z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Tale of Souls - Chapter Two

by Riverlight, Stringbean


Chapter Two

Harnon was a tall Hybrid, for his father had followed the tradition

of his kin and married an Elf-maiden to ensure long life and conti-

nuity of the bloodline. Grey-eyed, he was, and fair-skinned, and

his nose was straight. His hair, like dark and glimmering honey,

was long, and his ears rounded at the elegant tips. Ashen and

long was his spear shaft, with silver steel as its tip. His helm

was wrought of iron and shaped like the head of a dragon. On

his chest, a silver locket lay, and its inscription was written

in the Old Elvish; only a few have dared to read it, for it told

of the future and the fall of their people. Proudly, he stood, for

loyal he was to his kin. Harnon Long-spear was not one to be

trifled with, for he was stronger than many of the Mortal Men,

and it was said that he possessed some kind of Magic. What this

Magic was, only a few knew, for it was mighty and kept quiet for

many years, even in his earliest years.

So wrote Astoria, thinking about the future-- what was, and what was to come. She brushed a blood-red hair out of her face, moving to sit more comfortably on her little wooden stool. "Did the crazy old troll tell you when these messengers were coming?" she asked.

"No," Harnon replied with a sigh.

Astoria nodded before looking back down to the loose leaves she had been writing in. At the top left corner, words had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere:

C. & E. Edwards, Thirteenth October Nineteen Hundred Ninety-Two

She shook her head, though the words remained. Had she written them? No... Besides, it meant nothing to her. Less than a thousand years had passed since the Creation. Maybe she had written them without realizing it, thinking about the distant future that might never come.

Trotting horse hooves broke into her thoughts moved through the high grass between the nearby trees. A pair of riders, dressed in the loose and simple garments of the plains peasants from the south rode toward them, pace slow and steady, but eyes scanning the camp in a guarded manner. A middle-aged, blonde, human man, and a dark elf in his early years at his left. The former pulled ahead as they neared Harnon and Astoria, his sober gaze fixing on them.

The crazy old Elf was right, Harnon thought. Harnon stood, nodding to the man and the Elf.

"Welcome, and well met," he said in their language.

The man and the elf both nodded in return, and the man spoke. "Hail, lord and lady of the North. We've come seeking Harnon, lord of these lands." The man's pale blue eyes shifted to the cloth-covered tent behind them. "This is his tent?"

"Yes, it is," the tall man replied. "I am the one you seek: Harnon Long-spear, Chieftain of the North."

"Oh, enough with the theatrics," Astoria said quietly. "They delay needed words."

"Much needed, ma'am," the man said with a respectful dip of his head in her direction. He dismounted and the younger he-elf with him gracefully did the same. "We bring a message from Arborine, Chief of the Chiefs of our tribes."

Harnon nodded, taking a pen into his hand. "Astoria, would you mind taking notes as well?"

The Hybrid nodded, putting her journal away and pulling another out of a small box. "I'm ready," she said, already writing.

The blue-eyed man watched her, then gave a small nod.

"To Harnon Dragonslayer, Chieftain of the lands north of the pass," he began to recite.

"I, Arborine of the Wood, who is chief of the [name] Clan,

have the respect of the chiefs of the Misericord plains.

Together we have spoken, and so I send my messengers to you with this:"

He paused, hands behind his back, and the young elf at his left began, hardly breaking rhythm.

"Though the homes on our plains are not many

and are spread wide between the rivers

the land we all share in common.

For generations have we shared the land.

But the homes on our plains are not many

and are spread wide between the rivers

so that few are in one place,

and for generations have we been slaughtered."

"Raiders and war men from the east come,

once by years, now by seasons,

and even banded together in one place

the cost would be too high to stop them.

This spring and summer, four hundred have died."

"Your numbers in the north are great

and armies spread between your rivers.

Our land produces well;

for your aid, we could pay you from our harvests.

We will have our land at last as our own

and no more shall kings from beyond the plains

toy with us as pawns in their disputes."

The blue-eyed man finished with a slow bow,

"Take with thought my message Great Chieftain.

Consider our plea with heart and honor.

We pray you not turn away."

As he finished and slowly straightened, the messenger's gaze watched Harnon's closely.

Astoria scribbled away as they spoke, copying the man and the Elf word for word. Harnon, meanwhile, took simplified notes. After a moment or two, Harnon said, "We help those that cannot help themselves. Our aid is free."

The first messenger's expression betrayed his surprise. Beside him, the dark-haired elf's eyebrows raised and his eyes flicked over to his pedagogue. He watched his teacher pause a moment and blink, then reply calmly, as if speaking still for his chief and not from himself, "You would do us a dishonor, Chieftain, to refuse our fair payment."

"Our Chieftain is much too humble to know how to accept anything," Astoria said. "Rather than do this for us, it would be wiser to give it to the cities of the West. I will have my friends load their ships with your goods and trade them in Owl Tree and the other great towns."

The messenger considered his next response. "The trade would be good for us," he agreed quietly with a small dip of his head. "If you won't accept our harvests, then the only thing we have to offer is our allegiance." He met Harnon's eye and added before Harnon could reply, "Though it isn't much to give, we do not give it easily, Chieftain... Our freedom and lives are precious to us."

Astoria stopped writing and poked Harnon with her quill, glaring at the mighty Chieftain. Harnon ignored her. "'Tis a mighty thing you have offered me, small or not. And yet, I still could not accept it. Rather, lend me one or two of your great Dwarf smiths if but for a week, and I will consider the debt paid in full. With what I have in mind, my line will forever owe the folk of Misericord."

A long pause followed. The young elf shifted and looked to his teacher. Finally, the man bowed once more. "I will tell my chief what you have said."

Harnon dipped his head thoughtfully. "In three days time, have your Chiefs gather at Misty Pass. From there, we shall together climb into the mountains, and feast with the good dwarves that dwell there. In addition to my captains, I shall bring the great Elf King, Falembaifar, and Sinestra the warrior and sorceress of Owl Tree. Together, we shall prepare for war."

"In three days, our chiefs will gather at Misty Pass," he repeated, "and climb into the mountains with you to feast with the dwarves, and with Falembaifar the Elven king, and the warrior and sorceress, Sinestra of Owl Tree. In three days time, they shall climb into the mountains with you and prepare for war."

Wow, Astoria thought. They sure do like repeating things...

"We will see you then," Harnon replied.

The messenger touched the front of his shoulder and bowed. "Thank you, Chief Harnon. Be well."

Outside again, the messengers mounted their horses and turned their heads back to the woods. As their hooves plodded over the forest floor, the elf looked back towards the camp falling slowly out of view behind the thicket. His dark-eyed gaze found the side of his tutor's face and lingered a moment without expression.Then once more he looked ahead again and towards home, their message repeating in his head. In three days time they will gather at the mountains...


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Fri Mar 26, 2021 7:23 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



HEY. <3

The poem in the beginning is super neat! So Astoria is a writer, huh? c: it's a sneaky and subtle way to introduce some information to the reader! ^_^

She brushed a blood-red hair out of her face


Okay this may just be a me thing, but I would personally say "She brushed blood-red hair" or "She brushed a strand of blood-red hair" because otherwise, it sounds like "She brushed a hair" to me xD

"No," Harnon replied with a sigh.


I think it would help to get a visual on where Harnon is because it just sorta seems like he's replying out of nowhere. For example, maybe he's sitting down with her or he's standing by her or something c:

She shook her head, though the words remained. Had she written them? No... Besides, it meant nothing to her. Less than a thousand years had passed since the Creation. Maybe she had written them without realizing it, thinking about the distant future that might never come.


AHHHH MAGIC???

If I was here, I would probably have a bigger reaction; she was pretty calm about it! xD

Trotting horse hooves broke into her thoughts moved through the high grass between the nearby trees.


I feel like you're missing a word here? Maybe "and" after "thoughts."

A middle-aged, blonde, human man, and a dark elf in his early years at his left.


I believe this is a sentence fragment :p

The crazy old Elf was right, Harnon thought. Harnon stood,


Just a suggestion! I would replace the second Harnon with "he" or something to avoid that immediate repetition

"Oh, enough with the theatrics," Astoria said quietly. "They delay needed words."


OMG HAHA XD

"I, Arborine of the Wood, who is chief of the [name] Clan,


Ooh, are you still thinking of a name for the clan? c:

Also, I find it super interesting how the message is styled like a poem instead of a regular letter!

Astoria scribbled away as they spoke, copying the man and the Elf word for word. Harnon, meanwhile, took simplified notes.


Two types of students right there cx

In three days time, they shall climb into the mountains with you and prepare for war."


AHHH NOOOO it's war time :( I mean, we all knew it was coming, but oof

Wow, Astoria thought. They sure do like repeating things...


Omg yes xD

The messenger touched the front of his shoulder and bowed. "Thank you, Chief Harnon. Be well."

Outside again, the messengers mounted their horses


I noticed a tiny bit of close repetition of "messengers," which I think stands out because it's a word you use a lot, but it's really not that big of a deal! xD I just thought I'd point it out in case you were looking to avoid close repetition

In three days time they will gather at the mountains...


Very mysterious and exciting ending! I'm sure that things are going to go quite wonderfully at the mountain :)

Only in the second chapter and we are already at war xD rip to Harnon thinking that he wouldn't take his people to war >.<

I hope we get to learn more about this war soon! I find that I'm not that worried or invested in the war since it's not really clear who we are fighting and why are we fighting them. I'm curious if it's something smaller, like land, or maybe generational conflict, or maybe it's rivalry in general, OR MAYBE they just had a huge argument that's relatively new about something random 0.0 Whatever it is, I hope it gets mentioned soon so I can get more invested in the war! c:

good luck in all of your writings!! <3




Riverlight says...


Ty for the review <33



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 8:56 pm
MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey! Andrew here to review your piece! Overall it's interesting, and the world seems well built, but I'm not entirely sure what's going on, and I have to agree with Grainne, there doesn't seem to be any plot yet. I can't even entirely tell who the main character is. If we could get at least a hint of what the story it that would be nice. This chapter is like the last one, in that it was kina just a couple of heads talking with very little context. I would love some description!
But into specifics!
In the first paragraph, why is she writing a description of someone she knows well? Seems like obvious exposition.

Trotting horse hooves broke into her thoughts moved through the high grass between the nearby trees.

This sentence is hard to follow and seems to be missing words, did you mean, "Trotting horse hooves broke into her thoughts as they moved through the high between neabry trees"?
Harnon nodded, taking a pen into his hand.

Taking makes it sound like it's handed to him, if it is, let us know that.
The blue-eyed man watched her, then gave a small nod.

"To Harnon Dragonslayer, Chieftain of the lands north of the pass," he began to recite.

This doesn't need to be two paragraphs

The entire message is formatted weirdly, if that is because its supposed to feel like writing, maybe try to explain that, like "Astoria wrote as they spoke, and this is what she wrote:"
But that still feels kinda weird.
After a moment or two, Harnon said, "We help those that cannot help themselves. Our aid is free."

Saying a moment or two makes it sound like the narrator is unsure, and up until now the narrator has been a passive third person godlike figure, and normally they now the story exactly. I would just say after a moment.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!

Astoria stopped writing and poked Harnon with her quill, glaring at the mighty Chieftain. Harnon ignored her. "'Tis a mighty thing you have offered me, small or not. And yet, I still could not accept it. Rather, lend me one or two of your great Dwarf smiths if but for a week, and I will consider the debt paid in full. With what I have in mind, my line will forever owe the folk of Misericord."

I smell plot (:
Overall, this was well written, and I'm excited to see where it goes!
Thanks, and keep writing.
-Andrew




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Wed Aug 19, 2020 5:10 pm
grainne wrote a review...



Hi,
This is an interesting piece! I am catching glimpses of a fascinating world, and I think this story has a lot of potential. I have just a few comments and suggestions that might make this piece more readable.

First, in the beginning and middle of this piece you have long sections of writing that seems almost like a poem or prophecy, but it's not quite clear to me as a reader exactly what this is or why I should care. Even after reading the prologue, I'd like a little more context early on about what this writing is and why it matters in this chapter. Are these pieces supposed to be formatted like poetry, or are they supposed to be paragraphs of the story?

Second, the sections don't seem to have a rhyme scheme and have line breaks in the middle of sentences. Either making these sections more like traditional verse in structure, or changing the line breaks to a more natural spot might be helpful. Right now, the pieces sort of jolt me out of the story, and making them a little easier to read could help the story flow more smoothly.

Finally, there's some interesting things going on in this chapter, but I've yet to see what the central plot or struggle is. As a reader, I want to know right away why I should keep reading. What's the main character's struggle? Right now, Astoria seems to be just watching everything that's going on. I'd love to see her thrown into some sort of struggle early on, whether it be internal or external. Harnon is preparing for war, but we don't hear any of his emotions surrounding this. Seeing a little more depth in these characters will keep me reading and interested in these early chapters.

Hopefully you found something helpful among my comments! This is an interesting premise. Keep writing, and I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapters.




Riverlight says...


The part at the beginning was meant to look like it had been written in a notebook, and thus I tried to line it all up as best I could. @Stringbean wrote the messages, so she'd have to explain that herself.

The plots Stringbean and I work on tend to start a bit slow at first, but tend to pick up quickly. A good example would be a work I'm doing alone called "America Rising, Book One: America Gone," which was criticized in the first few chapters for being a bit slow. Since then, it's actually picked up a bit and might actually be moving too fast.




Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley