z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Song of Souls, Part the First

by Riverlight


Reading by Myself:

The Song of Souls, Pt. 1

The world was dark, the mountains cold,

the hills were barren, the rivers lolled.

No trees yet grew in yonder fen

and in the world world there were no Men.

A god reached down, his tender hands

molding earth and creating lands.

He filled them with Elves, the Men,

then the Dwarves, Fae, and mighty Din*

The god let them be for many a year,

the world full of birds and capering deer.

The races numbered forty and nine,

and they shared cities of Elven design.

The Firstborn ruled the races for seasons,

and none rebelled for there was no reason.

The peace was kept, the lines endured,

deep mines and new cities were then secured.

The world was prosperous in those ancient days,

but mortals have lost their ancient ways,

for in time doom came to the Firstborn three.

Their cities and mines turned to debris.

Magic died over the centuries since,

and therefore I must convince

you, my children, to take up the task--

for now, that is all I ask.

To Be Continued

*Din (rhymes with Men and Fen) is the Elven word for Wolves.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
672 Reviews

Points: 81482
Reviews: 672

Donate
Wed Feb 24, 2021 2:31 pm
View Likes
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there!! Plume here, with a review!

Oooh, I really like this piece! It's got some great high fantasy promise to it, and it reminds me of something that would be told around a campfire or something. It's super interesting, and I'm excited to see what you do with it!

One thing I think I really enjoyed was this method of storytelling and exposition. I think that normally, in terms of novels, exposition is a delicate art. You don't want to dump all the information on your reader at the beginning because they'll probably get lost. You want to slowly weave it in. But when you put all that info in rhyming verse? It gets a whole lot more interesting. I felt like I was being heralded with a beautiful story rather than having information shoved down my throat. It's such an innovative way to storytell, and it sets both the tone and premise of your work. It's genius, if you don't mind me saying.

Specifcs

No trees yet grew in yonder fen


This line is probably my favorite in the entire piece. The flow, the use of the words "yonder" and "fen...." It's great. 10/10.

and in the world world there were no Men.


I'm assuming this is a typo, but if it's not, I wondered why you put two "world"s right next to each other. It impedes the flow and just seems unecessary to me.

Magic died over the centuries since,

and therefore I must convince

you, my children, to take up the task--

for now, that is all I ask.


Since this is that last part, it should honestly be the strongest part of it. I wasn't getting that vibe the way this is worded now. I think you need it to flow better so you can give the reader a really strong finish. The syllables really only work if you stress them in a pattern that doesn't sound natural. I know writing rhymes can be super hard sometimes, and the only reason I'm suggesting this is because it's the last part, and if your ending is good, people are usually willing to forgive any errors you made in between.

Overall: really nice job! I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this piece and the premise it provides! Keep writing!




Riverlight says...


Thanks, Plume! c:

Aw, thank you c: I'll be sure to tag you in Part 2!



User avatar
26 Reviews

Points: 29
Reviews: 26

Donate
Sun Feb 21, 2021 4:28 am
View Likes
nightshadows wrote a review...



WOW SOOO MAGICALLLLLL!!!!! I loved it so much!!! You must continue your poem for it is your great duty! lol :D But here is a little review:

I loved your plot outline so much there was like....nothing to criticize. Like dude I am so tempted to email this to my english teacher and see what she thinks. But lets me think first xd.
So If you continue this story in a continuous poem it would turn into an epic....which would be...mmm whats the word...oh yes...epic lol.
but please I beg of you go into more detail about the first born three! Please keep writing and I am so excited to read the rest!!! :D





“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell