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"Can you keep a secret?"

by TheMulticoloredCyr


“Can you keep a secret?” the words rub against the air like sandpaper. I imagine the snow is the remains of the silence that hung to thickly a moment ago, scraped to fluttering dust.

A snowflake drifts down as I contemplate the question, swaying, looping, steadily downward…. “I guess.”

The girl giggles, and I can’t tell if her cheeks are red with glee or the cold. “This way,” she says, bouncing on her heels. Somehow she manages to keep balanced in her chunky black platforms as she teeters back, then abruptly forward into an energetic stride. Even in the boots, she’s an inch or two shorter than me, but she moves like a mouse on caffeine. My strides may have been longer, but I struggle to keep pace as she leads the way to secret she’s so excited to reveal.

Through the haze of snow, and far down the dirt country road, I just barely make out the shadowy form of a crooked old barn. As we get closer, I can see that it’s leaning, bent under the weight of years and years of neglect. My heart flutters as the girl finally reaches the barn and whirls around to face me, giggling as she leans against the graffitied slats.

“Come on!” she says cheerily, crossing her arms across her bare stomach. I don’t know how she can stand to wear a crop top in this weather, even under a winter coat, which hangs open, loose around her. Like she doesn’t need it.

I finally catch up and I’m out of breath. She’s giggling. “Glad you could join me, slow poke.”

I give a playful glare and straighten my posture. “What did you want to show me?”

She gestures to the barn, “Do you believe in ghosts?” she asks in a false-whisper.

I roll my eyes, “No.”

“Good, ‘cause they’re not real,” she laughs and whirls around once more, her open jacket swinging to hit my middle, which is far more bundled up than I think she’s ever been. Her ungloved hands work to pull open the door, a task of which she must put all of her rather pathetic quantity of weight. Only once it creaked open a crack did I realize that maybe I should help, but it was too late. She gestured for me to follow before darting into the dark.

I sigh. This is a bad idea. I barely know this girl.

Of course, before I can finish that thought, I’m already squeezing into the rickety old barn.

I blinked, my eyes slowly adjusting to the dark. The girl was perched on a bench on the opposite side of the barn with what might be properly described as a tome open in her lap.

“Um…”

“Sit down,” she said, patting the space beside her.

My nerves jittering, I did as I was told.

The page she was open to was written in some kind of old-looking language, with some passages in what I knew was latin. There were pictures as well. Symbols that could only be occult in nature, carefully drawn in between blocks of text.

“Are...are you going to summon a demon?” I asked. My heat was in my throat, beating, suffocating.

She hummed, balancing her elbows on the book, resting her chin on her laced fingers, “That depends. Can you keep a secret?” 


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8 Reviews


Points: 38
Reviews: 8

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Sat Oct 17, 2020 9:56 pm
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Wallflower23 wrote a review...



Wowza ok. Am I a little freaked by the manic energy and constant giggling of this girl. Yes sir I certainly am. She seems so off I have no clue why this kid is following her.

However the description in this story is WONDERFUL. Truly. I love the descriptions of the snow, the way the flakes swirl around. I love the confusion and description of the girls attire. I love how the barn was described though I thought you could have gone a bit more in depth, especially once you get inside or when she is pulling on the door.

I like the fake out about ghosts too. That was a nice touch. Especially since you jump to summoning daemon's rather than just communing with he dead.

I think this was a really great little excerpt and would be wonderful to develop. For example I want to know more about this girl. The narrator mentions that they don't know much about her at one point and it just makes me wonder "well what DO you know about her?" Do they know enough to make them want to fallow her to an abandoned barn to summon demons?

I also want to see the narrator developed a bit more and obviously see where this goes.

Anyway just my thoughts, you are under no obligation to change a darn thing!

Thanks for sharing!!






Thanks for the review! I'm really glad you enjoyed it:)



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Sun Oct 11, 2020 7:42 am
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Euphoria8 wrote a review...



I must say, this story was a pure wonder! Everything is so much like a mystery and I really didn't want to follow thie girl but I wanted to know this 'secret' as well!

Shadow mentioned a whole lot of the things that I thought so I'll only say that I adored the way you created this visual of the girl.

"Somehow she manages to keep balanced in her chunky black platforms as she teeters back, then abruptly forward into an energetic stride."

"Her ungloved hands work to pull open the door, a task of which she must put all of her rather pathetic quantity of weight."

"She hummed, balancing her elbows on the book, resting her chin on her laced fingers, "That depends. Can you keep a secret?"

Talk about being CHILLED TO THE BONES. Great job, fellow author!

Thank you for sharing and keep growing <3






Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed my work :)



Euphoria8 says...


You're welcome! And I sure did XD



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38 Reviews


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Sun Oct 11, 2020 12:41 am
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ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey there! I was drawn to this story by the title, and now that I'm done reading it, I thought I'd review it!

“Can you keep a secret?” the words rub against the air like sandpaper.


I like the idea of reusing the title as the story's first line. It's just as intriguing, and starts off the conversation. However, the sentence The words rub against the air like sandpaper should start with a capital letter.

I don’t know how she can stand to wear a crop top in this weather, even under a winter coat, which hangs open, loose around her. Like she doesn’t need it.


This passage makes me wonder why she's dressed that way; it certainly isn't normal winter clothing. Maybe there's a reason why she can dress lightly when it's so cold... Or does she just really like crop tops? It's hard to tell.

I roll my eyes, “No.”


The sentence here would end in a period, changing this to I roll my eyes. “No.”

Good, ‘cause they’re not real.”


This is another part that has a bit of mystery about this girl. If she's going to summon a demon, wouldn't she believe in ghosts too? What would make them not real? You certainly know how to subtly raise interesting questions in what you write!

“Are...are you going to summon a demon?” I asked. My heat was in my throat, beating, suffocating.

She hummed, balancing her elbows on the book, resting her chin on her laced fingers, “That depends. Can you keep a secret?”


I really like the ending here, because not only is it dramatic, it ends with the same line as the title and the starting sentence! It also lets us build and imagine the ending in our minds a bit, while still making it clear enough about what that ending might contain. The story feels a bit short, but the way it's closed makes that fine.

This was a fun, interesting story to read. Since you said you wrote it for school, I hope it works for whatever project you're using it for!

- Shadow






Thanks for the review! I'll definitely be applying some of the suggested edits to the story, probably just on the original doc, but they will be implemented lol.

-Cyr




"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk