Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! MORE REVIEWS. MORE.

First Impression: Umm so this was a nice direction to take the chapter in. I can see some conflict maybe coming our way finally. The plot is continuing to progress pretty well. The one things is that there are so many characters in that last meeting that I don't think I will be able to remember. So far only Grandpa McHale and to a smaller extent Ginger is easy to recognize in this chapter. So think about that a bit.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Grandpa McHale couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Emma, you mean to tell me that this fella tried to grab you and now he’s got a broken nose?” he laughed.

Serious, Emma nodded. “I warned him, Grandpa, but that Cajun just didn’t understand that I was thirty years younger than him. He’s lucky he wasn’t caned like that other guy.”

“Forgive me sweetheart,” he said, still smiling. “It’s not funny, but it is. You were only in Beaumont for a day, and not only did you convince Texas to join us, but you broke the nose of their Secretary of Defense.”

Grandpa poured himself and Ginger some whiskey, handing his colleague a rather full glass. “Kentucky’s joinin’ up with us, too, and the Rednecks are talkin’ about it. Because of the work you three did, we’re assemblin’ a proper Congress, and one old man is about to be named President pro tempore.”

Grandpa McHale shook his head. “We’re gonna try for the Coastal States first, and then we’re gonna see what Canada knows. According to the Floridan governor-- she leads the Coastal States-- Michigan and Winsconsin created a new government run by their governors. If we can get those two to join us, then we can push the fascists out of Illinois.”

“When did they push into Illinois?” Ginger asked.

“That’s because it’s been split between Memphis, Martin, and the rest of the state,” Ginger said before returning to Grandpa McHale. “How old is he?”

There was a long pause, and then Emma asked, “Since when are we able to print money?”

“We don’t,” her grandfather answered. “We’ll pay him roughly that much in food, clothing, and ammunition. Consider it a late birthday and Christmas present.”

In addition to Senator Schwartz, Grandpa McHale, and Austin, Senator McCloy, Edwin Hayes of Kentucky, and Juanita Flores and Isaiah Hurt of Texas also joined them. There were a few other interns, but no one else brought any members of their family.

There was an awkward pause. Then, Hayes said, “First and foremost, we are Americans, regardless of our political beliefs. I’ll talk to our two representatives, and we’ll mull it over. But no matter what agreement we come to, Mr. McHale, I think that you need to be our President pro tempore and our leader in the Senate.”

“I want Mrs. McCloy to do it,” Hurt said. “She supports the president. I don’t mean you any disrespect, Mr. McHale, but I don’t think you do.”

The group of Senators and interns looked at McCloy and Flores.

Once the others were reseated, Grandpa McHale looked at the two Kentucky Senators. “Thank you both for your support. Esa-- may I call you Esa?”

“If I can call you William,” she replied.

“Well, then, Esa, Ed, thank you both for your support. I hope that you're ready for two things to happen.”

"Yes, Mr. Senator. We are.”

Hey Vil! I'm finally getting to this xD

Once again, I like what you've got! The story's moving along nicely and I'm seeing more development in the character relationships. So to some specifics that I think you could work on to revise this chapter...

1.
First, it's hard for me to keep new/non-central characters straight, not just in this chapter, but pretty consistently actually through all of them. It's not until after they've become pretty plot relevant and I've seen them a lot and can associate them with specific events or something that they start becoming clear and distinct in my head.

I think if you could work out a way to make the important people stand out better from the start (when they are first introduced), it'd be a lot easier for you reader to follow what's going on, and probably they'd enjoy the story more. One quick and easy way I know of to do this is to try adding small idiosyncrasies to "tag" the characters-- little things they do or say, small habits they have, something unique or unusual about their appearance that the reader can visualize and recognize when the character comes up again and throughout a scene. It's really about imagery and characterization I think.

Also important about this-- less is more. If a character has one good idiosyncrasy to tag them, that's all the reader needs to latch onto and keep that character sorted. Charles Dickens, if you're familiar with his writing style, is a great example of an author using this technique. ...Maybe a kind of extreme example, but at least it's a clear one xD

2.
I think one of your strong suits is dialogue. In this chapter especially, it strikes me as being very natural and believable, having a nice flow while maintaining relevance and interest. It keeps up a nice pace, in the first part especially.

My one issue with the dialogue in the second part is that there are several speakers, many of whom I don't feel familiar with, and so it's hard to keep track of who's who and how what they all say is connected, the interpersonal dynamics I mean. It also inhibits my understanding of the political plot since it's hard to keep track of who, say, Hayes is politically, and so I lack context in the moment to frame his remarks in-- I'd have to go back repeatedly throughout the conversation to that bit where you introduced them all, which is cumbersome and confusing.

Really though, I think this is just another place where tagging the characters like I suggested in the last point would help tremendously, so it's not about the dialogue itself really.

3.
Nice flow from the first scene to the second. It's a short, to-the-point transition, which matches the pacing of the dialogue. The first scene ends nicely. I like that the second picks up with Schwartz being mentioned, which is where the first scene left off-- helps the flow, connectivity.

4.
Alright, my last point really applies to your writing in general as well and regards the lack of setting. Your writing is heavily dialogue based, which is completely fine and has lots of strong points, some of which I've pointed out. However, there's almost no setting description given here, which leaves me kind of ungrounded. I have no idea where these people are at except that they are indoors. Maybe a restaurant in the second scene-- there's the mention of moving to another table.

It doesn't have to be a lot. And actually I think it would read better if it was only as much as is necessary, that way the pacing of your dialogue isn't interrupted too much. So, just basics like what sort of place/room they are in, alone, in public, maybe a touch to help set the mood through the setting... Whatever you think you need really. Again, probably less is more here.

So, setting and character tagging are the main two things I think you could work on here, and throughout your fiction writing really.

Nice job here overall!
(Now I've got points, eeee! I can post so you can get points! XDD)

-Stringbean

Finally getting around to reviewing this xD

I've seen your wall posts and such on how much thinking and planning you've put into this, and it's pretty amazing. The way you've structured your government and your notes on it are so well-detailed and thorough. I feel like you've planned every single aspect down to the tiniest thing, and I really admire that. It's amazing how much planning has gone into this!

“It’s not funny, but it is. You were only in Beaumont for a day, and not only did you convince Texas to join us, but you broke the nose of their Secretary of Defense.”

“He’s the right choice, Ginger,” the Senator replied.

“--I got you an internship at the Capitol Building with the junior Senator from Kentucky.”

Senator Hayes said, thick handlebar mustache covering his upper lip like moss on a tree.

“Well, for one,” the old Tennessean began,

November 18, 2019

Jackson, Capitol County