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Young Writers Society



ORWEO (Working Title) 1.1

by Atticus


Chapter 1.1

"This is Wing 1, positioned for duty," Skylar announced into her com device, lying on the hard ashphalt behind a tall government building that spiraled up into the sky. Skylar could see her reflecion in the tinted, bullet-proof glass that separated the government workers from the rest of the population.

"Wing 2, positioned for duty," another voice, this one masculine, reported over the com system. Skylar closed her eyes and rocked back onto her heels, keeping her hand close to the holster that cradled the silenced gun she always wore. Her usual get-up also involved a sniper rifle slung across her back, but for this mission stealth and subtlety were essential, as was typical for infiltration missions.

"Wings 3 and 4, positioned for duty," another voice reported, and Skylar pushed herself back up onto her toes. Now all she was waiting for was the final go-ahead, and then they would spring this plan into motion. Skylar lived for these moments, on the brink of an adrenaline rush, tensed and ready to launch into her plan. The nerves in the pit of her stomach were quieted by the anticipation of this moment, and she almost trembled as she waited to release all of the energy stored up inside her.

"It's go time, folks," one of the leaders from HQ announced. Skylar immediately began to army crawl across the hard ground, using her elbows to pull herself forward while staying low to the ground. Her black, military-grade cargo pants brushed against the ashphalt, but they were made out of too thick a material to show any signs of wear. She reached the door and didn't even pause to brush the dirt and rocks off her pants, instead reaching into one of the pockets on her pants to pick the lock on the door. Another masked figure appeared from the other side and began to cover the voice and vision sensors, which the team referred to as the "eyes and ears" of this bureau.

In a matter of moments, Skylar heard a click, and she placed her hand on the handle. "Door is unlocked. Waiting for further instruction," she reported.

"Copy that, Wing 1. Wings 2, 3, and 4, please confirm."

"Wing 2, positioned."

"Wing 3, positioned."

There was a brief moment of silence, and then "Wing 4, positioned," sounded in Skylar's headset.

"Breach the building," HQ commanded, and Skylar grinned. "You don't have to tell me twice," she muttered under her breath before opening the door and throwing it wide open. The door closed silently, and Skylar and her opposing wing, a boy about her age whose name was Darien, claimed opposite sides of the hallway. Both of them drew their batons from another pocket of their respective vests, making slow but steady progress down the hallway. The lighting flickered, making Skylar jump, but she kept her arms relaxed, prepared for a fight.

Careless footsteps sounded from Skylar's left, and Darien looked at her and nodded quickly, his brown eyes wide. Skylar nodded and pressed her back up against the wall, inching forward until the wall ended and she was waiting at the intersection of two hallways. The footsteps got closer and closer, and Skylar counted down the steps until she woul strike. Three. Two. One.

A man in a sharp suit stepped out from the end, completely oblivious to the danger lurking on the other side, and Skylar immediately swung her baton at his knee while clapping a hand over his mouth. She muffled his scream of surprise and pain perfectly as he collapsed and wrapped her arms around his neck in a rear naked chokehold. He struggled for a few seconds before going limp, and Skylar gently guided him to the floor.

Skylar gestured at the unconscious guard and jerked her head towards the direction they had just come. Darien seemed to understand and nodded, pointing at his feet as if to say "I'll stay right here."

Skylar grabbed the feet of the unconscious worker and dragged him down the hallway until she found a maintenance closet. Making quick work of the lock, Skylar stepped inside and used some heavy-duty rope to tie him to a chair and to gag him. She slipped out of the room, not bothering to re-lock the door, and then hurried to meet up with Darien.

"Good?" Darien whispered, and Skylar nodded. "Let's go."

"Wings 1 and 2 have reached the first intersection. Waiting for further instruction," Darien reported in a whisper.

They waited in silence for a few minutes, the only sound the quiet whispering of the industrial air conditioning a few rooms down. Eventually, the com device crackled before a more feminine voice that belonged to Wing 3 reported, "Wings 3 and 4 have reached their checkpoint. Waiting for further instruction."

"Both pairs, advance to the second checkpoint," HQ instructed, and Skylar and Darien quickly jogged across the intersection and then continued to creep along the hallway until they reached the second intersection. After a quick confirmation from headquarters, they continued down the hallway in the same fashion until they reached an elevator.

"Wings 1 and 2 have reached the elevator. Waiting for further instruction," Skylar radioed in, and she and Darien plastered themselves against the door.

A few moments after, their complementary wings appeared at the opposite of the ends. Skylar watched one of them report their position to HQ in a whisper and then braced herself for action.

"Storm the elevator," HQ commanded, and the four of them immediately rushed the elevator. Wing 4, a tall and slender trainee who was named Issac, pressed a stolen badge to the door to open the door, and the light on the bottom of the card reader changed from red to green.

The doors opened, and the four of them immediately stormed inside. Darien and the other girl, whose name was Kiersten, immediately covered up the audio and visual sensors while Skylar slammed the correct button. Issac positioned himself close to the door and settled into his fighting stance, baton raised and ready to fight.

The elevator dinged, and the doors began to slide open. The four of them jumped outside, and the two people who were standing waiting for the elevator jumped, both of them freezing. Skylar and Issac grabbed one apiece and used the traditional reverse chokehold method, squeezing them tightly until they passed out. Together, they dragged the two unfortunate employees to another janitor's closet conveniently located only a few doors down the hallway. They secured them to chairs with more heavy-duty rope, gagged them, and then rejoined Kiersten and Darien.

"Third checkpoint reached. Waiting for further instruction," Kiersten reported, and the four of them stepped into a fighting formation. Skylar and Issac were look-outs, standing with their backs against the wall and occasionally peeking around the corner to see if anyone was coming down the hallway. Kiersten and Darien lingered further back, hands on their batons in case of any trouble.

A few moments later, the reply from HQ came through on all of their devices—"Copy that. Proceed to the fourth checkpoint. Be cautious for a group approaching from the northeast. Currently, the hallway you're approaching runs north to south. If you turn left, you'll be going north."

"Copy that," Skylar whispered, motioning for Darien to follow her. The two groups split up to make their way in a rectangular shape so that they would meet again after moving down these two east-west hallways and then approaching each other from the other north-south hallway.

She and Darien made quick progress, moving methodically down the hallway until they reached the corner. Skylar was just about to turn the corner when she heard footsteps and motioned for Darien to freeze. Drawing her baton from her belt, Skylar braced herself to pounce, and then someone rounded the corner with a gun drawn. "Freeze!" he boomed, his voice filling the small hallway.


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Sun Feb 24, 2019 3:47 am
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shieldmaiden wrote a review...



Wow! Have you ever been in situations like this? Are you a cadet or in the military - because you seem to have experience and know what you are talking about. The description is very well written (not overly excessive) and the action - I can almost picture it in my mind (and I have a rather hard time doing that). I also like the fact that you did not have us in Skylar's head. She seems very down-to-earth and someone I would enjoy getting to know/befriend in real life. She doesn't complain or groan and this whole mission seems kind of a ritual thing. The comment of her grinning was a nice touch. I could almost feel her getting hyped up in adrenaline.




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for the review! I%u2019m so glad you liked it! I do not have experience in the military but I%u2019m glad you found the description and action engaging. Thanks again!



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Tue Feb 19, 2019 9:58 pm
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey there! I really like how your book jumps into action in the first chapter, it makes it easier to get hooked. ;)
One thing I would like to point out is that the way you wrote it didn't seem to be personal at all. It was more like someone telling the story instead of actually being in it. There was no indication of what Skylar was feelings or thoughts and it would be nice to have more of that. Also, most readers won't know the technical terms of fighting, for example, "traditional reverse chokehold method" and it would help if you explained what it was. I know that I have no idea what kind of method that is and I would love to know!
I did like it and look forward to reading more of it! :)




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for your review! I really appreciate your feedback and will certainly take it into consideration as I edit. Thanks again!



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Sun Feb 17, 2019 12:41 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hey, MJ! Just thought I'd drop in and review this!

Is this a revamp of Blue Powder? I'm intrigued. I will preface this review by saying I'm not totally won over by the (working) title, mostly because it sounds like someone with a lisp saying 'oreo'. That might just be me, though? xD

Still, plenty of time to consider titles later. Onto the review!

Small Comments

"It's go time, folks," one of the leaders from HQ announced. Skylar immediately began to army crawl across the hard ground, using her elbows to pull herself forward while staying low to the ground.


Army crawling necessitates staying close to the ground, so there's no reason to say it here.

Skylar and Issac grabbed one apiece and used the traditional reverse chokehold method


I find this technical language a bit impersonal. It feels like a clinical description rather than a visceral one.

gether, they dragged the two unfortunate employees to another janitor's closet conveniently located only a few doors down the hallway. They secured them to chairs with more heavy-duty rope


Where are they finding all this rope? Do janitors' closets often contain rope?

Overall Thoughts

I like that you start this chapter with action, and - like EternalRain says - that the action is clearly written. I was never confused about what was going on. I think you could stand to be a bit more sensory with your description, because it did sometimes feel like you were writing an impersonal list of events rather than filtering them through a POV. I didn't feel like Skylar's feelings came through a lot, either physical or mental.

While it is good that you've started with action, I think you do have to be careful with it. You've thrown the reader into a very high-pressure and dangerous situation, but we don't know or care about the characters and their cause yet, so it's difficult to sympathise with their goals and get behind them. I wonder if it might be worth starting the story slightly earlier than this. Starting with action doesn't necessarily mean starting with infiltration and explosions and fireworks; I think it's good to have a scene that allows you to get to know the characters in some capacity first. Lay out the groundwork for this world and Skylar as a protagonist and establish why her aims matter.

Obviously it's a very difficult balance to strike, because you don't want to start with anything too mundane. But my personal reaction to this chapter was that I felt a bit alienated, because all this dramatic stuff was happening but I didn't really have a clue why, nor did I know much about the characters. Maybe some kind of build-up scene would work well as an introduction. Skylar having to sneak out of her job to come here, or something? Something where there are still stakes, but there's more room for dialogue and character.

That's all I've got for this review! I'll try and critique the other parts as soon as I can.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for your review Pan! As always, your feedback was very helpful and you had some excellent suggestions that I will be sure to incorporate in future drafts. Thanks again!



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Tue Feb 05, 2019 6:24 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there! I don't think I've ever actually gotten the chance to review your work! So here I am. Glad I'm catching this at the beginning. :D

I first want to say: for a first-scene that's action in the first chapter, this is written really clearly. Usually when I read books like these I'm confused because I'm just ??? What is going on? But this didn't feel like that at all. I was able to follow along really nicely - the writing felt organized and flowed really smoothly.

One thing I wish there was a little more of towards the beginning was this sense of "what is this screwed up?" Obviously we don't want the main character thinking this too extensively, but I think acknowledging some kind of possible threat (they get caught, they seem someone in the halls, etc) could build up the suspense a bit more. I don't think it has to be anything big, but maybe just to get the reader worried a little. I think you can still keep the feeling of how perfectly they're doing everything even with a tiny something to get the reader worried.

A small nitpick - the phrasing "whose name was ...." is used on both Darien and Kiersten and it feels a bit wordy. Cutting it out so it's something like "Darien and the other girl, Kiersten" flows pretty smooth.

I'm really curious about these characters, though! Definitely want to learn more about them in future chapters. Also, interesting how they use batons. I haven't seen that much (if ever) in novels.

I would love to read more! If you could tag me or let me know when you publish more, that would be awesome :)

~ EternalRain




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for your review! Your tips were definitely helpful and I%u2019ll be sure to tag you when I post the next chapter. Thanks again!



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Sun Feb 03, 2019 6:56 am
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neptune wrote a review...



Hey MJ! So I wrote an entire review for this, and it somehow deleted, so I guess I'm back for round two?

I remember reading the previous version of this a while back, and I was interested to see how this is different. The different method you used to start the novel off this time around was neat - I see you've started chapter one off with some action and intensity!

Now, as cool as it was to be thrust into this world with some action so soon, it was also overwhelming. For a reader reading the first chapter to a novel, with basically knowing nothing about the characters or world - it's kind of risky starting with action-filled scenes! I think the writing was very well written and you had a perfect amount of description, but I'm still kind of lost with what all is going on. I don't exactly know the government situation, the headquarters thing, or the entire mission. These will all be answered in due time, I'm sure, but I think my main point is that I'm not entirely... connected with the characters?

With all that said, though, I'm excited for the next chapter because we were left with a cliffhanger and so many questions! I'm hoping several chapters in the future we get to know the characters more personally, and even maybe have slower-paced chapters after the fast-paced one here. I'd love to get to know the characters more, as I feel like this chapter was more focused on the "mission".

I would even suggest a prologue might work in your favor, but quite honestly, I don't know if you need one - if there's a lot of excess background information, it might benefit the story, but as long as major character/situation questions are answered in the future soon, it might not be necessary. Maybe just something to keep in mind, though!

I still really like Skylar. I remember her in Stella Magenta and she's still as cool as she was before - I'm glad not much has changed. It's interesting to see new faces, too. I'm curious if her father still plays a part in the story like your previous version? I'm actually glad you rebooted this! It's cool to see you start this with a new direction in a slightly different method - I think it could really strengthen your overall plot and concept.

Can't wait for the next chapter of this. Hopefully this review helped; it was a little scattered because I accidentally deleted my original review, darn.




Atticus says...


Thanks so much for the review neptune! I agree that I could use a bit more set-up before just thrusting the reader into action, so I'll work on incorporating that on the next draft. Skylar is my favorite character, too, although I think you'll also like another character I'm going to introduce soon :D. Thanks again for your help!




I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short