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Shattering Stars

by Tuckster

This was written using the Lai poetry structure, which consists of stanzas composed of 9 lines following an aabaabaab pattern. The "a" lines contain 5 syllables, and the "b" lines contain 2 syllables. Traditionally, the b lines rhyme with each other, but I almost never write poetry that rhymes because I feel that it constricts my creative ability to an unhealthy degree. There were a few places I used some creative liberty, but other than that I stuck with that structure for this poem. Let me know what you think!

gazing upwards at
the ink-black heavens
spinning my telescope
and searching the sky
for life,
I feel something strange;
a connection with
far-off stars.

Stars that burn brightly;
too brightly, in fact
for they
soon explode into
thousands of shattered
I know all too well
what it feels like to 

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47 Reviews

Points: 550
Reviews: 47

Tue Mar 31, 2020 1:28 pm
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Gravitem wrote a review...

A wonderful relation between stars and your feelings.

I acknowledge your poem not only for its ideas but also for your effort in sticking to a particular format while building on the idea. It was a great attempt, but I feel that you need to build a little more on your idea. Though you have clarity there is a lack of structure in your idea(not the poem). You have laid a great foundation but the tower remains short.

I would suggest you to keep working on it till your tower looks sharp and tall. Great work. I loved your poem and my favourite parts were your descriptions and imagery. For example;

"ink-black heavens"


your final relationship with the poem - the way you concluded, which was,

"soon explode into
thousands of shattered
I know all too well
what it feels like to

A great poem. Please keep writing.
A quote from my favourite video game if it will help.

"Sky Above, Voice Within"

Aim for the sky with all you've got and I'm sure that you will have mastery of your way of expression.

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29 Reviews

Points: 415
Reviews: 29

Sun Mar 22, 2020 8:26 pm
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Lia5Giba wrote a review...

Hello! I like this piece. Although, I don't know f I should say just the words "I like this." They seem too peppy, too insincere to say about this poem.

It is a beautiful poem, laced with melancholy. The words ring purple and blue and cool and soothing, as if I am floating while I listen to such music. The words... it's as if they are swirling around me, touching me, comforting me, assuring my heart that to be broken is not the end.

I could feel emotion in these words. I read poetry to get a feeling, not necessarily to understand the words, yet here I get both. I feel the words, I feel the emotions. The words are simple, dressed and coming as they are, barren flowers that people overlook, but once you look closer you realize that the flowers are beautiful in their simplicity.

This poem is simply beautiful, and beautiful in its simplicity.

I loved it. Thank you for sharing such a poem. I'm sorry the words here are loopy, like rippling thread floating in space, but that's how I feel when I read this.

Tuckster says...

Thank you so much for your kind words!

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19 Reviews

Points: 1477
Reviews: 19

Sun Mar 22, 2020 5:49 pm
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StudentAH says...

Wow, the end there kinda made me sad.

I'm not going to leave this as a review because I'm not familiar with this poem style, but I think you were saying that traditionally the b lines rhyme, but you decided not to make them rhyme?

I had thought that all the a lines rhyme with one another as well. Overall, was your intention that this is a Lai but it doesn't rhyme, and instead the inspiration is just the syllables & stanza length, etc.?

The idea behind this is very interesting; I love stars and I often look at the news for astrology discoveries, etc.

I wonder if this author is looking far out in the stars to search for something within themselves. Or rather, because they've given up on that.

Tuckster says...

Yes, traditionally the b lines rhyme based on what I read. it's possible there are variations where the a lines are supposed to rhyme as well. I was using the syllable and stanza lengths for this poem, since I dislike writing rhyming poetry. I'm glad you enjoyed this! Thanks so much for the review!

StudentAH says...

Ah, ok, I see. And yes, thank you for sharing :)

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54 Reviews

Points: 1261
Reviews: 54

Sun Mar 22, 2020 12:46 pm
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BhavyaMehta123 wrote a review...

Hi@DJTurkey.Honestly, I never knew there existed something called" Lai poetry structure" I got to know it from you. So thank you.
I liked your poem. I love how you rhymed it well. I don't have any knowledge about this style so no comments at all.I loved how you explained the journey of scattering of stars.The last line was indeed heart touching. I could feel you.
I feel the following lines are awesome:
"gazing upwards at
the ink-black heavens
I feel you should have written g of gazing in capitals. I think it was just by chance or is there any reason behind it
Do reply.

Tuckster says...

Hi there Bhavya, and thank you so much for the review! I agree that gazing should have been capitalized; I forgot that I had capitalized "Stars", so it should absolutely be capitalized for the sake of consistency. Thanks for catching that, and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem!

Your welcome!

There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki