z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Middle Years - Chapter Two

by Riverlight


The Centaur was tall and broad-shouldered, a belted sword hanging over his back. He wore leather shoulder pads, and around his waist he wore a belt holding several small pouches. The Centaur stood near a large silver helmet that gleamed in the light of the room. He had short salt-and-pepper hair, and his ears stuck out. His dusty hooves clopped against the stone as he moved towards the newcomers.

"Sinestra," he said kindly.

"Reedstrom," Sinestra replied stiffly.

"Hungry?"

"It was almost teatime when your messenger found us."

"There is food in the other room," the Centaur said, "even for your little WereCat."

Christine barred her teeth at the Centaur as she followed Sinestra into the other room. There was a large crowd of people inside-- a score in all. Some Sinestra knew already, like Druidian Rephers, a Dwarf that had lived among Elves and also fought in the War.

"Arodier Gilmore, Madam Sinestra," one of the Elf-Human Hybrids said, standing as the others fell silent. "It is a great honor--"

"Enough with the niceties," Sinestra interrupted. "We can talk as we eat."

Some let up a kind laugh as the woman took a seat beside an older man and an Elf.

"Brom Trickling," the man said quietly through a mouthful of stew. "You may not remember me, but I was Lord Daethdr's squire at the Battle of Hamfest."

"You've grown," Sinestra replied. "Instead of being a skinny, knobby thing, you've got some meat on you. Time's treated you well these past sixty years, even if you haven't learned some manners."

"It's treated you better," he replied with a humored smile. "Now, would you prefer chamomile or lemon tea?"

"A little red wine for me, I think... and milk for the WereCat."

As they ate, the others introduced themselves or reminded Sinestra who they were. Glamus was a giant Elf, standing taller than many of the others, and he had shining golden hair. A ginger-coated Minotaur with green eyes introduced herself as Redstream, and with her was a Satyr named Evandar.

Two sets of warrior twins had come-- Arnold and Alomodia Ridge, red-haired Elves from the distant West, and the Goshawks, dark-haired humans that had famously slain a dragon during a siege in the south. Vrail Waltz, another Human-Elf Hybrid, had also come from the south with a small company-- Belegorn the Halfling, Deborah Wilkins the Fairy(“Dee-BORE-uh,” she insisted), Edmundus Shrekling the WereCat, and Frealaf, an Elven wizard. Anurin the Dwarf was from a country to the far north.

Mallory Shilki, another Fairy, was one of the last to be introduced. Alongside her were Dellanir Varden, a Dryad-Elf Hybrid that had fought alongside Sinestra early on in the war. He had a peg leg and wore an eye-patch over his right eye.

"So," Sinestra began, "amidst all of these introductions, I have heard not one detail as to why we're actually here."

"Well," a voice like silk replied, "that's for me to know and for you to find out."

Sinestra turned to the doorway. "Lord Daethdr," she said with a soft smile. "It's been too long, my friend."

The Light Elf dipped his head. "Too long indeed," he answered with a soft smile. He walked around the table and shook hands with everyone one by one, his braided silver hair firmly laying on his back. His tan skin glimmered in the light, and his blue eyes shined like bright diamonds.

After he had welcomed them all and hugged Sinestra, Daethdr sat at the far end of the table. Glenstorm stood across from him, a large tankard in his hand. "If we might all settle down," the Centaur said, " I do believe the Lord is ready for us."

The Elf nodded a gladly and began to speak. "Not one of us is young," he said. "Indeed, the youngest would be Brom, who was but a ten-year-old when he became my squire. But that also means we are all experienced. We have all defended our homes in Belecthoria. But now it is our duty to prepare for the future."

Daethdr paused to let that sink in. Already, a sense of foreboding danger had overtaken Sinestra, though the longing for an adventure was stronger.

"During the war, we lost many friends and allies," the Lord continued. "I myself lost many among my kin. The Necromancers and their evil creations took many from us, but there are still Necromancers hidden through the land."

"Yes," Glenstorm said. "It seems at least one more is created each day."

"Created?" Brom said, startled. "I thought Necromancers were born, not made?"

"'Tis not so," Sinestra said. "Whenever a creature... or a beast... delves too deeply into the Dark Arts while practicing the Healing Arts... something changes inside of them." She took a moment or two to figure out how to explain it without confusing him. "I had a dear friend once named Adrian. He was a powerful healer, one of the strongest. He believed that he could save lives without losing his mind, and... he was wrong. With time, he paled, grew darker, never being seen by daylight, He never ate nor slept that I knew of. One day..."

Sinestra trailed off organizing her thoughts.

"One day, he successfully raised a Nymph from the dead, He became rugged and worn, and he started calling himself Linus. Before he became too powerful... I killed him. The sun rose at just the right moment, blinding him. His body turned to dust, and what was left of Adrian was no more.

There was a strange silence in the room until Daethdr spoke again.

"Necromancers still roam through the lands," he said. "The sorceress Cassandra is already fighting them in the East. I would like for all of you to come with me to aid her in rooting them out once and for all."

"Cassandra?" Redstream mooed. "Not Cassandra, the witch that took out three giants with her mind?"

"She took down two," Christine hissed. "Sinestra defeated the other."

Sinestra smirked. "Let Cass have her fame and glory, Christine."

The WereCat rolled her eyes and looked at Daethdr again.

"Bring forth the parchment, Reedstrom," the Elf said as he pulled a black quill and an ink bottle from his pocket. "I would be honored if the twenty-two of you would join myself, Alexia, and Reedstrom on this little adventure of ours. There are no terms-- I would merely like a record as to who has agreed to come."

One by one, each person in the room signed their names to the document-- apart from the WereCats, who asked that their paws be used as signatures.

"We leave at dawn," Daethdr said.


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Tue Mar 09, 2021 8:41 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



OKAY SO APPARENTLY I started the first chapter awhile ago, but I just stopped? xD I don't remember the last part honestly, but hopefully reading this will jog my memory! In addition, I sorta skimmed through the precious reviews, so hopefully I'm not being repetitive c:

a belted sword hanging over his back. He wore leather shoulder pads, and around his waist he wore a belt holding several small pouches.


Do belted swords go over your back? I though it was basically a sword attached to a belt around your waist - I could very much be wrong though xD the reason I'm pointing it out is because if the sword is just a regular belt, you don't have to mention he's wearing a belt twice c:

"Arodier Gilmore, Madam Sinestra," one of the Elf-Human Hybrids said, standing as the others fell silent. "It is a great honor--"

"Enough with the niceties," Sinestra interrupted. "We can talk as we eat."


Sinestra xD You're doing a lovely job with characterizing Sinestra - I can see her straightforward, brisk, and maybe even rude personality with the introduction of this chapter

Two sets of warrior twins had come-- Arnold and Alomodia Ridge, red-haired Elves from the distant West, and the Goshawks, dark-haired humans that had famously slain a dragon during a siege in the south.


I love all of these names, especially the "Goshawks" -> that one is super fun and neat cx Also, getting to know all of these people's? accomplishments is super neat. It is a bit overwhelming to get introduced to so many characters and what they did, but if they aren't major players in the story, I don't think it would matter too much

Sinestra turned to the doorway. "Lord Daethdr," she said with a soft smile. "It's been too long, my friend."

The Light Elf dipped his head. "Too long indeed," he answered with a soft smile.


Ooh, I like the bit of glimpse we've gotten into their relationship; I'm thinking they're quite close if the Light Elf can tease Sinestra without her getting mad xD (p.s. I noticed you repeated "soft smile" - I would suggest replacing one of them to have some variety!)

and his blue eyes shined like bright diamonds.


I believe that one something physically shines itself, the past tense is "shone." Shined is used as a verb, like to shine something (make it shiny, not actually shining yourself)

We have all defended our homes in Belecthoria. But now it is our duty to prepare for the future."


Oh dear, what kind of chaos is going to erupt 0.0

He believed that he could save lives without losing his mind, and... he was wrong. With time, he paled, grew darker, never being seen by daylight, He never ate nor slept that I knew of. One day..."


Oh my! I wonder how he tried to save lives, and how that eventually drove him into becoming a necromancer? that does not sound fun, and that must've been quite painful for Sinestra

I killed him. The sun rose at just the right moment, blinding him. His body turned to dust, and what was left of Adrian was no more.


AHH that's the worst, when the characters have to kill someone they love for the sake of the world or whatever </3 that's heartbreaking, I can't imagine how difficult that must've been for Sinestra ( psst, I believe you're missing an end quote c: )

One by one, each person in the room signed their names to the document-- apart from the WereCats, who asked that their paws be used as signatures.


OMG just imagine, I love this line so much ahahah xD

OKAY I had completely forgotten about this, and I'm glad I got back into this!! ^_^ because of the mention of sorcerers and necromancers, I'm getting the hobbit/lord of the ring vibes! c: There is a strong sense of adventure. I think the whole contract thing really established that atmosphere for me. Ooh, and I also found it interesting how all the people in the room agreed to the contract to go on the adventure! I figured some people would back down / have other priorities / or be a little afraid to join, but everyone ended up joining! The room must be filled with some courageous people ~

Sinestra has such a strong personality, and it's quite easily felt. If I had never read anything about her ever, I would feel like I really know her just by reading this. So nice job on that! c:

As always, good luck on your future writings !!! much love <333




Riverlight says...


HEYYY <3333

So, minor announcements~~

Ch. 1 of the Augury is almost complete! Beany is helping me finalize it.

The next TSS chapter is in progress, but it's slow and I'm trying not to spoil too much or ruin the very happy ship that I plan to create c:

America Rising is going to struggle to be written until Emma makes a choice, so that'll be a hot minute XD

Moving on, TY FOR THE REVIEW

Yes, Sinestra is all of those things XD

So, Necromancy is one of the few magics I can explain with Belecthoria XD

When someone tries to bring the dead to life (thus "saving lives"), part of their soul is destroyed. After they finally succeed, they lost most of their soul and tend to become evil. Some are not evil (such as Arceus, who we'll meet later on) but those few are often mind-controlled by evil ones.



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SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey again! I'm here to get this out of the Green Room <3

The Centaur was tall and broad-shouldered, a belted sword hanging over his back. He wore leather shoulder pads, and around his waist he wore a belt holding several small pouches. The Centaur stood near a large silver helmet that gleamed in the light of the room. He had short salt-and-pepper hair, and his ears stuck out. His dusty hooves clopped against the stone as he moved towards the newcomers.


Oooh, this is a really good description of him to open with, since I can see and hear that. I would really like to see more about the "light of the room", since it's a really good place to say what kind of light it was to enhance the setting. Is it dim? Bright and flashy? Warm and flame-like?

"Sinestra," he said kindly.

"Reedstrom," Sinestra replied stiffly.


This shows he's more friendly to her than she is to him. I wonder why.

"Arodier Gilmore, Madam Sinestra," one of the Elf-Human Hybrids said, standing as the others fell silent. "It is a great honor--"

"Enough with the niceties," Sinestra interrupted. "We can talk as we eat."


Or maybe she's just in a poor mood. ;-;

"Brom Trickling," the man said quietly through a mouthful of stew. "You may not remember me, but I was Lord Daethdr's squire at the Battle of Hamfest."


As they ate, the others introduced themselves or reminded Sinestra who they were. Glamus was a giant Elf, standing taller than many of the others, and he had shining golden hair. A ginger-coated Minotaur with green eyes introduced herself as Redstream, and with her was a Satyr named Evandar.

Two sets of warrior twins had come-- Arnold and Alomodia Ridge, red-haired Elves from the distant West, and the Goshawks, dark-haired humans that had famously slain a dragon during a siege in the south. Vrail Waltz, another Human-Elf Hybrid, had also come from the south with a small company-- Belegorn the Halfling, Deborah Wilkins the Fairy(“Dee-BORE-uh,” she insisted), Edmundus Shrekling the WereCat, and Frealaf, an Elven wizard. Anurin the Dwarf was from a country to the far north.

Mallory Shilki, another Fairy, was one of the last to be introduced. Alongside her were Dellanir Varden, a Dryad-Elf Hybrid that had fought alongside Sinestra early on in the war. He had a peg leg and wore an eye-patch over his right eye.


We seem to be getting a lot of introductions and new names here, so I think something that might help is giving each one a few more identifying features or details. We've got some simple physical descriptions here, but it should be possible to go just a little bit deeper without overwhelming us. If you're not sure that's for you, cutting down on the number of introductions would work too-- we don't always need to know every single person in the room. It's okay to have a couple of nameless people in a scene, especially if you won't be using them much another time.

"'Tis not so," Sinestra said. "Whenever a creature... or a beast... delves too deeply into the Dark Arts while practicing the Healing Arts... something changes inside of them." She took a moment or two to figure out how to explain it without confusing him. "I had a dear friend once named Adrian. He was a powerful healer, one of the strongest. He believed that he could save lives without losing his mind, and... he was wrong. With time, he paled, grew darker, never being seen by daylight, He never ate nor slept that I knew of. One day..."

Sinestra trailed off organizing her thoughts.


The story she's telling is good, but I feel like there's too many "..." here. There should probably be a comma after "off", too!

"Cassandra?" Redstream mooed. "Not Cassandra, the witch that took out three giants with her mind?"


I forgot she was a Minotaur, and so I was very shocked with the verb choice at first XD

"We leave at dawn," Daethdr said.


Could you make this ending sentence more dramatic or make it feel more conclusive? It feels just a bit too simple, I'd love it if you could spice it up just a little!

Thanks for the chapter! Keep up the great work <3




Riverlight says...


Danke!



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Zoom wrote a review...



Hello Vil ^_^

Zoom back immediately for another review. (Zooooom)

The Centaur was tall and broad-shouldered, a belted sword hanging over his back. He wore leather shoulder pads, and around his waist he wore a belt holding several small pouches. The Centaur stood near a large silver helmet that gleamed in the light of the room. He had short salt-and-pepper hair, and his ears stuck out. His dusty hooves clopped against the stone as he moved towards the newcomers.


We have repetition again. "The Centaur" and "He wore" - the latter is easy to fix by simply deleting the reference to "around his waist" since where does one where a belt, after all?

Love the use of the word "clopped" here. That was such a brilliant audio cue. I heard your story.

"Sinestra," he said kindly.

"Reedstrom," Sinestra replied stiffly.


Ordinarily I'd cringe at two uses of LY adverbs in a row as a dialogue tag but this was obviously done in a humorous way and it really paid off. I loved it ^_^

"Enough with the niceties," Sinestra interrupted. "We can talk as we eat."


LOL this is me. Great characterisation here, I'm really starting to feel endeared to Sinestra's persona and believe that her story will be one worth following.

"It's treated you better," he replied with a humored smile. "Now, would you prefer chamomile or lemon tea?"

"A little red wine for me, I think... and milk for the WereCat."


XD

and the Goshawks, dark-haired humans that had famously slain a dragon during a siege in the south.


I was close to saying that I'm getting restless with every character being introduced by species & physical description but then you dropped this. Great. These are the kind of details I remember about characters. Love it - more of this.

Sinestra turned to the doorway. "Lord Daethdr," she said with a soft smile. "It's been too long, my friend."

The Light Elf dipped his head. "Too long indeed," he answered with a soft smile


Repetition

shined like bright diamonds.


Shine bright like a diamond! Sorry.

"If we might all settle down," the Centaur said, " I do believe the Lord is ready for us."


I like that you're giving characters distinct dialogue. They don't sound the same at all. If we "might" all settle down. "I do believe". Just little additions like that make all the difference in the world.

Already, a sense of foreboding danger had overtaken Sinestra, though the longing for an adventure was stronger.


Ahh okay good. This is our first real sense of Sinestra's goal. I think you should foreshadow that a touch more in the previous chapter. Give us a sense for her boredom or whatever it is that makes her yearn for adventure.

One by one, each person in the room signed their names to the document-- apart from the WereCats, who asked that their paws be used as signatures.


AWWWWWWWW STOP IT I CAN'T

---

Overall

Again, I'm truly loving this. I love the sense that you're really thinking about what you're including. Nothing at all feels like it's thrown in or by accident. You're handcrafting each detail and it's paying off.

This story is a lot of fun, with distinct characters, humour and cuteness. Hopefully soon we will amp up the tension and stakes - pretty much the only thing missing now.

If there's one suggestion I have it's this: instead of going around the entire table and listing who is present, give a vague clue that there's a lot of diverse people at this meeting and then go more into depth when they actually speak / contribute to the scene. Because I find myself having to journey back up to that character list to connect details with dialogue, which I shouldn't be doing.

Otherwise, really enjoying this! ^_^ Do continue and tag me if you do tags.

-Zoom




Riverlight says...


Ahh, okay, thank you! I felt that big description would be helpful overall, but I'll definitely do more throughout the story!




The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything.
— Voltaire