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Twist (Part 2 of 3)

by Tuckster


“He did WHAT?!” the chief of police, Henry Jones, yelled.

His son, Andrew Phillip Jones, shook in his seat. “He... he cut me across the back of my hand.”

“Let me see,” the senior Jones demanded.

Andrew pushed back his wet and bloody sleeve to reveal his sticky hand, graced with a wound a few inches long, not terribly deep but enough to be concerning.

Henry sank back in his seat. “I cannot believe the absolute nerve of that thug,” he hissed, in a tone that was quiet but filled with so much anger it was somehow more terrifying than his shouting.

“I will send out a search party to find this boy and then arrest him, charging him with assault and robbery,” Henry vowed. He was still shaking, but with that announcement motioned for his timid wife to bring in their extravagant supper- ham, sweet potatoes, and green beans. As he stabbed into his ham, Andrew allowed himself a small smile, knowing that whoever had done this would be put in jail for a long time.

***

The next morning, Twist woke to the sound of heavy footsteps thundering outside of his little nook. He poked his head out of the little living space he had made with a ratty blanket, a broken lamp, and a few boards set up to shelter his few possessions. Of course, he had all his valuables with him. Only a fool would leave anything of value in plain sight without keeping a very close eye on it.

He saw a group of police passing by, and ducked again. What were the police doing back here? They generally preferred the well-lit avenues of the main streets, up in the bigger city of London. Those were almost always more safe than the dubious alleyways, and the richer folks were concentrated in the center of the city, with all the tourist attractions and big-shot hotels.

Who were they looking for? Rarely, a bigger robber or other criminal would seek refuge in the backways of London to try and avoid detection. It had worked once or twice, but most of the time, the cops caught him and dragged them to court. He stayed low, just in case. He didn't exactly look like the type of person who would live an honorable life.

The police officers paused, and they seemed to turn in his direction. His breath caught in his throat. They were coming towards him.

He started to run, but he was blocked by one of the burlier police officers. Staggering, he tried to regain his balance, but somebody else grabbed his arm.

“What do you want?” he spat. He had no respect for police officers, those who meddled in other's business and fought for lawful loopholes so that they could seek revenge on distant family or friends of friends.

“Please cooperate, and it will go easier for you,” one of the officers instructed. He pulled Twist's hands behind his back and started to handcuff them.

Twist stopped struggling, so as not to pick up a charge of resisting arrest. He racked his brain, trying to think of what he had done out of the ordinary that would've led to this arrest. He hadn't left any bodies around in the last few months, and he had only killed one or two people.

He could probably have gotten off with a plea of self-defense, since in both cases he had been attacked with a knife, and he had defended himself a little violently. But what was he expected to do when he was armed and violently attacked?

Nothing strange had happened recently. Could this be related to his robbery of that snobbish rich kid yesterday? How had he gotten all of the police to swarm the criminal underworld, practically another city?

“What's going on? I have a right to know what I'm being arrested for,” Twist demanded.

One of the officers sighed. “Fine.” He took a deep breath, and continued.

“The chief of police's son was robbed and assaulted in an alley around here by a boy matching your description-- blue eyes, shaggy brown hair, grimy face, and a scar above one eye.”

Twist self-consciously touched the long scar above his left eye. It was a memoir from a nasty fight he had gotten in with a member of a gang. He had slit his opponent's throat pretty easily, but the other boy had gotten one good swipe with his knife in, right above his eye. It followed his eyebrow, but he unfortunately stuck out of a crowd now.

“Where are you going to take me?” he asked.

The cop who had handcuffed him started to lead him to one of the squad cars reading London Police. “To the London Juvenille Detention Facility.”


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Thu Jul 06, 2017 7:15 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Hi, MJ!

Okay. So I briefly glanced at your Part 1 of this story a little bit ago, but never actually read it, so I am quite proud of myself for finally getting around to it now. I thought I would like it, and I do. Well, at least what I've read of it.
Also, someone tell me why I love this sentence so much:

He was still shaking, but with that announcement motioned for his timid wife to bring in their extravagant supper- ham, sweet potatoes, and green beans.

I don't think you meant it to be funny, but for some reason I thought it was. (yeah, I'm weird)
Chief of Police just seems like some burly, loud guy who loves food, and Andrew some snobby kid no one wants to hang out with.

I had a problem with Twist. I like him too much. Your descriptions and the mannerisms you gave him just don't seem to match up with the fact that he killed two dudes (though not intentionally) and got in a nasty fight and slit some other dude's throat. I'm sure this guy does have a heart, but the whole "self-consciously touching the scar when it's mentioned" and "when one of the officers blocked him and he staggered part" and even this verb :“Where are you going to take me?” he asked, just seemed to well... weaken him.
I'm sure he's not some gangbanger or anything crazy like that, but I would think he would be much more harsher and coarser and even quick and nimble with the police, if he's been through some of the stuff his history tells us.
But this guy also seems pretty smart -Twist stopped struggling, so as not to pick up a charge of resisting arrest.) - so I dunno, maybe he purposely did some of this stuff. Or maybe my imagination's carrying me away.

The police also seemed a little too mellow in that arresting scene. Once more, maybe it had to do with your verb choice. I don't know if they've heard of any of Twist's past, and I don't know what their thoughts on the "assault" were, but they didn't seem very intimidating.
“Please cooperate, and it will go easier for you,” one of the officers instructed. He pulled Twist's hands behind his back and started to handcuff them.

Considering the fact Twist had just tried to bolt, these policemen are awfully polite with the "please" and "pulling" his hands back instead of well, jerking them.

One of the officers sighed. “Fine.” He took a deep breath, and continued.

What's with the "fine"? It wasn't that huge of a deal. Was it? Why were they acting like they didn't want Twist to know?

I get that you probably don't want to make the officers sound all mean and cold, but I thought they sounded too polite for arresting someone. Maybe that's what you were trying to do. I don't know why. But those are my thoughts for you!

Anyhow. I hope you found this review a little helpful, at least. I really only struggled with the characters, but your plot is moving along quite nicely. Have a great day, and good luck with the rest of the story!
:)




Tuckster says...


Thanks for the review! When I created Twist, I wanted him to be a sort of character who had a mindset of "I do what I have to do to survive" but also has some quirks and seems human, not like an evil criminal but like a boy just trying to survive on the streets, although admittedly he is a little cold-hearted. The remark about killing 2 people was supposed to be slightly humorous-- he's wondering why the police are looking for him since he only killed two people in the last week. That was the point. It's kinda weird humor, but I thought it was funny. Thanks again!



rosette says...


I thought it was supposed to be humorous - I laughed, too xD - but I also took it as truth.
You are welcome. :D



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Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:27 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Heya MJTucker (again!)! Heeeereeess Kara Stevens for a (hopefully) quick review! This is also for my KotGR log so thanks for tagging me in this!

OVERALL AND THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME:

I'm starting with this first because I want to don't yell at meh.

So I was a little bit less impressed with this chapter but I do have some suggestions to make it better. I like a little of an element of surprise in books and stories, and this chapter just didn't have any. I also have one or two other problems... sorry if I don't word them very well.

  • First of all, I think that if Twist doesn't know if it had involved Andrew at ALL and the policeman didn't explain what he had done then it'll be more surprising and have him get a better reaction later. I'll explain what I meant by "more surprising in a second.
  • Second, if you switch the parts around and make the part with Andrew and his father a reminiscent of what happened earlier, it'll be so much more surprising than what it was. You could make it even more of a surprise if you list another robbery Twist had done so it'll make Twist more confused. It could also provide a little comic relief.
  • I like the scar part. You should keep that. Maybe have the police officer say that's who they're looking for, but don't state the crime.
  • When you state Andrew's name, I had two problems: 1) it's not always the best idea to state someone's full name if you are just saying it. There could be a person who has the same name and take offense to that. I've run into that problem once or twice or 4 times so that's just a little advice for you. 2) According to a baby names website, "Andrew" means strong, manly, and courageous. Andrew is none of those things. I don't know if you did it on purpose or not, but I like to name my characters ironically or like they really are or what a parent would name their child. Just something to keep in mind.
  • Would a police officer relent so easily?

Again, these are just suggestions. You don't need to take them.

I did like the chapter overall though, just a little less impressed. It could be more surprising, but that's really all the criticism there.

NOW ITS GRAMMAR TIME!

Again, I only found very few grammar issues.

Part 2(of 3)


First of all, you don't need this if it's in the title. Also, a space should be in between the "2" and "(".

“He did WHAT?!?!”


One question mark and one exclaimation mark proves the point there. Several of those is a little much.

Aaaaand... that's it! Yes, I did like it, and I'm glad that my OCD didn't go on overload, but you could have had more of an element of surprise.

Happy writing and keep on trucking!~

Squire Kara R. Stevens




Tuckster says...


Thanks for the review! I'll post part 3 tomorrow and tag you, and I agree that it wasn't the best work I've ever done. The idea in the beginning was to have an unrelated scene, and then realize that it was related to the incident with Twist. There is a twist (haha, see what I did there) at the end in the last part,so hopefully that adds a little bit of surprise there. I agree that this is one of my duller works, and on my other long car ride (a 10 hour car trip where I don't have access to Internet), I'll work on a more suspenseful-type short story that I'll hopefully post next week! Anyway, thanks for the review!

Cya around,
MJ



zaminami says...


Yes, thanks!




Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield