I hope this review can still be helpful, even if I haven't read the original series <3
"Touch your nose the the Moonstone,"
I believe you have a typo here cx So is the Moonstone an actual stone, or is it a cat/name? That'll probably be cleared up once you edit this real quick ( I wouldn't have pointed out the typo, but I did so it would be more clear what the Moonstone was :p )
Okay yeah, reading on, I think it's an actual rock cx
Shorepelt obeyed the ancient tom, feeling its cold, rough texture against her muzzle.
This sentence makes it feel like you're talking about the "ancient tom" that has a cold rough texture, since that is the last noun you used, not the Moonstone.
I love all of these cat names, so pretty c:
The ancient tom touched his nose to Shorepelt's muzzle. The she-cat unsheathed her claws and ripped at the ground beneath her paws as pain rippled throughout her body.
Ooh omg what is happening :O
Ooh, so I understand that you have a lot of cats needing to be introduced (as there are 9 on the Starsclan) but it is a bit confusing to keep up >.> I'm getting lost which cat is which, which cat has which description, and which one you're talking about when you refer to a specific colour. I was thinking, if you need to introduce all of these cats in this chapter, can you stretch it out a bit? Include a bit more before Shorestar receives the thing from the next cat. Like the moments she's in pain - you can use a simile or some figurative language to describe what kind of pain she is feeling. Well, actually, you do use some figurative language, so maybe don't make the next cat come immediately after another cat has gone? Like you can describe one cat walking away, and during that moment, Shorestar might recall a memory between the two. Otherwise, you usually have another cat coming straight after, and that may be causing the confusion
I think some more descriptions would be lovely in general; what does this arena area look like? What's the weather and time of day? Is this a sacred/solemn/serious ceremony? I think that might be helpful! ^_^
Ooh, and I guess another difficulty is the lack of words to refer to a cat. That must be difficult, to spice it up cx "tom" seems to be the most used one, so maybe if there was any way you could replace some of those with other words for cat? I know that's difficult, so I'm don't want to be too picky >.> I can't even think of others, but I thought I'd point it out just in case you wanted to try ^_^
As the tom touched her muzzle, Shorepelt grimaced as she received her fifth life.
OH that's why there are 9 cats. I was thinking, 9 Supreme Court justices, so nine cats xD why was that my logic omg
this ceremony thing is so cool, I love how she's receiving lives and characteristics, that's awesome 0.0
Cloverpaw padded forward next, all signs of the rat bites that had killed her gone.
oof
The moons ahead would be hard, but they could make it.
Aw, I like this sentence. Creative way to refer to days c:
Around her, all of StarClan started to call out, "Shorestar! Shorestar! Shorestar!" One by one, they disappeared, until only Shorestar, Berryfur, and Riverstar remained.
The cheering to disappearing happened rather quickly , perhaps you could elaborate on it more?
"Waters shall rise and then recede; kin will turn on kin, and the end shall come."
Oh dear 0.0
"It means," the tom replied, "that RiverClan is about to change."
Ooh, what a mysterious and suspenseful sentence to end this on!!! Now I am very curious as to what change is going to come about :O
Ahh, this was so interesting! The whole "giving life by passed away cats" was super duper interesting. I love how each life also portrayed? carried? a specific characteristic / had a meaning behind it. And it was also cool to know that Shorestar had a connection to (most of) the cats at some point in her life. I think that makes the ceremony more personal and more meaningful - to stand before all of these wonderful cats and receive lives c:
OH and also that Moonstone is super neat omg. I love how they "fell asleep" and were transported into this whole other area, and then when it was all over, they awoke once again in their original starting position. That gives this chapter even more mystical vibes, and gives the nine cats some Olympus gods vibes xD that's the best way I can explain it haha
As always, I really enjoyed reading this! It's fun to get to know more about the original novel while not having read it. Hope to read more from you soon, and good luck with your writings!! Much love <333
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