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Tennessee Mountain Water

by Vil


Drip.

 Drip.

   Drip.

  Drip.

 Drip.

Drip.

 Drip.

  Drip.

Dripping water down the rocks,

See as it finds its way to the valley’s edge.

Watch the dripping water

So clear and cool!

Watch the dripping water of the mountains

Clean and cool.

Drip.

 Drip drip.

  Drippity

   Drip.

    Drip drip

   Drip

  Drip drip

 Drip.

     Drip drip.

Dripping water in the mountains old,

Dripping water, cool and clear, refreshing and cold.

Water drip down to me! Hear my faithful cry!

O! water dripping down to me, hear my thirsty sigh!

     Drip.

    Drip.

   Drip.

  Drip.

 Drip.

Drip.

 Drip.

  Drip.

   Drip.

          Drip drip.

Drippity

     Drip.

    Drip drip

   Drip

  Drip drip

 Drip.

  Drip drip.

Water dripping down to me from the mountain old,

Water dripping down to me, crystal clear and cold,

Water dripping down to me, hear my thirsty sigh!

Water dripping down to me…

     Drip, and never dry!

    Drip.

   Drip.

  Drip.

 Drip.

Drip.

 Drip.

  Drip.

   Drip.

    Drip.

     Drip drip.

Drippity

     Drip.

   Drip drip

    Drip

   Drip drip

 Drip.

  Drip drip.


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Points: 351
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Sun Sep 27, 2020 10:50 pm
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Ichthys wrote a review...



Very nice poem. I especially enjoyed the alteration between concrete and AABB rhyming poetry, although the first stanza didn't rhyme. The visual impact is stunning, but I'm sure not many people would actually read every "drip." The narrator could be seen as many different things, from a thirsty traveller to the mountain itself, and the ambiguity enhances the effect of the poem. I'm not sure whether the narration changed from third- to first person or not, but the change isn't very noticable if it did. The poem was altogether quite empathetic, especially with the visual effects and repitition.




Vil says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Sep 27, 2020 10:03 pm
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Buranko wrote a review...



Hello there Vil. Glad to be back and participate in the worlds you create. Here we have quite an interesting one. Besides the words that have a little effect on me as a reader I get the visual impact too.
I get the vibe of a prayer here. A thirsty person hears the rumbling of a nearby water stream but is unable to locate it. That is why, being really desperated, this traveller prays and begs the water to show itself.
I agree with most points alliyah made but not all of them. If you think of this as a prayer there is not that much need for fancy descriptions. In fact the lack of depth contributes and accentuates the thirst of that person.
Also on an emotional level there is this pain evoked in the poem so one cannot say it lacks any emotion. The conflict is that internal battle between despair and the reality that seems to give aid in resolving that thirst but acts only as a dream, not really being there to help but further provoke it.
I am kind of against the way you said "so clear and cool" it feels off for some reason.

Good job, interesting poem.




Vil says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sat Sep 26, 2020 5:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Vil! Here's some thoughts on your poem!

I think this poem would be well-suited as a children's book text! It reminds me of those books that have a repeating chorus of an animal sound or action between different descriptions of what the character is doing. I don't know if you've ever read the book "Click, Clack, Moo" (if not, I highly recommend giving it a read!) but I would put this poem sort of in that genre. The light rhyme used throughout is nice, though sometimes you are rhyming the same words with each other which can feel a bit redundant.

I think that it does belong in the poetry category, but it's kind of in a distinctive take on poetry.

I think in your narrative / descriptive sections, it did sound poetic - but because the poem's chorus was all sound - I think you could have made the longer-line sections a bit more action oriented and maybe heightened the conflict a bit so that the poem is more impactful. For instance, right now the "conflict" seems to be that the speaker is thirsty but can only get water a drip at a time. What if instead of being just thirsty, they were dehydrated, or it was a symbol for something else, or they were in a desert, or there was some urgent reason that they wanted water? Any of that would build a bit more drama / interest.

If instead you want this to be more description-driven rather than narrative-driven, then the descriptions need to be more substantive. Right now a lot of your descriptors are repeated (ie. "refreshing and cold" "clear and cold" / "clear and cool" "clean and cool" / "mountain old" , "mountain old") just not a lot is being said.

You've got concept / theme that has a lot of potential but right now the description level is just very basic, and there's not much that differentiates this poem from one that says "water drips, water is cold, water is cool, this mountain is old". That in itself is a little boring and doesn't really evoke an emotional response. To develop your descriptions I'd recommend working in metaphors, or working on specificity.

I think you could add at least one more section that wasn't the drip drip drip too, just to give the readers a bit more poem to chew on and room to develop just what is happening.

Hopefully that helps! Good luck in continued writing!

~alliyah




Vil says...


Thanks for the review, aaliyah!



alliyah says...


You're welcome!



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Sat Sep 26, 2020 5:01 am
spunkyspacekitty wrote a review...



Hi Vil!

Glows:
This is an interesting poem. Were you possibly doing this from the perspective of the water droplets? This poem makes me feel as if I was a water droplet. Completely clean and pure.

Grows:
Its clear that the repetition was intentional here, but it does make it hard to read. Take away a couple of the "Drip." It'll make it better. Because of this repetition, it made it hard for me to want to keep reading...just something to keep in mind.

Spunkyspacekitty






If you don't want to change it, and if you are going to do something else like this, consider putting it in the art section instead of poetry.



Vil says...


I don't exactly know how I was writing this. When I listen to music, I can suddenly start writing something. In one instance, that^ came out XD

Thanks for your review!



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Sat Sep 26, 2020 12:29 am
meloncalling says...



The imagery is nice, but I don't quite understand it... I suppose this was meant to be something left up to interpretation. The repetition is a bit much for me... Overall, I think it could be better, but it was a nice quick read! Just keep working hard! :)

~Admim




Vil says...


Thnaks for the review




One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah