z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Sorcerer's Secret, Chapter 4

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

September 30, 2020

Memphis, Tennessee

"Coryn, I don't know how the hell you saved this bird," Austin repeated for the millionth time, "but this is the most succulent, tastiest turkey I have ever had. You must tell me your secrets or I will personally send you back to Florida."

"Magic," the Belecthorian replied without giving it a second thought. He paused nervously and bit his lip, hoping that the Nightshades would just laugh it off. I need to be careful, he reminded himself.

"Fine, keep your secrets!" Austin chortled. "It's delicious nonetheless!"

Coryn relaxed. He took it as a joke, thank God. You were lucky this time...

"It looks like you're going to be drowned in praise," Luna chirped, smiling as she passed a plate to the end of the table. "It's not often he glorifies anyone else's cooking-- even my own, let alone this much." Sh glanced at her daughter. Emma was poking her pie with a fork, nibbling at bits of crust. "Not hungry?

"No," she admitted. "I guess I'm just worried about the virus thing that's going on... The radio said cases have been found all across New England, and--"

"Emma," Alistair grunted, "no politics at the table. That's the rule."

Pfft, Coryn laughed. My mother's a senator. No politics at the table either means someone important died or she's gone to bed without dinner.

"Coryn?" McHale's voice shook the Belecthorian from his thoughts.

"Yes, sir?" Coryn replied.

"Do you know how to cook bear?" the old man required.

Uhhhh... "No, sir... Why...? Do you have some that needs to be cooked?"

"No, no..." McHale smiled, preparing to tell a joke. "So long as we praise the Lord and pass the ammunition and Alistair holds his tongue every now and again, I can guarantee that--"

Coryn's eyes flared with rage. ""Are you insinuating that it is morally upright to jokingly say that you may kill your son-in-aw due to your disdain for him or because he, in your eyes, acts like an animal?" he snapped, slamming his hand on the table.

Breathe, a voice in the back of his mind whispered.

No, he shouted back. Less than 10 million people were left alive after Jaques, Hastam, and Calcitrop were done with us all. They killed billions in less than 80 years. If this son of a gun thinks he can just joke about murdering another person because "it's funny," someone's going to have to put him in his place.

The old man leaned forward in his chair, meeting Coryn's eyes, and his graying whiskers stuck out angrily. "I am," McHale grunted. "Got an issue with it?"

Coryn's eyes started to water as the stories flooded back to him-- there had been the Shanoa Massacre when a rebellion had tried to kill King Michael and instead slaughtered innocents, the day the bombs came to Meretica and killed Coryn's dad, the day that the Misericords had been slaughtered because they begged for peace-- so many stories, so many deaths, so much pain and suffering...

"Considering that my people have previously been slaughtered because they were considered subhuman, I find it disdainful and inappropriate for anyone to make such a joke," the Belecthorian spat.

McHale sighed and sat up straight again, hesitating before he spoke. "I apologize for offending you," the old man said submissively. ""That was not my intention. You are a guest in our home; I promise you that I will not say such things again."

You better not, or I'll turn you into a frog was what Coryn wanted to say. Instead, he answered the old man's apology by saying, "Thank you. Your apology is accepted." He glanced at Luna and added, "May I be excused, Mrs. Nightshade?"

The woman seemed to be dazed. It took her a moment to say, "Yes, you, um... you may."

Coryn stood, pushed his chair in, and then took his plate to the sink while the others ate in silence. Quickly, he washed it and then set it in the strainer to dry before heading upstairs. Once he had reached the top step, he heard them talking again.

"What the hell just happened?" McHale asked, fear and awe merging in his voice.

"That," Emma said, "is called being one-upped by the next generation." Coryn could just imagine the smirk on her face...

-----

There was a soft knock on the door to the guest bedroom. Coryn sighed and crawled off his bed, bending a page in a book he'd found called Lord of the Rings. Praying it wasn't McHale, he made his way across the fluffy carpet and turned the brass doorknob.

"Hi." Emma stood there, a soft, friendly smile etched upon her face. Her green eyes shone like emeralds. Her hair was damp, and she smelled like strawberries-- Coryn guessed she must've just come from the shower. She wore a blue plaid shirt and a matching pair of pants.

"Hi," Coryn said uneasily. "Do you... want to come in?"

"Please," she said. He stepped aside and let her come in through the door, shutting it a moment later. Emma took a deep breath, moving a few matted strands of hair out of her face. "It was... really brave of you. What you did at dinner. No one... no one ever stands up to him."

"Does this mean you aren't..." He struggled for a moment to remember what word she'd used on the porch. "Wary of me anymore?"

"You heard that?" Emma frowned and cursed. "I'm sorry, Coryn, I'm really sorry. I just-- I'm not the best with new people. Which... well, that's really not an excuse... I shouldn't have talked behind your back." She stepped closer to him and kissed his cheek.

His face reddening, Coryn coughed, "I, um... I accept your apology, too." Did she just-- she did. But--why? What?

"I'll see you in the morning," she promised. Then, pointing at his book, she added, "We can talk about where you got to in that at breakfast."


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BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



This so far is a superb and engaging story. The flow is perfect, and it moves your story along at just the right pace. The one thing I would criticize you on is the typo's in your text. Son-in-aw is supposed to be son-in-law, correct me if I'm wrong. Also, in the part where you said she glanced at her daughter, there's a typo there. Other than that I think this is a wonderful chapter, and I cannot wait for chapter 5.




Riverlight says...


Thanks!!



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Fri Mar 05, 2021 7:13 am
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AceassinOfTheMoon wrote a review...



HI THERE I'M HERE TO REVIEW

"Coryn, I don't know how the hell you saved this bird," Austin repeated for the millionth time, "but this is the most succulent, tastiest turkey I have ever had. You must tell me your secrets or I will personally send you back to Florida."

hhlkdsjf not to be nitpicky but like. He just sliced up the turkey. The burnt turkey, might I add. That's all he did, as far as we know. Idk it just feels odd to me that that's all he did?? And then everyone's complimenting him on the turkey??? For making it amazing??? Idk.

"Magic," the Belecthorian replied without giving it a second thought. He paused nervously and bit his lip, hoping that the Nightshades would just laugh it off. I need to be careful, he reminded himself.

CORYN I TOLD YOU
I KNOW HOW THESE THINGS GO AND THEY NEVER END WELL

Coryn relaxed. He took it as a joke, thank God. You were lucky this time...

I mean ngl "magic" is a common answer when people don't wanna say exactly how they did something, you're mostly safe on that count

"Emma," Alistair grunted, "no politics at the table. That's the rule."

Good rule. Very good rule. I propose that we implement it everywhere because some of us get really bad anxiety over politics and stuff like that and DANG IT WE NEED A SAFE SPACE TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THAT *cough* anyway moving on

Pfft, Coryn laughed. My mother's a senator. No politics at the table either means someone important died or she's gone to bed without dinner.

Hngng more nitpickiness here
The italics indicate that Coryn is thinking this, but the "Coryn laughed" makes it feel like he was thinking that while laughing out loud? Idk if you want to change it or if you think the italics are enough but that's something that made me pause.

"Coryn?" McHale's voice shook the Belecthorian from his thoughts.

This is personal preference and feel free to completely ignore it but this line makes me cringe directly into the ninth circle of hell any time I read it in any work ever
He thought an entire two sentences. He wasn't that lost in his thoughts, not enough that'd he'd be startled when someone spoke to him. Do you get "shaken from your thoughts" every time you think a thought during a conversation? I'm going to assume no, so why would your characters do this?
Again, this is completely a personal opinion thing and take it with a grain of salt, but yea.

"No, no..." McHale smiled, preparing to tell a joke. "So long as we praise the Lord and pass the ammunition and Alistair holds his tongue every now and again, I can guarantee that--"

Coryn's eyes flared with rage. ""Are you insinuating that it is morally upright to jokingly say that you may kill your son-in-aw due to your disdain for him or because he, in your eyes, acts like an animal?" he snapped, slamming his hand on the table.

ohmygod poor BABY he's so upset over this and honestly he has every right to be
can I give him a hug

Coryn's eyes started to water as the stories flooded back to him-- there had been the Shanoa Massacre when a rebellion had tried to kill King Michael and instead slaughtered innocents, the day the bombs came to Meretica and killed Coryn's dad, the day that the Misericords had been slaughtered because they begged for peace-- so many stories, so many deaths, so much pain and suffering...

angry tears angry tears ANGRY TEARS
I am weak for this trope it makes me want to cry every time I love ;-;
also, again, can I give Coryn a hug

McHale sighed and sat up straight again, hesitating before he spoke. "I apologize for offending you," the old man said submissively. ""That was not my intention. You are a guest in our home; I promise you that I will not say such things again."

You better not, or I'll turn you into a frog was what Coryn wanted to say. Instead, he answered the old man's apology by saying, "Thank you. Your apology is accepted." He glanced at Luna and added, "May I be excused, Mrs. Nightshade?"

hhhhhhhhhhhhglkdfjsldk ANGST I am WEAK
Also Coryn do not turn him into a frog, that'd give you away and mess everything up and Sinestra would resurrect herself just to yell at you for messing everything up

Coryn sighed and crawled off his bed, bending a page in a book he'd found called Lord of the Rings.

CORYN. DID YOU JUST DOG-EAR A BOOK. I rescind the hugs I offered him earlier, the kind of MONSTER who dog-ears books deserves nothing but death jk Coryn deserves all the hugs even if he does dog-ear books

"Hi." Emma stood there, a soft, friendly smile etched upon her face. Her green eyes shone like emeralds. Her hair was damp, and she smelled like strawberries-- Coryn guessed she must've just come from the shower. She wore a blue plaid shirt and a matching pair of pants.

I love the description of Emma and also she has absolutely no fashion sense

She stepped closer to him and kissed his cheek.

HLDFSLKFJD???? WHERE DID THIS COME FROM???? I DON'T KNOW BUT I SHIP IT HONESTLY

!!!!!!!! This is so good!!! Write more!!!! Post more!!! I can't wait!!!!!!




Riverlight says...


I dog ear books ;-;

I will!!! Write!!! More!!! XD <333



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starlitmind wrote a review...



You are making my days awesome with churning out these chapters, I really appreciate you :')

"Magic," the Belecthorian replied without giving it a second thought. He paused nervously and bit his lip, hoping that the Nightshades would just laugh it off. I need to be careful, he reminded himself.


Ooh, and this bit of hesitation is what Emma caught! Your connecting the two chapters really well, there's great continuity and everything matches!

Sh glanced at her daughter. Emma was poking her pie with a fork, nibbling at bits of crust. "Not hungry?

"No," she admitted. "I guess I'm just worried about the virus thing that's going on... The radio said cases have been found all across New England, and--"


( oops I believe you meant "she" c: ) Okay so I was curious to see if Coryn noticed Emma's constant staring at him / catching him slipping up, and he didn't. So I guess Emma is pretty subtle about it and she keeps things well hidden! ^_^

Pfft, Coryn laughed. My mother's a senator. No politics at the table either means someone important died or she's gone to bed without dinner.


I love these comparisons between his family / home, and where he is right now - not only does it show how different the two worlds are, but it just also provides some background information. I think you're doing a nice job with setting exposition and background information for this novel! c:

Coryn's eyes flared with rage. ""Are you insinuating that it is morally upright to jokingly say that you may kill your son-in-aw due to your disdain for him or because he, in your eyes, acts like an animal?" he snapped, slamming his hand on the table.


So something I noticed is that in the America novel, he didn't really seem as angry (obviously from the outside, since we didn't know his inner thoughts then), but here, he is slamming the table. I think it would be helpful to include that detail in the America chapter or at least mention if he's showing a bit of anger on the outside - otherwise, to me, he seemed relatively calm in the other chapter. Just a thought! ^^

No, he shouted back. Less than 10 million people were left alive after Jaques, Hastam, and Calcitrop were done with us all. They killed billions in less than 80 years. If this son of a gun thinks he can just joke about murdering another person because "it's funny," someone's going to have to put him in his place.


Aww </3 poor Coryn. you can really tell how much willpower he has, as well as strength and determination. It's also nice to see exactly why he was pretty upset about the joke

The old man leaned forward in his chair, meeting Coryn's eyes, and his graying whiskers stuck out angrily. "I am," McHale grunted. "Got an issue with it?"


I wonder if Coryn noticed other people's shocked faces at him interrupting McHale? since it was never really done before c:

You better not, or I'll turn you into a frog was what Coryn wanted to say.


McHale as a frog - never thought that was something I needed to see xD

"Hi." Emma stood there, a soft, friendly smile etched upon her face.


Ooh I'm wondering if she came here to be friendly or to find out more information xD

She stepped closer to him and kissed his cheek.

His face reddening, Coryn coughed, "I, um... I accept your apology, too." Did she just-- she did. But--why? What?


WHAT, YEAH WHAT, CORYN AND I ARE SHARING THE SAME REACTION

LOL OKAY so Emma clearly had a change of heart about Coryn xD I kind of feel bad though, knowing that they are probably going to part ways soon, so it probably is best for her not to fall for him 0.0

Oh, and so it looks like he did notice Emma's concern about him! So that does make me wonder whether he also noticed her studying him at the dinner table

I really don't have much to say! ^_^ I am loving how you are very easily incorporating background information into the main action of the novel. I also like how these chapters are a bit laidback and more relaxing; I'm sure this is going to be the calm before the storm aha xD

I think maybe? something you could add? is more fo Coryn's reactions to this new world. He doesn't really seem that surprised at things that aren't normal for him in his world (perhaps such as transportation). And I'm wondering, does he miss his family or anything? At night, does he ponder more about Sinestra's riddle thing? Is he scared? Maybe even lonely? Does he fear the future, or the fact that he may not survive this mission? Just some thoughts you may want to consider or something! ^_^

And that's really it! Can't wait for the next part, and good luck in your future writings <333




Riverlight says...


You are making my days awesome with churning out these chapters, I really appreciate you :')

aww you're gonna make me cry, I appreciate you too <3333

Next chapter will answer several of those c:

Also, because of what's going to be happening in the next few America and TSS chapters, we're going to be seeing a lot more of Emma and Austin both, so I think that'll be good c:

Also also (XD) there'll be a mini-novella coming out soon about Austin to kinda bring him back and, as well as Kira (from Ch. 1? I think?) and build on that c:

these chapters are a bit laidback and more relaxing

Me: O.o But McHale-- XD

Thank you so much!!!!




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro