Hello Tuck ^_^
A lowrumblingrumble shook the foundations of Skylar's home.SkylarShe stirred awake and squinted out her window. A roving searchlight peeked through her window, which was all Skylar needed to see to crawl out of bed and stumble into a sweatshirt and some slippers. She slipped downstairs towards the wide window that overlooked the street.
I'm going to nitpick this paragraph in particular just because it's the first one and a few small things ruined the flow and stopped me from immersing. First of all, if a paragraph only features one character, you pretty much only need to name them once and then use their preferred pronouns. Names are something in particular you want to avoid repeating. We also have the triple repetition of the word "window" so similarly you want to avoid this.
Line editing aside, I think this opening is lacking visual details. We're moving from one thing to the next a little too quickly. In one sentence she's waking up, in the next sentence there's a searchlight and she's getting dressed, and in the next she's going downstairs. So I agree with Honora, I'm having to shake the imagination tree a little too hard. A useful tip when considering pacing at a line level: the time it takes you to read a sentence or paragraph is how much time passes in the story, too. It's crazy but it makes sense.
In a similar vein, we're also lacking some emotional cues, as well. Obviously, nobody wants to wake up to the foundations of their home shaking. That's usually always a bad thing. But here I'd want to see Skylar's particular reaction to what is happening. Her quick, automatic reactions suggest that she isn't perturbed by what is happening, and maybe even that this is something that happens a lot. Which is fine, but I couldn't really tell if that was the case or not.
Her father was already standing there, arms crossed over his chest. “Did you see what was happening?” Skylar whispered to him.
Usually if you front dialogue with body language, it means that person is the speaker. Perhaps this was supposed to be a standalone sentence, with the dialogue starting on a new line.
Two officers lifted a battering ram and slammed it into the front door. The sound of wood splintering reverberated through the cool, calm night, and Skylar sucked in a breath.
Ooh here we go. This is a good balance of description and Skylar being reactive.
“I don't know, sweetheart.” Skylar's dad stepped closer to her and wrapped one arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tight. “It's probably nothing,” he said, voice wavering slightly.
If it's nothing, why are there so many officers? Skylar wondered, watching as Moore was slammed against an SUV and handcuffed.
FYI this exchange suggests that Skylar is quite young. Like, at least younger than ten. I don't know how old she is yet, but just FYI.
Also, there's a slight logic problem here. If Skylar's dad is willing to lie this obviously to protect her, why not just make her stop watching, too? Like, it's odd to just flat out lie to this extent but then let her continue observing that clearly not nothing is happening.
“No! They can't do that!” Skylar broke free from her father's hold and sprinted towards the door. She quickly unbolted the front door and sprinted down the steps and across the street until she was face-to-face with an officer. “You can't do this! It's blatantly unconstitutional. You're destroying evidence,” she sputtered, face turning a shade of crimson that matched the tones of the fire roaring behind her.
"blatantly unconstitutional" isn't very realistic dialogue. I just don't see someone bursting outside in the dead of night after watching dozens of officers cart their neighbour away before burning down his house. Also now I'm even more confused by her age.
I also think this is missing a clue as to how the father reacted - like he didn't call after her or stop her in the time it took for her to unbolt the door? Nothing?
The officer laughed, revealing a gold tooth where his left canine should be. “And who might you be, young lady, that makes you qualified to tell me how to do my job?” He chuckled and drew a cigarette from one of his pockets, lighting it and tossing the match into the fire.
Skylar fought the urge to grab him by the collar and slam him against the remaining SUV. “Do you understand who that was? Randolph Moore. He was one of the best men I've ever known.” She fought to keep her voice from cracking, but it felt as if a tidal wave was rising up in her throat. “He stood up for what was right, and just, and fair, no matter the cost. The world needs more men like him, not men who extinguish who he is and everything he stands for.” She hurled the words like weapons, but they landed in shards at his feet.
The officer chortled. “You're cute, kid, but we have orders that go higher up than you can possibly know.” His tone was smug, complacent, and reeked of superiority. Skylar shoved her balled-up fists into her pant pockets.
So, guessing these are mercenaries with no identity for them to so flagrantly stand around burning down someone's house.
I'm really not buying this exchange, however. I just don't see someone engaging with a witness like this, trying to justify what they're doing / explain how high their orders go.
Skylar's chest heaved, and her entire body shuddered as she collected herself long enough to step backwards and look up at her father. “What do we do from here?”
“We sleep,” her father answered, piercing sincerity in his eyes. “Then tomorrow morning, we make a plan for how we move forward. Right now, the only thing we can do is rest. What did I always tell you about courage?”
Skylar sniffled and wiped snot from her nose with the back of her hand. “Courage isn't always the roar of a lion,” she recited. “Sometimes it's a little whisper that says, 'We'll try again tomorrow'.”
Oh, that's interesting. So this father / daughter relationship is very unordinary, then.
Also nice closing line.
---
Overall, I'll focus on the areas you suggested:
Characterisation:
It was kind of inconsistent. When Skylar and her father met downstairs, their relationship suggested very young girl + overprotective father. But then Skylar rushed outside and was using sophisticated language and thinking about slamming a man into a SUV, which suggested upwards of YA. And then when she came back inside, the father is praising her for running outside and confronting mercenaries, which suggests he's extremely negligent, because honestly what good really came from her running outside. But his reaction at that point was more strange because of his really blatant "nothing is happening" lie.
With that said, there are strong signs of characterisation in that I can see right off the bat that Skylar is a brave, doesn't take no for an answer, will move heaven and earth to seek the truth kind of person. That came across really well, and it's because you gave her agency, you let her take complete control of this scene by rushing outside and trying to do something.
Pacing:
I think I already covered this at the beginning of my review - pacing needs work at a line level. Big events pass by in the blink of an eye so just need padding out with more description or reaction from Skylar. More words = more time passing in the story. That's one way to control pacing.
Otherwise, I like that we jump into this scene and get to business. You start with the inciting incident and don't bog down the story with exposition.
Writing style:
I'd like to see you use less LY adverbs and words ending with ING. The former can be fixed by using stronger verbs so as to not need a modification, and the latter can be avoided by playing around with sentence structure. ING words aren't a huge problem but I personally think they can disrupt flow and don't look very pretty on the page.
And then I also noticed a tendency to repeat words. Here's an example of all the above:
The foremost officer pulled something indistinguishably small from the small box. He slid it across the box, and the scene was suddenly illuminated by the small but unmistakable glow of fire.
Otherwise, I tend to favour styles like yours: simple and lets the story speak for itself. I don't want to keep noticing someone's magnificent flashy style, I want to immerse, and that's what your style allows. Also, it gives you the benefit of choosing when to use really punchy lines, like the last one to close this scene. If you were trying too hard all the time, that last line wouldn't have the same impact. So good job.
Plot:
I like that you're not revealing anything too high value, here. You're keeping cards close to your chest and letting the reader wonder: who are these mercenaries? Why does Skylar care this much? What is her relationship to this neighbour? Why is her father going to help her get to the bottom of this? I think you struck a good balance with giving enough context but protecting your mysteries and the reader's intrigue.
Logic wise, I think some of what happened is a little unrealistic. Perhaps it's too early for me to say that since I'm new to your world, but mercenaries burning down a house and then staying to chat with some random girl doesn't feel legit to me.
It's okay for unrealistic things to happen in a story, but it just means you need to work harder on execution.
That should about do it. I only skimmed through the other reviews so hopefully I added something helpful.
-Zoom
I really appreciate the thoroughness of your review!
)
Points: 10017
Reviews: 154
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