This is truly a very lovely, spell-binding poem. I understand it as a description of constant frustration when repeatedly becoming infatuated at first sight and then finding out that it had all been a mirage. A change of mind does require a type of death and a rebirth. We are no longer the infatuated person we had been moments before. So the experience over and over can get to feel that way.
I love the way that the poem emphasizes this experience via the refrain "And then I F died!" The profanity very effectively conveys the anger at oneself for falling for it once again. Such disappointments if repeated often enough will get to be expected.
The diction, the pacing and the imagery are all perfect and contribute to the general mood of resignation to what is finally perceived as inevitable.
The only suggestions I have are in punctuation.
Punctuation Suggestions
I’d been eating the ice-cream for too long[,]
[h]ands numb, face freezing[,] and I thought[:]
‘Man! Those ‘cookies’ were really strong[!]
The army can’t move me from this spot.’
But then someone who could, walked by
[a]nd at glacial speed I heard my mind tell[:]
[‘]Y’know, third time’s a charm but for that,
you gotta first give it a second try.[’]
I got up and murmured “[E]h what the hell.”
And thus unfolded my lovely ways to die.
[A]t the café door her visage presented clearly[,]
just like my favourite, poorly[-]writ love stories[.]
-
My heart skipped a beat and that cost me dearly
[a]s it skipped another, and then a few too many[,]
[a]nd I fell down, convulsing and thinking clearly[.]
Oh crap, love at first sight.
And then I fucking died.
-
But then I heard the voice in my head say[:]
[‘]Love at ‘first sight in seven years’ doesn’t count.[’]
[e]ven if the first time she never could stay[.]
Since then you have also lost [fifty] pounds,
(and you’re going to die of cold out here, anyway)
By the time I stumbled into the warmth[,]
[s]he’d started serving with that smile,
[w]hich made me forget to breathe
( just like the movies said)
Which inexplicably went on for a while,
( NOT like the movies said)
[T]hus I turned blue and swooned[.]
And then I fucking died.
When I opened my eyes and [saw][,]
[h]er pretty face above me[,] I thought
[t]he power of love [had] resurrected me!
( The power of fresh air more like)
[s]ang that snarky voice inside[.]
She must’ve seen something in me, though[,]
[b]ecause soon I was drinking some coffee
[a]nd she was sitting beside.
As we caught up and chatted[,]
her eyes twinkled and I thought[:]
[‘]Am I supposed to see this?
Isn’t the narrator supposed to tell us
[o]f twinkling eyes and fluttering hearts?[’]
But [presently] the twinkle [seems]
to be getting more intense
the light in her eyes got pretty dense[.]
Her Superman laser eyes blasted me,
“Oh” I aptly said and fell out of my seat.
And then, if ever I lied,
then I fucking died.
.
I woke up one evening on a floor[,] bare[,]
[in]a café, and wow[!], she was there[!]
The one who got away, beguiling.
I sat up; found my courage and my coffee
[b]eside her and flippantly remarked[:]
“Hi! How are you?”
“How high are you?”
[s]he asked as she tilted her head, smiling[.]
“And how high are you?” I ventured.
“Just a little bit.” [s]he whispered loudly
and I guffawed stealthily in response[.]
-
Hours later we were still talking[.]
I had died only a few more times,
[o]nce of the indigestion caused
by the butterflies in my stomach[,]
[o]nce because of the blood[-]loss caused
by casting my eyes to the floor
when she made a dirty joke.
-
Somehow I managed to avoid
all romantic breathing disorders
[a]nd told her I still loved her, and that
I never really wanted to let her go[.]
“Oh, cry me a river[,]” she cruelly replied,
“That one’s for tragedies, is it not?”
I choked out as I started to cry[.]
The tears never really stopped[.]
All of my internal organs were dry[.]
[‘]Oh [at least] a puddle if not a river,[’] I thought[,]
[a]nd then I fucking died.
Points: 664
Reviews: 841
Donate