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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Augury of RiverClan - Chapter 3.1

by Riverlight


Graypaw's eyes swelled with grief as Quickflash dragged Pinkeyes's limp body into camp. Strikeclaw followed, Havenpaw leaning heavily on the larger cat. The apprentice's muzzle was dripping with sweat and blood, and he was missing several patches of fur. Ripplepaw and Mothear followed, neither of them looking happy.

"ThunderClan has taken the Sunningrocks!" Strikeclaw called, his grim mew echoing throughout the camp. "Pinkeyes is dead!"

"No!" hissed Graypaw angrily, her mew tinged with grief. She watched Minnowfeather and Tinypaw stop sharing tongues and race over to the patrol.

Shorestar padded out of her den and yowled, "Let all cats old enough to swim gather to hear our words!" She turned and glanced at Tawnybird. "Are the hunting patrols back yet?"

"No," he answered darkly, golden pelt bristling. "StarClan willing, they'll all make it back okay."

Meanwhile, Pinestep and Berryfur had taken Havenpaw from Strikeclaw, nosing the apprentice into the medicine den. "I'll be alright," he coughed hoarsely. "I want to watch the meeting."

Mousebrain! Graypaw thought. You look like you'd fall over the moment they let you go. Let them take care of you.

"You'll hear it just fine while we treat your wounds," Pinestep mewed sternly, narrowing her green eyes. "If I have to make Berryfur sit on your head so I can make sure you don't die, I will."

Berryfur purred. "She isn't kidding." Graypaw watched as the old cat looked over Havenpaw's body nose to tail tip. "Goldenrod, poppyseeds, and horsetail will do, I think."

"Cobwebs wouldn't hurt, either," Pinestep added.

Their conversation faded, and Graypaw turned her attention onto Shorestar. Graypaw's mother was listening to Strikeclaw, eyes shadowed with fear and worry. "...after Peltstone fell to the ground, I saw Havenpaw and Pinkeyes fighting Leafpaw, Morningstep's apprentice. Pinkeyes saved Havenpaw's life at the cost of her own; she's a hero."

Several of their Clanmates mewed in agreement. From the opening of the elders den, Lightningsong called, "We should take revenge on them and show the full strength of our Clan!"

"Yes!" Sunsetfur agreed. "ThunderClan has stolen our land! We must take revenge."

Shorestar held up her tail for silence and shook her head. "No... Tonight, we will sit vigil for Pinkeyes. In three days, we will bring our grievance up at the Gathering. Antstar and Shrewstar will not stand for ThunderClan stealing another Clan's land."

"What about Flintstar and the medicine cats?" a black tom with blind eyes asked. "Strikeclaw says Pearnose took it as a sign."

"Pearnose is wrong, Rookfeather," Pinestep mewed as she left the medicine den. "StarClan would have spoken to us; they did not want this to happen. The Sunningrocks are ours. Flamingstar had no interest in the Sunningrocks before the flood; he should have no interest in them now."

"Nonetheless, Shorestar is right," Tawnybird replied. "The other Clans will not stand for this. Our ancestors will disapprove of what Flamingstar has done."

Graypaw turned to her mentor, Dewwhisker. The older cat was cleaning one of her paws as she listened to their Clanmates. "It sounds to me," she said after a moment, "like StarClan has spoken. Each Clan has lost one cat, and Havenpaw is badly injured. There was no prey on the Sunningrocks; our elders and queens merely basked in the rays of daylight because we could. The flood would've had to have been caused by StarClan. They chose to take Barkfur, didn't they?"

"The young cat has a point!" Halfface coughed. "Are we positive that Pinestep is not mistaken?"

"Do you doubt your medicine cat?" Speckleheart's tail tip twitched with annoyance as her ears flicked towards the elder. "Pinestep and Berryfur have never led us wrong."

"Our ancestors would never do this to us!" another cat called.

"Pinestep speaks the truth!"

"But what if Dewwhisker and Halfface are right?"

"Then they'll send a new sign!"

All at once, the Clan descended into chaos as the cats began to bicker. Shorestar yowled for silence, but was unsuccessful. Graypaw looked at her mentor and mewed, "This won't end well, will it?"

"I doubt it, little one," Dewwhisker replied grimly, her voice tinged with fear. "May StarClan help us all."


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Tue Apr 20, 2021 1:03 pm
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume back again, here with another review!

Ooh wow. I really loved reading this section! Something about the way you write is just so engaging. (I know I said that last time, but IT'S TRUE.) You write with a practiced air and it is so impressive. Maybe it's the staggering lack of grammatical errors, but whatever it may be, it's really great.

One thing I really enjoyed was your sentence progression/variation. I think the flow of the actual prose was really impressive. The way you input dialogue is so casually effortless. Every sentence seems like it belongs in the places. It's one of those things that I read and I don't feel like I'm reading, you know? I feel like I'm experiencing it. It's really great work you have here, and I hope you know that.

One thing I will comment on is the pacing. Like Star said, I feel like Pinkeye's death was kind of brushed over. I didn't feel as sad as I really should. The immediate segue into planning for retailiation (get it? reTAILiation? cause they're cats? ah never mind) really made this go by so fast and I feel like you could have drawn it out a bit longer. This would also be a great way to characterize. Grief brings out a lot of interesting character aspects in people, so I'm curious what it would do to your characters.Also I want longer chapters your stuff is so great to read aaaa I do acknowledge that grief tends to slow down a story, and if you're looking for that fast paced action, it might not be the right choice. It's just something to keep in mind!

Also, I wondered about the POV. If I'm not mistaken, it seems to be switching? The reason I ask is because I can't really pin down who's POV it's from. Maybe it's the names. The switches are pretty subtle in my mind, and it creates this niggling confusion in the back of my mind. I'd suggest reinforcing them in a more explicit way. (Also, if the POVs aren't switching and I'm just confused and can't get these names straight, you can just ignore this part.)

I don't really have any specific suggestions. Grammar/formatting wise, this piece was pretty spotless. Nice work!

Overall: really great job! I love reading your stuff, and I know I'll definitely be back for more. Until next time!




Riverlight says...


I have to admit I didn't see that un until you pointed it out but now I can't stop laughing XDDD

Yes, my pacing is horrible XD I'm not particularly good at that sort of ting c:

I have 4 POV's I'm using-- Ripplepaw, Graypaw, Havenpaw, and Riverpaw. Im simultaneously telling one story and four stories at once and I love it c:

Thanks for the review!



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Wed Mar 17, 2021 9:47 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



how dare you kill pinkeyes :(

Graypaw's eyes swelled with grief as Quickflash dragged Pinkeyes's limp body into camp.


NOOOOOO HOW COULD YOU??!?!?!?!?!

Ripplepaw and Mothear followed, neither of them looking happy.


I almost feel like the latter part of this sentence is a bit unnecessary, because after that, I can't imagine how any of them would be happy xD

Mousebrain! Graypaw thought. You look like you'd fall over the moment they let you go. Let them take care of you.


omg Graypaw <333 she's so precious

I am a bit surprised though, that there isn't much mourning about Pinkeyes? She was such a sweet cat and just got her warrior name from saving another - I thought people would be super devastated at her loss. But there weren't many strong reactions, and her death was kinda brushed over. I do think it could be a bit more emotional / elaborated on, otherwise her death doesn't really seem like a significant loss, you know? Like if the characters in the novel aren't feeling that sad, then your reader might have a hard time missing Pinkeyes as well. Just a thought! ^_^ although it was would hurt my heart BECAUSE I LOVE PINKEYES, it would be awesome if her death was more emotional cx

Shorestar held up her tail for silence and shook her head.


haha, I love how the cats hold up their tails to shush others xD

Flamingstar had no interest in the Sunningrocks before the flood; he should have no interest in them now."


That's something that also came into my mind, so I'm glad I'm not the only one xD

Speckleheart's tail tip twitched with annoyance as her ears flicked towards the elder.


You are doing this a lot, expressing emotions through actions, and I think it's AWESOME! it makes this much more colourful to read and brings some very vivid, specific images to my mind. it's also nice to include in between dialogue to slow things down, which also is effective in building tension c:

All at once, the Clan descended into chaos as the cats began to bicker.


I love how the dialogue before this all leads up to this one sentence and everything falls apart oof xD and ahh Graypaw seems so tiny and innocent by her last little statement <3 I'm not really sure how old she is / how mature, but it makes me feel bad because it sounds like she's growing up too fast and is going to face so much at such a young age :/ or maybe she's already of a high age and I missed it oops cx

okay something that randomly occurred to me is that I wonder what the main conflict / focus of this story is going to be!!! (this is just a rhetorical question, you don't have to tell me, so that way things will still be a ~mystery~ for me cx) I'm wondering if this is going to focus on the clash between clans over a matter of issues? Or perhaps it's going to be about the growth of the RiverClan, and throughout the course of the story, they face many trails and tribulations, like this land dispute. Orrr I'm curious if it's more internal; the growth of the cats, watching them grow up and learn more as they get their warrior names and face a lot of challenges, like the deaths of their family and friends </3 I am excited to find out!!!!

but please don't kill too many of them >.>




Riverlight says...


NOOOOOO HOW COULD YOU??!?!?!?!?!

uwu

I almost feel like the latter part of this sentence is a bit unnecessary, because after that, I can't imagine how any of them would be happy xD

What if one of them had hoped she would die for a reason? Then they'd be happy

You are doing this a lot, expressing emotions through actions, and I think it's AWESOME! it makes this much more colourful to read and brings some very vivid, specific images to my mind. it's also nice to include in between dialogue to slow things down, which also is effective in building tension c:

omg tysm i've been working on this for ages XD

I love how the dialogue before this all leads up to this one sentence and everything falls apart oof xD and ahh Graypaw seems so tiny and innocent by her last little statement <3 I'm not really sure how old she is / how mature, but it makes me feel bad because it sounds like she's growing up too fast and is going to face so much at such a young age :/ or maybe she's already of a high age and I missed it oops cx

so like the cats don't really keep track of ages rip birthdays but in my head she and her brothers are almost a year old!

I am a bit surprised though, that there isn't much mourning about Pinkeyes? She was such a sweet cat and just got her warrior name from saving another - I thought people would be super devastated at her loss. But there weren't many strong reactions, and her death was kinda brushed over. I do think it could be a bit more emotional / elaborated on, otherwise her death doesn't really seem like a significant loss, you know? Like if the characters in the novel aren't feeling that sad, then your reader might have a hard time missing Pinkeyes as well. Just a thought! ^_^ although it was would hurt my heart BECAUSE I LOVE PINKEYES, it would be awesome if her death was more emotional cx

My thinking here is that instead of being sad they are ~angry~ and ~bloodthirsty~ for revenge c: And then they can be sad at her funeral in the morning which I decided not to write rip

okay something that randomly occurred to me is that I wonder what the main conflict / focus of this story is going to be!!! (this is just a rhetorical question, you don't have to tell me, so that way things will still be a ~mystery~ for me cx) I'm wondering if this is going to focus on the clash between clans over a matter of issues? Or perhaps it's going to be about the growth of the RiverClan, and throughout the course of the story, they face many trails and tribulations, like this land dispute. Orrr I'm curious if it's more internal; the growth of the cats, watching them grow up and learn more as they get their warrior names and face a lot of challenges, like the deaths of their family and friends </3 I am excited to find out!!!!

I so wanna tell you but also not XD Just a heasup, tho, next chapter is with Ripplepaw and I develop him a little bit~

And then I'm gonna do Havenpaw and so that way we've seen bits and pieces from all four of them~ c:

but please don't kill too many of them >.>

I'm not gonna say who, but I have planned a few more deaths already, forgive me ToT



starlitmind says...


What if one of them had hoped she would die for a reason? Then they'd be happy


OMG-

thanks for all of your wonderful explanations, I really appreciate it!!! ^_^

I'm not gonna say who, but I have planned a few more deaths already, forgive me ToT


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY HEART DX




a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn