Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm finally getting around to these. Expect a barrage of review notifications!!

First Impression: Hmm this is an interesting direction to be taking this in. Starting things off on the side of the main antagonist I think. Definitely a lot of mystery as to who's doing what and why here and that's good to see. Poor Loxley never knew what was in store for him.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Loxley looked back at the Mounties that had escorted him to the US/Canada border, the cool air bothering his eyes. His fur coat was doing enough to protect him from the light snow, but it still felt freezing to him.

Loxley mouthed a thank you before turning to face the south. Slowly, he started his way down the icy asphalt, towards Seattle. He looked at the Peace Arch as he passed it, remembering that PM Wollenscroft had required the American and Canadian flags here to be replaced with a green one and a blue one-- hope and sadness.

He pulled his arms a little closer together, gloved hands wrapped around his body. Was this normal in the west, or was the colder temperature an effect of nuclear detonation?

It was then that darkness took him.

“Quiet,” an American woman answered discreetly . “Stay quiet. They’ll hear you.”

"It’s your turn for interrogation,” the man snapped, grabbing Loxley’s arm. As he was being pulled away, Loxley let off a quiet but frightened squeak.

Without saying a word, Loxley obeyed, pouring water into a cup and quickly slurping it down.

The officer sat back. “I’m Oliver Daniels, Commissioner of the First Territory’s Police Force. Are you white or of another race?”

“A st-stutter caused by a brain surgery several years ago, b-b-but it d-doesn’t affect my m-mental stability or anything else.”

Daniels eyed Loxley closely. “Relatives with blonde hair?”

“It d-doesn’t run in th-the family.”

Loxley’s eyes widened, and then the other officer took his arm, pulling Loxley away. The last thing he saw was Daniels saying “Next,” and the woman that had told him to stay quiet being dragged into the room. Had he seen the Star of David tattoo on her neck, he would have known that he would never see her again.

Hey! c:

I've read all your chapters so far and I think this is really coming along! I think I can do a better overall review of them all together right now than each chapter individually.

I think overall, by the time we get to this chapter, the characters are becoming more alive and distinct, and things feel like they are coming together a little bit more. In the first two or three chapters and the prologue, it's a little difficult for me to distinguish Austin, Emma, and-- shoot... Their younger sister whose name I am blanking on but it starts with an A ;-;
So early on, I think some more work on characterization would help improve the story. Grandpa McHail seems the most well developed lol, but I actually think Loxley here is a close second. For some reason I really like him.

For Austin, I guess I'm a little uncertain about his character function. He seemed like the main character at first with the story being primarily in his perspective, but it hasn't been much since then, and he doesn't seem very important to the plot yet, even though we keep coming back to him in mention, like with him being present at the meeting with McHail and Smith. Right now, I'm not sure if this is primarily his story or Grandpa McHail's. Austin seems kind of just along for the ride.

Plot stuff....

I'm curious about this stuff with the fascists in the west. It comes up consistently in I think about every chapter, which helps tie the chapters together and make it something the reader focuses on. I like the mysterious leader too-- it helps keep my interest and make me wonder why this leader is a secret and who it is. That makes this chapter exciting too because it's the first glimpse we get at the inside of this fascist group. And now I'm scared about Luxley ;-;
Right now it feels like the fascist problem/concern is the main antagonistic force of the story.

Some of the other stuff like the mapping and who's in charge of what is a little hard for me to follow (but I always have trouble with that kind of thing without a visual, so it might just be me xD).

This is really neat and you're doing great! I'll be watching for the next chapters c:
-Stringbean

Hey there! I haven't read previous chapters, but I saw this in the Green Room and decided to review
Ooh, this chapter was quite interesting! The first thing I noticed is that your grammar is pretty great xD This was a more enjoyable read because of that. You have a good number of descriptions, and your dialogue feels smooth and flows naturally. You also seem to have a good, solid plot. Overall, this was pretty well written! Since this chapter is short, my review will be short as well and will probably be a bit nitpicky xD

New Characters:

Commissioner Oliver Daniels

US/Canada border

Loxley mouthed a thank you before turning to face the south.

Washington, Oregon, Idaho, and Montana had escaped direct nuclear harm, though some had died from radiation in other states and, according to refugees that had escaped with their lives, some survivors were affected "uniquely" by the radiation.

Was this normal in the west, or was the colder temperature an effect of nuclear detonation?

“Quiet,” an American woman answered discreetly .

“B-b-beaureg-gard L-loxley,” he stammered.

Had he seen the Star of David tattoo on her neck, he would have known that he would never see her again.