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16+ Language

America Fighting - Chapter One

by Vil


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

August 31, 2020

Jackson and Capitol County

Austin trailed behind Esa, a stack of law books, folders, and binders in his arms. His long, shaggy, unkempt hair continued to cover his eyes as they walked through the wind towards the Senator's Jackson home.

"I told you to get a haircut," she persisted, opening the dark gray door to her terraced home. The cobblestone path was slick with last night's rain, but they were careful. Letting her aide inside first, Austin was careful to place Esa's things down on her coffee table.

Austin turned and pulled his hair back. "I like it long and messy. Keeps me looking modern."

"Austin, we were nuked," Esa said. "You may not remember this, but anything from 2016 is considered modern. I never saw anyone with hair like that four years ago, and you're the only one I see like that now."

The young adult smirked. "I'm the only teen in Jackson," he said. "I have a legacy to build--"

"--because of Senator McHale, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," Esa said, shaking her head. "We know that you want to follow in his footsteps, Austin. All of us know that by now."

Austin smiled. "I know you do. I just like repeating it to get on your nerves."

"Well, it's working," the Senator said with a sigh. "Now, get ready, we've got a meeting we'll have to get to soon. DuBois is not a patient man."

-----

Francis DuBois looked at the four Senators he had invited to the meeting. Esa and Austin sat side by at one of the four tables in the room. DuBois stood behind a podium at the front. Reginald Obama, Anne Mei, and Lee Prestons each sat at their own tables with one of their interns.

"Welcome, friends," DuBois said. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that we have good evidence that all four of you are going win re-election this year easily. The bad news..." The man sighed, pulling out a pair of glasses. After putting them on, he reread the notes he had on his podium. "The bad news is that people are starting to see McHale as a bad choice for the presidency."

"Well, they're wrong," Esa said plainly. "So what if he wants to take his tim choosing a VP? Lots of nominees have waited. You waited until the last few weeks were up."

"Things were different then," Obama said, dropping his Illinois accent. "Indecisiveness can kill."

"That's why the five of us are here," DuBois said. "We represent the four parts of America-- Esa and the south, Anne and the northeast, Reggie and the Midwest, and Lee the southeast. I want you four to choose our vice president out of the three finalists."

Esa looked at the other Senators. "We're supposed to choose between your brother, a Europhile nut, and the governor of Erie?" she asked.

"Yes," DuBois stated firmly. "I'll leave you four to bicker about it--"

"No need," Obama interrupted. "Governor Romney has my support. She's a good person."

"She's got my vote," Prestons agreed. "If we all agree, I'll talk to William tomorrow."

"Hold on," Esa said. "Matthew is a good choice, too. We can ditch dingbat."

"I prefer Matthew," Mei agreed.

"So," Obama's intern started, "do we flip a coin?"

"No, we let Senator DuBois break the vote," Austin said. "We just hope he has common sense and chooses his brother."

"I hate both of them," DuBois said dryly. "I-- darn it, you four, just make a decision!"

"Um... Senator DuBois?" one of the interns said. "We're all eighteen. You can curse."

"...damn it, Kira, just be quiet."

Kira's Senator, Prestons, cracked a smile. "I told you that you talked too much."

"Pfft. As if."

Austin turned to look at the intern that had spoken. Kira was honey-skinned and blue-eyed, and her long back hair was braided past her waist. She had high cheekbones and a round face, and she was terribly thin, as if she was being starved.

Austin chose not to reply, instead looking at Senator DuBois again. "What exactly do you intend to do, sir?"

"Well, Austin," DuBois said, "you chose Smith's pick, so why don't you choose ours?"

"With pleasure," Austin replied. "Matthew DuBois--"

"That was a joke."

"I knew that."

"What if went with someone completely different?" Mei asked.

"Such as...?" Prestons began.

"Francis," the New Englander replied. "He was a Democratic, so it crosses old party lines and brings more than enough Liberals into the fold to--"

"I could approve of that," Prestons interrupted.

"As could I," Obama agreed.

"I think that would work," Esa said, "only a certain old man wouldn't approve."

"You'd be surprised what extents Grandpa would go to in order to beat Smith," Austin replied. "I'll talk to him."

"Austin?" Esa put a hand on his shoulder. "Please don't die in the process."

-----

Author's Notes and Commentary:

Hehehe... Poor Austin's going to die, isn't he? I dunno yet. I haven't gotten that far quite yet.


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Fri Oct 09, 2020 5:35 pm
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Vincian wrote a review...



Hey there Vil! I have not read the prologue, I am just here to review because it's in the Green Room. I might review chapter two as well, but we'll see :D to give you a bit of a disclaimer on my reviewing style, I tend to focus on pacing, characters, dialogue, repetitions, and mainly things that feel out of place, style-wise or plot-wise. I can be harsh on my reviews, but it's purely just to help you improve. Take my advice with a grain of salt :D ONTO THE REVIEW

His long, shaggy, unkempt hair continued to cover his eyes as they walked through the wind towards the Senator's Jackson home.


One of the things that I look for when doing physical, like, body descriptions is how they're implemented within the story. So, I like what you're doing with his hair here, but I think you could go even further. Instead of saying "the hair continued to cover his eyes" maybe you could say "with his free hand, he kept pulling his hair out of his eyes." This way, it'll give the action to Austin and also relate with the first sentence about him carrying a lot. Also, I'm a bit not surplussed about the intro of this, as it's fairly boring. And, well, boring isn't bad persay, but boring isn't anything spectacular either!

"Austin, we were nuked," Esa said. "You may not remember this, but anything from 2016 is considered modern. I never saw anyone with hair like that four years ago, and you're the only one I see like that now."


This feels a bit jarring, and a bit info-dumpy to let the readers know they're in the apocalypse or something. I think you're on the right track with how teenagers would speak like that, but it feels a tad too info dumpy.

"--because of Senator McHale, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," Esa said, shaking her head. "We know that you want to follow in his footsteps, Austin. All of us know that by now."


Again, infodumpy. I'd much rather have you show us this through his actions and then maybe Esa confronting him later. She says that everyone knows, but the reader doesn't know. It's like reverse dramatic irony (dramatic irony is when the audience knows something the character or characters don't. It's often used in theatre, especially comedies, but it's generally used in all forms of media.)

Francis DuBois looked at the four Senators he had invited to the meeting. Esa and Austin sat side by at one of the four tables in the room. DuBois stood behind a podium at the front. Reginald Obama, Anne Mei, and Lee Prestons each sat at their own tables with one of their interns.


So, one of the things that I tend to tell in most of my reviews is how impactful verbs can be. This Article can explain it far better than I can. So, let's take a look at the verbs in this paragraph. You have looked, invited, sat, stood, sat. Only one of those verbs are fairly unique verbs. The other are basically invisible verbs as they add absolutely nothing to the piece. They are words for readers to skim through, which honestly isn't the best when basically an entire paragraph is encouraging the reader to skim through it. You can also make it just so much more impactful of a piece by using strong verbs.

-- Esa and the south, Anne and the northeast, Reggie and the Midwest, and Lee the southeast. I want you four to choose our vice president out of the three finalists."


I would recommend Essa with the south instead of and.

Honestly, I am totally not sure what's going on regarding the second part of this chapter, with the presidency and everything, but I don't care. It's good to keep mystery and intrigue to keep the readers enthralled and wanting to read more. I cannot actually distinguish between the different characters in the beginning, because wow there's so many talking in the second half of the chapter. I would like to see you introduce them slowly, like they arrive one by one or two by two to the meeting. I think this leans a bit too much info dumpy in parts of it, especially for someone who hasn't read the prologue, and there is a fraction of readers who just skip prologues, even when reading published books. You have a solid premise here. I might read the next chapter and review as well!




Vil says...


This is the start of Book 2. Book 1 can be read here.

Thanks for the review! <3



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Thu Sep 17, 2020 2:49 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back for more.

First Impression: This was a pretty good continuation place to start things off. A little confused as to what happened to Chapter 1 (Did I somehow miss it?) Other than that I love the way that you've chosen to show the effects of the time skip. Its definitely quite clear in how Austin is especially and I think this was a pretty nice little place to start things off. We have ourselves a fresh new conflict to hook us for this book.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Austin trailed behind Esa, a stack of law books, folders, and binders in his arms. His long, shaggy, unkempt hair continued to cover his eyes as they walked through the wind towards the Senator's Jackson home.


Hmm....pretty decent place to open things here. And I like the hair there to show how the characters have changed with the timeskip.

"I told you to get a haircut," she persisted, opening the dark gray door to her terraced home. The cobblestone path was slick with last night's rain, but they were careful. Letting her aide inside first, Austin was careful to place Esa's things down on her coffee table.


I'm liking how you're setting the scene up so far and the friendly banter between the two is also definitely a nice touch to see how they're relationship has progressed in the months that have passed.

"--because of Senator McHale, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," Esa said, shaking her head. "We know that you want to follow in his footsteps, Austin. All of us know that by now."


Hmm...who wouldn't want to follow in Grandpa's footsteps.

Francis DuBois looked at the four Senators he had invited to the meeting. Esa and Austin sat side by at one of the four tables in the room. DuBois stood behind a podium at the front. Reginald Obama, Anne Mei, and Lee Prestons each sat at their own tables with one of their interns.


Uhh...Obama...that's all I have to say here because I know that name I won't forget..xD

"Welcome, friends," DuBois said. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that we have good evidence that all four of you are going win re-election this year easily. The bad news..." The man sighed, pulling out a pair of glasses. After putting them on, he reread the notes he had on his podium. "The bad news is that people are starting to see McHale as a bad choice for the presidency."


Oh no...but he's obviously the best...people make bad decision.

Esa looked at the other Senators. "We're supposed to choose between your brother, a Europhile nut, and the governor of Erie?" she asked.


Well when you put it that way...

"Hold on," Esa said. "Matthew is a good choice, too. We can ditch dingbat."

"I prefer Matthew," Mei agreed.


Oh dear this conversation is like the best one I have seen in any of your chapters.

Austin turned to look at the intern that had spoken. Kira was honey-skinned and blue-eyed, and her long back hair was braided past her waist. She had high cheekbones and a round face, and she was terribly thin, as if she was being starved.


That's a nice description that you've got there.

"Francis," the New Englander replied. "He was a Democratic, so it crosses old party lines and brings more than enough Liberals into the fold to--"

"I could approve of that," Prestons interrupted.

"As could I," Obama agreed.

"I think that would work," Esa said, "only a certain old man wouldn't approve."


Of course he wouldn't.

Hehehe... Poor Austin's going to die, isn't he? I dunno yet. I haven't gotten that far quite yet.


*frowns*

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is a pretty great chapter that you've done a wonderful job with and I love the direction that this appears to be headed in. I loved the conversation they had in this one. Its some of the best dialogue I've seen in all of your writing. Looking forward for more!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Image




Vil says...


I mislabeled it because my brain died last night! XD

Yeah... I stole some last names to honor important people that I think are decent human beings r better...

Thanks for the review! Figured it'd be best to just ease people back into the politics with some lighter humor.




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