Young Writers Society

Hey hey <3

ahh I love the descriptions in the first paragraph!! such a peaceful and vivid image c:

People strolled between the small line of shops and stalls on either side of the main street, sat outside the cafe, rode their bicycles down the ancient cobblestone.

Natalia sighed and tossed them back into the basket. "I know, you warned me last week-- and the week before that." The emmisary smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "More requests for upgrading the roads, replacing burnt-out street lights, and I believe there was one there about moving the Spring festival from the town square to the field by the Northwest Brook."

It never felt quite natural to her, having so much control over others

It had been different when she was leading a peaceful combat against the Anti-Emissaries who wanted to destroy the government; she was one with the people then.

Across the table, one of the women muttered, "You should not allow them to rally. If they can't band together, they are no threat."

A different man replied harshly, "That would only make them angry, and they would meet in secret anyway."

"Go home. Try not to think about it tonight."

Okay, back for your harsh review! I have read all the chapters you've come out with so far, and I'm going to spread out my feelings about the overall plot in reviews to all the chapters. In this one, I will bring up the things that seem most relevant in this chapter. But I liked this, well written, and really good worldbuilding.

A. You have not, as of yet, picked a plotline.
This chapter is interesting and definitely well written, but there seems to be point to it. There is too much going on for this to be normal life before the story, and too little to be the story itself. I found this in reading ahead, things keep happening with no real plot framework. I still don't really know why I should be here, the characters are not super relatable/likable yet, and there is no defined plot to hook me in. The base idea is good, (That being a revolution story being told from the perspective of those in power,) and the pros themselves are pretty strong, but the stage between the base idea and the actual words on the page things seem to get lost.
It's like you can't choose what you want. Is the story started or is it not? Is this a history or a story?
That brings me to my next point. Sorry if it's harsh... but that''s what this is for
B. My precise setting syndrome
I think you have a case of my precise setting syndrome. This is a common thing among game masters in role-playing games. When instead of giving the players a fun adventure with choices and action, the Gm just shows them the world they have worked so hard to world build. And it's always cool to have a Gm who world builds, but it's not fun when they the game just feels like a tour of their fragile world that you can't touch. They forget to make an fun adventure in lu of showing you there intricately built world. You seemed to have kinda done this, you have obviously put a lot of work into building a really cool world. But let me let you in on a little secret, most readers don't give a crap about your world. They. Want. Story. They want characters doing interesting, cool, and crazy things. They want tension and building stakes and bad guys and a climax.
Show us a story with characters not a world with inhabitants.
BUT
And this is a big but.
Some people really do like reading a written history of a made-up world. That is why things like The Silmarillion exist. If you are building a dope world and then giving us a view into this really well-built world, more power to you! Just know most people won't care, and those who will are only interested if it's a really amazing world that makes sense. You seem to have done a pretty good job at building that!
BUT
this is an even larger but.
having a cool world+dope story=amazing read. And you're already like 75% of the way there!


C. Tiny nitpicks

Her hair shone a deep brown in the bright sun, a color that matched her ambitious eyes. Natalia rolled to a stop in front of the Minor Council House and brushed her dark gray full skirt as she got off. She fitted her bike in an open stand and made her way through the tall, carved door and up the quartz staircase to her office. The whole lay out of the building was open and full of natural light and greenery, and the dark wood floors and banisters contrasted nicely with the more plentiful whites and light grays of the walls and ceilings.

Her office, though not very large, was full of windows and cushions and books

"You should not allow them to rally. If they can't band together, they are no threat."

Note to self:

You. Forgot. To frickin'. Establish. What. The reformers. ARE ABOUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!


Gosh this is going to make chapter 9 hard XD

Some insight into the politics of the world, huh? Excellent chapter! Though it was upsetting (the kind of upsetting when you don't get as much as you want about what happened in the last chapter/episode/movie). I really enjoyed reading and taking a look at your construction of basic politics. I like how you have both an idea about how your political set up in the "present" is and also obviously an idea about how it's going to be after this revealed/hinted rebellion.

I like the new character introduction, pretty smooth and I like how you introduced her naturally, LITERALLY.

I honestly don't have any negatives to point out. It's nice and short and makes for a fun and entertaining read. I'm confident that this plot is going somewhere. And I MEAN going somewhere. Like, reading this is going to be a real really realistic adventure!

I have a good feeling about this.

That's it for today.

Yours sincerely,
Myth

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Featuring this lit banner by @whatchamacallit

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this is a bit disjointed from where the previous chapter left off and you did not pay off on the cliffhanger which was rude because now I have to wait but I think this was another fantastic introduction to this character. It almost feels like a separate novel here starting off with the perspective of this other character. Its definitelyn establishing this other side of things pretty well and I can see the subtle ways that this ties into the other one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a warm, breezy mid-morning when Natalia Whitestar coasted into the market of Shanoa on her bicycle. People strolled between the small line of shops and stalls on either side of the main street, sat outside the cafe, rode their bicycles down the ancient cobblestone. There was a murmur of conversation on all sides. A few people waved as their emissary peddled past a modest-sized but exquisitely-fashioned fountain that gurgled cheerily in the middle of the wide square.

Her office, though not very large, was full of windows and cushions and books. She hung her dark blue cardigan on a peg near the door and grabbed a fistful of small papers that had been accumulating in her mail basket. A lithe young woman with dark hair piled in a loose bun atop her head came in as Natalia stood near the window sifting through the papers and frowning. "Good morning, Natalia," she chirped. Natalia looked up. It was Lucy, one of her advisers and closest friends. "You've let your petition slips pile up again," she chided.

Natalia sighed and tossed them back into the basket. "I know, you warned me last week-- and the week before that." The emmisary smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "More requests for upgrading the roads, replacing burnt-out street lights, and I believe there was one there about moving the Spring festival from the town square to the field by the Northwest Brook."

Lucy smiled and shook her head. That had been the sixth petition this month about moving the Spring festival, and all were in favor of different locations. Natalia gave Lucy a wry grin and sat quietly into her swiveling leather desk chair. It didn't really matter anyway. If anyone actually got around to addressing the festival, it wouldn't be until next winter. Late winter probably. In the meantime the festival, the roads, and the light bulbs would all be lost among the more important issues. Like what they were going to do about the remaining Anti-Emissary groups.

The Steward Emissary nodded. Hopefully the Council would yield some better answers than she and her advisers had been able to come up with. It would give her something to go on at the very least.

She sighed slightly and looked up at Lucy. "We'll work it out," she said. Lucy smiled and left her to her work.

Later that evening, Natalia stood outside the heavy wooden door to the Minor Council room. For two years now, she'd been going to these meetings with her advisors, taking on the responsibility of making the right decisions to improve the lives of the over two hundred thousand people in Shanoa court, Misericord's capital. It never felt quite natural to her, having so much control over others. It had been different when she was leading a peaceful combat against the Anti-Emissaries who wanted to destroy the government; she was one with the people then. Now she felt over them in a way. But, they wanted her here their votes had said, and here she was.

Natalia looked around at the seats. One of her six advisers was missing. Lucy, noticing her look, quietly said, "Lady Emissary, Mr. Beacher has sent word that he is no longer willing to attend Council until serious consideration is given to his proposal for reformed government. We didn't know until an hour ago."

"We'll have to continue on without him, then," she said decisively. "I've been thinking about our suggestions for the Council. It seems to me, that the rebels won't be satisfied until they have a new government. Compromise doesn't seem to be an option here." She paused. "So the movement will have to be put down. Either by force or persuasion."

One of the older advisors said, "We should avoid force at all costs; it could ignite violence between the two groups." He spoke firmly, but with deference and that was another thing that was uncomfortable for her-- everyone there was significantly older than her, barring Lucy. It had taken awhile-- and required a bit of patience and understanding from her elders-- for her to settle in to this position. Maybe she was still settling into things.

After a brief discussion of repairing roads and a bit of budgeting, the meeting ended and everyone filed out of the hall. Lucy stayed behind with Natalia. The emissary took off her coronet and turned it over in her hands. "I guess I'll find out tomorrow how things look around the rest of the country," she said thoughtfully. Lucy didn't reply. "We forgot the Spring festival." Still, Lucy said nothing. Natalia sighed and looked at her friend. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

Natalia sighed again and nodded, rising from her seat, no longer toying with her coronet. She bid Lucy goodnight and spent the short ride home wondering if maybe... two years hadn't been quite enough.

It’s really amazing! It’s super descriptive, and I can’t find any problems with it. I like the interactions between characters! The storyline also seems really interesting and creative, and I Like the Main character. This little world you’re building makes me want to know what will come next.