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16+ Language

Lovely Metaphors

by Traves


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

(If you wish first to know the prompt that I did not do justice to, scroll down to the end.)

Lovely Metaphors

I’d been eating the ice-cream for too long

Hands numb, face freezing and I thought

Man! Those ‘cookies’ were really strong

The army can’t move me from this spot.

But then someone who could, walked by

And at glacial speed I heard my mind tell

Y’know, third time’s a charm but for that,

you gotta first give it a second try

I got up and murmured “eh what the hell.”

And thus unfolded my lovely ways to die. 

at the café door her visage presented clearly

just like my favourite, poorly writ love stories

My heart skipped a beat and that cost me dearly

As it skipped another, and then a few too many

And I fell down, convulsing and thinking clearly,

Oh crap, love at first sight.

And then I fucking died. 


But then I heard the voice in my head say

Love at ‘first sight in seven years’ doesn’t count

Even if the first time she never could stay

Since then you have also lost 50 pounds,

(and you’re going to die of cold out here, anyway) 

By the time I stumbled into the warmth

She’d started serving with that smile,

Which made me forget to breathe

( just like the movies said)

Which inexplicably went on for a while,

( NOT like the movies said)

thus I turned blue and swooned

And then I fucking died. 


When I opened my eyes and looked

Her pretty face above me I thought

The power of love resurrected me!

( The power of fresh air more like)

Sang that snarky voice inside

She must’ve seen something in me, though

Because soon I was drinking some coffee

And she was sitting beside.

As we caught up and chatted

her eyes twinkled and I thought

Am I supposed to see this?

Isn’t the narrator supposed to tell us?

Of twinkling eyes and fluttering hearts?

But presently the twinkle seemed

to be getting more intense

the light in her eyes got pretty dense

Her Superman laser eyes blasted me,

“Oh” I aptly said and fell out of my seat.

And then, if ever I lied,

then I fucking died.

.

I woke up one evening on a floor bare

In a café, and wow, she was there

The one who got away, beguiling.

I sat up; found my courage and my coffee

Beside her and flippantly remarked

“Hi! How are you?”

“How high are you?”

She asked as she tilted her head, smiling

“And how high are you?” I ventured.

“Just a little bit.” She whispered loudly

and I guffawed stealthily in response

Hours later we were still talking,

I had died only a few more times,

Once of the indigestion caused 

by the butterflies in my stomach

Once because of the blood loss caused

by casting my eyes to the floor

when she made a dirty joke.

Somehow I managed to avoid

all romantic breathing disorders

And told her I still loved her, and that

I never really wanted to let her go,

“Oh, cry me a river” she cruelly replied,

“That one’s for tragedies, is it not?”

I choked out as I started to cry

The tears never really stopped

All of my internal organs were dry

Oh atleast a puddle if not a river, I thought

And then I fucking died.



(Prompt - It's in the middle of the rainy night and you just missed the last bus back home. You head to the cafe across the street to evade the rain. Inside, the waiter/waitress surprises you with a special drink, a bit of kindness and the realization that this person was the 'one who got away'. )


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Mon Jul 02, 2018 9:01 am
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Radrook wrote a review...



This is truly a very lovely, spell-binding poem. I understand it as a description of constant frustration when repeatedly becoming infatuated at first sight and then finding out that it had all been a mirage. A change of mind does require a type of death and a rebirth. We are no longer the infatuated person we had been moments before. So the experience over and over can get to feel that way.

I love the way that the poem emphasizes this experience via the refrain "And then I F died!" The profanity very effectively conveys the anger at oneself for falling for it once again. Such disappointments if repeated often enough will get to be expected.

The diction, the pacing and the imagery are all perfect and contribute to the general mood of resignation to what is finally perceived as inevitable.


The only suggestions I have are in punctuation.



Punctuation Suggestions

I’d been eating the ice-cream for too long[,]

[h]ands numb, face freezing[,] and I thought[:]

‘Man! Those ‘cookies’ were really strong[!]

The army can’t move me from this spot.’

But then someone who could, walked by

[a]nd at glacial speed I heard my mind tell[:]

[‘]Y’know, third time’s a charm but for that,

you gotta first give it a second try.[’]

I got up and murmured “[E]h what the hell.”

And thus unfolded my lovely ways to die.

[A]t the café door her visage presented clearly[,]

just like my favourite, poorly[-]writ love stories[.]

-

My heart skipped a beat and that cost me dearly

[a]s it skipped another, and then a few too many[,]

[a]nd I fell down, convulsing and thinking clearly[.]

Oh crap, love at first sight.

And then I fucking died.

-

But then I heard the voice in my head say[:]

[‘]Love at ‘first sight in seven years’ doesn’t count.[’]

[e]ven if the first time she never could stay[.]

Since then you have also lost [fifty] pounds,

(and you’re going to die of cold out here, anyway)

By the time I stumbled into the warmth[,]

[s]he’d started serving with that smile,

[w]hich made me forget to breathe

( just like the movies said)

Which inexplicably went on for a while,

( NOT like the movies said)

[T]hus I turned blue and swooned[.]

And then I fucking died.



When I opened my eyes and [saw][,]

[h]er pretty face above me[,] I thought

[t]he power of love [had] resurrected me!

( The power of fresh air more like)

[s]ang that snarky voice inside[.]

She must’ve seen something in me, though[,]

[b]ecause soon I was drinking some coffee

[a]nd she was sitting beside.

As we caught up and chatted[,]

her eyes twinkled and I thought[:]

[‘]Am I supposed to see this?

Isn’t the narrator supposed to tell us

[o]f twinkling eyes and fluttering hearts?[’]

But [presently] the twinkle [seems]

to be getting more intense

the light in her eyes got pretty dense[.]

Her Superman laser eyes blasted me,

“Oh” I aptly said and fell out of my seat.

And then, if ever I lied,

then I fucking died.

.

I woke up one evening on a floor[,] bare[,]

[in]a café, and wow[!], she was there[!]

The one who got away, beguiling.

I sat up; found my courage and my coffee

[b]eside her and flippantly remarked[:]

“Hi! How are you?”

“How high are you?”

[s]he asked as she tilted her head, smiling[.]

“And how high are you?” I ventured.

“Just a little bit.” [s]he whispered loudly

and I guffawed stealthily in response[.]

-

Hours later we were still talking[.]

I had died only a few more times,

[o]nce of the indigestion caused

by the butterflies in my stomach[,]

[o]nce because of the blood[-]loss caused

by casting my eyes to the floor

when she made a dirty joke.

-

Somehow I managed to avoid

all romantic breathing disorders

[a]nd told her I still loved her, and that

I never really wanted to let her go[.]

“Oh, cry me a river[,]” she cruelly replied,

“That one’s for tragedies, is it not?”

I choked out as I started to cry[.]

The tears never really stopped[.]

All of my internal organs were dry[.]

[‘]Oh [at least] a puddle if not a river,[’] I thought[,]

[a]nd then I fucking died.




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Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:52 am
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SirenCymbaline wrote a review...



Okay, full disclosure: I like this a lot. It's got a sweet quirky feeling to it that gets to me.
Especially the 'and then I fucking died' bits. They're a sincere punch, and I like reading things that punch me with sincere relatability, and don't dance around just how viscerally their feelings are felt.

It could just be a poem about how she was pretty and that made the narrator feel things, but damn it just keeps escalating. Her twinkles turn into Superman laser eyes.
That was probably the part where I really got hooked.
And lines like 'I had died only a few more times' just killed me with how funny it was. And also pain.
This is the kinda thing where I laugh at the narrator's pain, while feeling it as well.

I'll admit I was confused the first time I read it. Not sure why. Something to do with the rhythmic structure, and the fact that I refused to read the prompt before reading the poem because I think that things should still make sense on their own even if you read the prompt last.

But it made perfect sense the second time. And it was just really fun the third time. I like watching the wacky comical metaphorical organ pains this guy keeps going through.
And I liked the dialogue, it had it's own biting charm to it.

My feelings on the structure are so mixed. The rhyming is tight, and I love each line individually, but for some reason when I put them together I keep getting lost when I try to work out the rhythm. I honestly don't know why, and if I tried to tell you how to fix it I'd probably just break it instead, so take what you will from that, I guess.

I hope this feedback was useful in some way or another, and keep it up, buddy.
I'd definitely love to see more like this.




Traves says...


Thanks!
The reason for the inconsistent rhyming is that i did not start out with a fixed rhyme scheme. I thought i was writing free verse until when I'd finished it i saw that many of the closer lines were rhyming. But I then uploaded it anyway lol





I love it so much tho....



Traves says...


I'm glad someone liked it (:



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Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:36 am
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Sree wrote a review...



Hey, Traves!

The title of your poem is intriguing, I could get the totally the vibe of the poem when I read it.The rhyme-scheme is perfect, didn't feel forced, it was with good flow. Just amazing!!

This following lines is a great one, could feel the what the speaker felt, totally in the shoes of his . It was so amazingly portrayed. Could see your potential. BTW, my favourite line in this poem.

My heart skipped a beat and that cost me dearly

As it skipped another, and then a few too many

And I fell down, convulsing and thinking clearly,

Oh crap, love at first sight.

And then I fucking died.


The narration was so great!!! You didn't miss the poetic mixture in ti. Much satisfied reading it.

I love the tone of the poem whenever the line strikes the air And then I fucking died. It made laugh, it has got a humor to it, and the feel blended with it, Boy, I got no words. Just so impressive.

I forwarded this piece to my friends to read it, man, It is written awesome, you know.

Writing exactly how the narrator feels, getting the reader into their skin needs a skill. You know what? I felt each bit of the feel.

I could empathize peak of the love through these lines:
When I opened my eyes and looked

Her pretty face above me I thought

The power of love resurrected me!

(The power of fresh air more like)

Sang that snarky voice inside
-
Isn’t the narrator supposed to tell us?

Of twinkling eyes and fluttering hearts? Oh yeah, you just did it awesome

But presently the twinkle seemed

to be getting more intense

the light in her eyes got pretty dense

Her Superman laser eyes blasted me,

“Oh” I aptly said and fell out of my seat.

And then, if ever I lied,

then I fucking died.


It was so moving. LOVE IS THE ONE WHICH MAKES COME BACK TO LIVE AND KILLS US.So Intense and so true.

The highlight of the poem are well engraved by these lines.
The tears never really stopped

All of my internal organs were dry

Oh atleast a puddle if not a river, I thought

And then I fucking died.



The worst questions the lover asks us does feel miserable. Beautifully portrayed. This is a perfect romance, many people relate to it.


My favorite lines:
By the time I stumbled into the warmth

She’d started serving with that smile,

Which made me forget to breathe

(just like the movies said)

Which inexplicably went on for a while,

(NOT like the movies said)

thus I turned blue and swooned

And then I fucking died.


Again the tone, awesome. My favorite lines just embedded whole in your poem, then i got to paste the whole work. I very much enjoyed the read.


Overall, it was a perfect piece with good imagination, emotion(well, that was so strongly felt) portrayal of thoughts well established.

was totally into it.

Great job! Looking forward for more of your works. :)


Keep up the awesome writing!!

This one was unique and epic, I felt great reading this. Thanks for sharing your work. :)




Traves says...


Oh man. I don't deserve this review xD

Thank you so much!



Sree says...


You're welcome. You totally deserve it, pal. :)




Carpe Diem
— Catullus