Jacob smiled, apparently, satisfied with himself, and moved on through the door.

He was faced with three more bugs in the hall, which he killed rather quickly. coming again to another door, he was attacked by two more, stomping on one and slamming the baton down on the other.

There was another door, and Jacob sighed as he passed through it before realizing that he was now at the Vault entrance. If he could open the Vault door, slide the bridge across, and get to the other side, he could use the platform that brought him down to go to the sur--

A hiss interrupted his thoughts as a roach jumped on his leg. Jacob released a blood-curdling scream as it climbed his leg. He slammed his baron down on it, crushing the bug but hurting his leg. "Fuck it all to shit!" he growled, using the end of the baton to scrape the guts of the bug off of his leg. "Damn you!"

Jacob took a deep breath, clenching his eyes shut as he tried to block out the wave of pain that had followed his ill-placed strike. Where the hell had it come from? More importantly, why the hell hadn't he just nudged it off and then crushed it instead of destroying his needed limb?

He limped forward, heading towards the Vault controls. A small warning read "Pip-Boy Cord Here." One lay on the floor nearby. Picking it up, he unlocked the wrist piece and wrapped it around his left arm. He turned it on and the Vault Boy flashed on screen, giving him a thumbs-up.

He unhooked a cord from the Pip-Boy and plugged it into the Vault controls before flipping a lever that made the door slide open and a bridge stretch across the gap to the other side. He rushed over, stepping down the staircase, and onto the platform. It slowly began to rise. The computer voice sounded one last time, saying, Enjoy your return to the surface, and thank you for choosing Vault-Tec.


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Thu Apr 08, 2021 8:31 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Heyo :) hehe don't mind me reading this~

Critical failure in cryogenic array. All Vault reidents must acate immediately.


oof everything is a disaster 0.0

I believe you meant "residents" and maybe "vacate"? ^_^

Jacob collapsed to the ground, shaking and moaning. Had he been frozen? Had the "safety" of the Vaults been a lie? Was his wife really dead? What had happened?


Ooh, maybe he'd be more about "what just happened" or like since he just collapsed, he might be a bit out of it to think about all of those questions cx so maybe he'd think of simpler questions right now? like where is he? why does his head hurt so much? is his wife okay?

Half-frozen blood covered her Vault, her eyes were cloudy, gray, no longer the leafy green that he knew so well.


I honestly think you could give more descriptions! or at least his inner thoughts and feelings? obviously he's heartbroken, and I LOVE how you mention his trembling. I would also love to know more though! ^_^ what other actions portrays his devastation?

And he was very alone.


oof </3 that's gotta be super hard :/

Empty cigarette cartons and coffee mugs littered the ground, and all of the filing drawers were open and empty, apart from a bobby pin he snatched up and a stimpak he found laying on the floor.


love this bit of description! especially the "empty cigarette cartons and coffee mugs" -> super chilling detail

"These could be useful," he said quietly, pocketing them.


just a suggestion that you don't have to take at all! ^_^ you could say "he muttered" or "whispered" or something similar c:

one of the giant roaches lay dormant, its body remaining still and unmoving.


as much as I don't want to know what these look like because ew 0.0 I think some descriptions on the size, the ugliness of the roaches would be awesome xD the worse, the better xD

He made sure that the safety was on his gun before putting it in his satchel. He unhooked his baton and placed it on the table, staring at the next door. He sat at the desk terminal and rummaged through the drawers one last time


(didn't want to paste the whole paragraph <333)

a lot of these sentences start with "he" -> I know it's hard to find substitutes, cause you can only really call him by his name of "he" cx try mixing up your sentence structure! come in with a phrase instead of starting with the subject. throw in his name sometimes!

He was faced with three more bugs in the hall, which he killed rather quickly. coming again to another door, he was attacked by two more, stomping on one and slamming the baton down on the other.


ooh these bugs don't seem to be that bad, judging from the swiftness he kills them in!

Enjoy your return to the surface, and thank you for choosing Vault-Tec.


okay wow I love the sentence you chose to end this on - this must be such a familiar thing for him to hear, but this time it has a much different meaning. the narrator has now realized that these vaults aren't what they seem to be >.> in addition, just machines and robots are chilling in general. so you ending it on this note just gives such an eerie vibe, and the "returning to the surface" bit is 0.0 oof

I feel so bad for Jacob, I hope he doesn't feel any survivor's guilt </3 I'm guessing that finding his child is going to be the main motivating factor to his struggles and conflict

<333




Riverlight says...


Thanks so much for the review!! <333



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Fri Oct 09, 2020 12:14 am
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Staphsendingmenoodles wrote a review...



You have became better. Oh the feeling of this chapter is coming to life! I love the detail of how Jacob feels about his wife's death. I love the realistic-ness of it. I just love it, you have improved quickly within this chapter and took the critiques I and others made into heart and put it into this chapter, but enough praising time to review!

Hey Hey, I'm Staphsendingmenoodles, but you can just call me Noodles, only if you want to. Today, since I critique you already, I will only going over grammar and punctuation (and maybe some other things along the lines.) I hope you don't mind!

--
"He was very alone."

The sentence is wonky, but nothing an easy fix could do. It's really,"He was very much alone." I'm not being picky am I?

Ok that really all lmao. Anyway it all looks good.

-Noodles




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the review! <3

Nah, I don't think that's picky.



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Thu Oct 08, 2020 11:04 pm
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brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello comrade!
Jacobs escape from vault 111 was much more emotional and interesting than the usual rush to get out. Also nice job adding scavenging details, one of my favroute parts of the game, picking up good loot! anyway on with the review.

After several minutes, Jacob slowly started to stand up, leaning on part of his pod before moving towards his wife's. Trembling, he pressed the emergency evacuation button, watching the pod open with fear in his eyes and both love and hate in his heart.

Several minutes is a long time to be on the floor. A better thing to describe Jacobs emotions to seeing his dead wife would be "The pod opening with fear in his eyes and both overwelming grief and hate in his heart." I do understand what your trying to do however, it's just using love to describe this situation can be a little... strange or misdirecting.

One by one, he peered through the frosty screens, looking for any sign of life. Jacob walked through the sliding Vault door, going through the next room of pods.

Dead.

They were all dead.

And he was very alone.

He sat on the ground in the hallway, tears streaming down his old, bearded face. I'm alone, he thought. There's no one left but me, no one here, no one alive...

Great description and an excellent emotional response from the Sole survivor, something we didn't get to see in game.

Beside the next door was a water fountain. It was luke-warm, but it satisfied him. Jacob opened the next door to find--

No rads, 5 health. best lukewarm fountain in the game.

there was another gun-- some kind of heavy flamer or something-- locked up in a case.

Those are some cold flames Jacob.

He made sure that the safety was on his gun before putting it in his satchel. He unhooked his baton and placed it on the table, staring at the next door. He sat at the desk terminal and rummaged through the drawers one last time, taking another bobby pin, a few stimpaks, a Radaway, a pen, and a notepad. Packing those items into his satchel, he started to mess with the terminal, selecting an option that would unlock the door. As soon as he clicked on it, the door immediately started to open. Jacob smiled, apparently, satisfied with himself, and moved on through the door.

A pen and notepad? do we get a journal for this character, that would be interesting.

A hiss interrupted his thoughts as a roach jumped on his leg. Jacob released a blood-curdling scream as it climbed his leg. He slammed his baron down on it, crushing the bug but hurting his leg. "Fuck it all to shit!" he growled, using the end of the baton to scrape the guts of the bug off of his leg. "Damn you!"

Jacob took a deep breath, clenching his eyes shut as he tried to block out the wave of pain that had followed his ill-placed strike. Where the hell had it come from? More importantly, why the hell hadn't he just nudged it off and then crushed it instead of destroying his needed limb?

It's good that you included self harm, makes it much more realistic. and depending on this characters reaction nto the pain, he isn't going to be a bullet tank. makes the hostility of the commonwealth all the more exciting. i cant wait to see this guy out in the wastes. you should send him to the super-duper mart in lexington that place is fun, ghouls everywhere.

Overall a great continutation of the vault escape. i'm looking forward to the next entry and where you will take this character. i didn't notice to many problems but then again I wasn't looking for any so i'm just here to say... good job, a fun read. Thanks!
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the awesome review! I'm actually basing his life on my most recent play-through-- guy in his 50s just trying to adjust-- and I'm really happy you like it! <3




Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley