leyla. Shakespearean sonnet
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there Ventomology! Just stopping by to bring you a quick review.
I really enjoyed this line. I thought the progression from childhood friends and then still remaining in touch. It also shows their progression in age very subtly; the typical age to have a phone, at least in my experience, is around early teenage years.The relationship between these two people is very well described, and you do an excellent job showing how their relationship changes over the years. First, they started out as best friends when they were young, and they remained in touch as they progressed into their teenage years. The way you subtly showed their ages and described their relationship in poetic language was quite impressive.
I also did like the mention of "indigo", as indigo often symbolizes sadness and melancholy, and it seems appropriate given the situation. It adds a nice description to the relationship that you detail without being overly wordy or literal.
The one thing I wanted to see more of in this poem was a bit more specific description. While you do a wonderful job succinctly describing how the relationship progresses, it lacks, for the most part, the specific details that can really draw the reader in and connect them with the characters. You began to get a little closer to that in the last two stanzas, where you discuss when they wash dishes—which, by the way, was a wonderful way to show that they have a casual and comfortable relationship without being overly upfront about it—, but I still want to know more about these two characters specifically.
Overall, you did an excellent job using poetic language to describe the progression of the characters' relationship, and found the perfect balance of metaphorical and understandable language through your usage of colors like indigo and show-don't-tell. I did appreciate the brevity, as it suited the poem since it seemed like a brief outpouring. Excellent job on this, and I look forward to reading more works by you!
All my best,
~MJ
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Ah yeah, this one could have been way longer, which would have given more room for specific details.
It probably deserves to be longer really, but the Shakespearean sonnet is kind of special to the er... other subject, which is why I picked it.
Thanks so much!
Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?
I can sense a deep emotional longing coming from this piece. There's a lot of thought put into each line, and it all spells out that the narrator is missing something from their life: Leyla.
Quick nitpick - Assuming Leyla is female, wouldn't calling her a "beau" be incorrect? I understand that you were trying to stick a rhyming scheme, though.
This could be a personal thing, but I wonder why you picked indigo for this story instead of every other color on the spectrum; Maybe it's derived from emotion. I also wonder about this in your other pieces, at least beyond gender.
Another question - Why would this "melancholy partnership" the narrator describes you suit you as such besides the color of indigo? You seem so close to each other, yet so far.
That's all from me, really. Some questions were leaning more on the rhetoric side, but I really hope you continue building meaning from this series.
-Manilla out.
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful; that was not my intention.)
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sorry, i meant redundant, not rhetoric
The more questions the better! I think you're right though, that I got the mood across but sacrificed some more situational details or specific moments in the process. That'll be the next thing to fix.
Thanks!
I really love these sets of works - I hope to review them when the time comes.