Young Writers Society

HELLO KENDALL. I AM HERE AS PART OF OUR AGREEMENT. I SHALL BEGIN THE REVIEWING, ONE CHAPTER A DAY, SO FIVE DAYS. ^_^

“I have read the reports, and they do not move me one way or another, madame,” the Frenchman interrupted. “And it has done little to move the others in the Security Council, as well.”

Ooh, Birkwood and St. Martin are having a bit of trouble;e agreeing :O
I've noticed for his sentence tags, you said "the French diplomat," "the ancient man," and "the Frenchman interrupted." They are all quite similar, and I think you could just use his name for at least one of those quotation tags ^^

“Well, monsieur, you see… He does matter.” Birkwood looked at the Frenchman directly in the eyes. “Remember my foreign secretary, Mr. Loxley? Your colleague before your promotion to the UN?”

NOOOO LOXLEYYYY

St. Martin let out a hoarse, sarcastic chuckle. “Loxley may be a friend, madame, but I will not risk the security of France to help him.”

Okayyy, I guess I can see where he's coming from... sort of. maybe. okay, not really. BUT WHAT'S WITH THE SARCASTIC CHUCKLE, HM, ST. MARTIN???

Birkwood smirked. “Good day, monsieur. Tonight in your prayers, ask for a heart.”

Omg go Birkwood xD he needs it lol.
like Stringbean, I love the way you've characterized St. Martin. He seems so nonchalant; sarcastic chuckle, doesn't want to get involved in affairs that could hurt him but is going to hurt others if he doesn't, interrupts Birkwood, and even his receding powder white hair might give the impression that he's a bit cruel xD

Also, I love how tough BIrkwood seems. Even with getting rejected, maybe even feeling defeated, she still has the ability to reply with a snarky comment. Nice c:

The fat man happily nodded. “Every moment. And it’s put me in such a good mood that I’ll help you convince Her Majesty to send soldiers into America.”

Um, yay? cx This Schmidt guy seems quite strange and a little bit funny, even. I wonder what he's about...

“Yes,” Schmidt said darkly. “Be it alive or in a box of pine, he will come back.”

(but how will you talk to him if he's not alive?)

Ah okay, so even though Birkwood didn't get mean, old St. Martin on her side, at least she has this Schmidt dude! And maybe they can work together to send people to America and also get Loxley out of there. Poor guy .-.

I'm glad I jumped back into this story! I kinda forgot some of the characters' names because I'm an idiot, but hopefully reading this again will jog up my memory. I'm excited to see how McHale, his family, and their side of the things are going! <3

Hey VP!

Time for another review c:

1.
I think you did really well with your imagery and characterization in this chapter.

“It is… er, how do you say…? Ah, we must remain neutral in American affairs,” the ancient man answered. His powder-white hair was receding, and his long nose stuck out, even on Birkwood’s screen. St. Martin wore enormous glasses that seemed to cover the top half of his face. “It is imperative. I am afraid, madame, that France will not support either side.”

Nice description of the man here. I like that it's short and the details given are significant ones that give a bigger picture than just themselves. I especially like too that you went further than just a factual, objective description of him, instead adding that his nose stuck out "even on Birkwood's screen." It adds some color and also shifts the perspective towards her a little.

You've also got more character action bits in here seems like, which is nice. Things like Birkwood pinching the bridge of her nose before her dialogue, brushing a bit of hair away, looking St. Martin in the eye. You've got his chuckle, Schmidt's sadistic enthusiasm, and his physical description is nice too. The touches of imagery support your good characterization and make the characters more alive on the page. Nice job.

2.
Going off that, St. Martin especially is very well characterized, and it comes about very quickly in his first few lines, then builds as his reactions and words show how heartless he is. And I really like Birkwood's line there--

Birkwood smirked. “Good day, monsieur. Tonight in your prayers, ask for a heart.”

3.
Looooxleeeyyyyyy ToT

4.
The building of the plot here is very easy to follow, all flows nice. The implications, both on personal and political levels, are clear.

So overall, I think this is a really great chapter! I'm catching up! XD

- Stringbean

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! The last one for your story.

First Impression: Hmm another scene showing the rest of the world. This one's pretty short again but it does make the plot move forward so that makes it okay. And so far I think Birkwood is definitely a pretty memorable character too. Much easier to keep track of than the rest of the McHale family because at this point I only remember grandpa and I think maybe Emma. And will be interesting to see what the French do.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“We will maintain our course of action, Madame Prime Minister,” the French diplomat said. “You have made your case.”

Ellen Birkwood stared at the UN Security Council with cold, harsh eyes. “Why, Monsieur St. Martin? Why do you continue to turn your back on the Americans?”

Hmm...well someone is not happy with that turn of events.

Birkwood pinched the bridge of her nose. “Based on reports received from our Mexican and Canadian allies--”

“I have read the reports, and they do not move me one way or another, madame,” the Frenchman interrupted. “And it has done little to move the others in the Security Council, as well.”

Well I respect that guy now although I know I will never remember his name.

“Well, monsieur, you see… He does matter.” Birkwood looked at the Frenchman directly in the eyes. “Remember my foreign secretary, Mr. Loxley? Your colleague before your promotion to the UN?”

“Beauregard is no field agent,” St. Martin said calmly.

“He is now.”

St. Martin adjusted his giant glasses. “You’re bluffing.”

“You tell me.”

Well that was a dirty move there. I obviously forgot that this even happened but umm I think you foreshadowed this earlier so this would be a nice payoff for that to see Birkwood in action getting things done one way or another.

“That went splendidly,” a male voice said from beside her. Out of sight of the cameras, the Opposition Leader had listened in on the meeting. He was a short, fat man, rather resembling some kind of Dwarf, with beady black eyes. His giant, overgrown gray sideburns had grown outwards along his jawline instead of downward.

“You just loved that, didn’t you, Schmidt?”

The fat man happily nodded. “Every moment. And it’s put me in such a good mood that I’ll help you convince Her Majesty to send soldiers into America.”

Well interesting character trait to have there.

“He will come back.”

“Yes,” Schmidt said darkly. “Be it alive or in a box of pine, he will come back.”

That last line....*standing ovation* . That's it. I have no other words for that one.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Okay this plot is starting to show me things now. I can see the shape of the first part of it clearly. I'll be able to comment more on that soon. And well that's about all I need to say here. Looking forward for more chapters!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry