Heyo :) hehe don't mind me reading this~
Critical failure in cryogenic array. All Vault reidents must acate immediately.
oof everything is a disaster 0.0
I believe you meant "residents" and maybe "vacate"? ^_^
Jacob collapsed to the ground, shaking and moaning. Had he been frozen? Had the "safety" of the Vaults been a lie? Was his wife really dead? What had happened?
Ooh, maybe he'd be more about "what just happened" or like since he just collapsed, he might be a bit out of it to think about all of those questions cx so maybe he'd think of simpler questions right now? like where is he? why does his head hurt so much? is his wife okay?
Half-frozen blood covered her Vault, her eyes were cloudy, gray, no longer the leafy green that he knew so well.
I honestly think you could give more descriptions! or at least his inner thoughts and feelings? obviously he's heartbroken, and I LOVE how you mention his trembling. I would also love to know more though! ^_^ what other actions portrays his devastation?
And he was very alone.
oof </3 that's gotta be super hard :/
Empty cigarette cartons and coffee mugs littered the ground, and all of the filing drawers were open and empty, apart from a bobby pin he snatched up and a stimpak he found laying on the floor.
love this bit of description! especially the "empty cigarette cartons and coffee mugs" -> super chilling detail
"These could be useful," he said quietly, pocketing them.
just a suggestion that you don't have to take at all! ^_^ you could say "he muttered" or "whispered" or something similar c:
one of the giant roaches lay dormant, its body remaining still and unmoving.
as much as I don't want to know what these look like because ew 0.0 I think some descriptions on the size, the ugliness of the roaches would be awesome xD the worse, the better xD
He made sure that the safety was on his gun before putting it in his satchel. He unhooked his baton and placed it on the table, staring at the next door. He sat at the desk terminal and rummaged through the drawers one last time
(didn't want to paste the whole paragraph <333)
a lot of these sentences start with "he" -> I know it's hard to find substitutes, cause you can only really call him by his name of "he" cx try mixing up your sentence structure! come in with a phrase instead of starting with the subject. throw in his name sometimes!
He was faced with three more bugs in the hall, which he killed rather quickly. coming again to another door, he was attacked by two more, stomping on one and slamming the baton down on the other.
ooh these bugs don't seem to be that bad, judging from the swiftness he kills them in!
Enjoy your return to the surface, and thank you for choosing Vault-Tec.
okay wow I love the sentence you chose to end this on - this must be such a familiar thing for him to hear, but this time it has a much different meaning. the narrator has now realized that these vaults aren't what they seem to be >.> in addition, just machines and robots are chilling in general. so you ending it on this note just gives such an eerie vibe, and the "returning to the surface" bit is 0.0 oof
I feel so bad for Jacob, I hope he doesn't feel any survivor's guilt </3 I'm guessing that finding his child is going to be the main motivating factor to his struggles and conflict
<333
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