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12+ Violence

It can take a long time to realize you're immortal.

by TheMulticoloredCyr

The girl dashed down the alley, risking a glance over her shoulder. She cursed, they were still chasing her. She toppled a pile of empty crates as she flew past them and dashed on, not daring to check if the crates slowed them down. “Stop!” One of them called after her. She glanced back to see the glint of steel in the moonlight. She gulped.

When she looked back in front of her she skidded to a stop. The ally had ended, giving way to a cliff, with the ocean hundreds of meters below. She was trapped. Her attackers circled her half a moment later and she prepared to fight, knowing she would lose.

“Whoa, whoa,” One of the men said, putting up his hands, “we don’t want to fight you, we just need you to come with us or we have to,” She hesitated, knowing there was no way she could fight them, or survive the fall into the water. She prepared to fight, preferring death to whatever they wanted her for.

“If that’s what you want,” That man said with a sigh as he took up a fighter's stance, knife ready. She mimicked his stance, fear showing clearly on her face.

The man lashed out with the knife and she dodged. When the next man tried to hit her she stepped back, forgetting the cliff. Her heel went off the edge and she tipped backwards, barely stopping herself from tumbling off the edge. The figures surrounded her and forced her back till her heels hung off the cliff and she was blindly throwing punches. Bruises and scratches covered her body, though it was too dark to see if she was bleeding. She was exhausted, but her attackers weren’t even winded.

One of them made a grab for her and she stepped back instinctively. She fell, letting out a blood curdling scream as she plumitted to her death. Her arms flailed uselessly as she clawed at the air, trying to catch anything to break her fall. She hit the water with a splash.

Pain shot up her back as it hit the water first. She tried to swim but every time she moved pain shot through her limbs, where she supposed her bones were broken, shattered like glass. She sank into the water, wondering how she wasn’t dead and wishing she was.

She lay like that for days, her lungs eventually stopping their pleas for oxygen and her pain eventually dulling to a throb. She lay with her eyes closed on the ocean floor, thinking for sure that she was dead. She heard a splash above her and opened her eyes, seeing the blurry form of a person swimming toward her. That’s strange, she thought absently and closed her eyes again.

She felt arms wrap around her and pull upward, toward the surface. I don’t need to breathe, she thought, just before realizing she was breathing. Somehow, she had managed to start breathing under the water. Her head was pulled above the surface and she gasped, amazed at the thinness of the chilly air. She heard gasping beside her and looked over to see her ‘rescuer’. He had blond hair and brown eyes and freckles covering his face and arms. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. That was all she was able to process before she was dragged onto the deck of a boat.

She sat up immediately, “Am I dead?” She asked, startling the man, who seemed to have been expecting her to be unconscious at least.

“Um, apparently not,” he responded hesitantly, “What happened?” He asked, wringing out his shirt.

“I don’t know, I fell,” She looked up at the cliff far above and realized how impossible her story sounded, no one could survive that fall. Them how did I?

“From where?” The man asked, following her line of vision.

“Um, a boat, I think I was pushed, I’m not sure, it’s all a bit fuzzy,” She didn’t meet his eyes, hoping he couldn’t tell she was lying.

“Well,” He said, his tone friendly, “my name’s Devin,” he stuck out his hand.

She shook it, “Selena,”

He smiled, “Well Selena, we’ll find out what happened to you, but first, you must be hungry,” as if to prove his point her stomach growled, taking away her need to answer. He laughed, “Alright then, I know a place we could get some great cheeseburgers not far from here,”

She nodded, “Let’s get going then Devin, I’m not sure when was the last time I ate,” He laughed and went to the front of the speedboat and started up the engine. Selena followed, the whole experience nagging at the back of her mind. No one should have survived that, a little voice in her head kept saying, you’re a freak, she couldn’t argue, she decided she didn’t want to. If being a freak meant she was alive, then she was happy to be one.

She had been twenty-five when that happened. Now, it’s her three hundred and fifty-eighth birthday. Sometimes it can take a long time to realize you’re immortal. Selena was no exception. That was just the first sign, there were plenty more. Thirty-three murder attempts, twelve years, and a year in the army later she accepted the facts. Selena was immortal. She didn’t know how or why, but honestly, she didn’t care. Selena’s only mistake was thinking she was the only one.

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Mon Dec 31, 2018 7:12 am
RemerMiguele says...

Quite interresting story. But, maybe it would be a bit better to open the secret of persons who followed Selena?As for me, I was sure that they all - not the random heroes. It was a sence that these guys knew something about Sirena. And she is aslo knew something about trey. Is it going to be some continuing for this story in fiture. It seems to be interresting to find out the background of the story.

Best regards

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33 Reviews

Points: 21
Reviews: 33

Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:23 pm
Swetachowdhury0 wrote a review...

Hiii dear, hope you are doing fine... Sweta here with my opinion on your work...

I liked your story. Its great it kept me hooked up till the end. The storyline is amazing and the characters are well developed too. But it would be better if you have shown a little more information about those attackers. When I read the line three hundred and fifty-eighth birthday, I thought she was a vampire or something. But it ended very soon you could write another chapter for this about how she realised and accepted the fact and more about her and Devin.

Overall story is really good and you did a great job... Keepcwriting and sharing....

Yeah, just about everyone tells me to tell more about the attackers at the beginning, so I'll work on that when I do the next edit.

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94 Reviews

Points: 3960
Reviews: 94

Sun Dec 30, 2018 8:13 am
ShapeOfVoid wrote a review...

Hi! Hiraeth here to review this awesome short story of yours (hope this helps).

The story follows an interesting story line; and you managed to take me through to the end of this story (something that happens really rarely when i read short stories; i lose patience very easily). This means that your plot was interesting, and it made me want to know more every time I read through or finished a part. So good work on imagination ( i like the setting of this poem), A+ for originality.

However, I feel as if this story ended quite abruptly. For one, I really, really wanted to know what would happen with Devin, how he came into her story, how important he became in the future, and how long he stayed.
So like in midst of "That was just the first sign, there were plenty more." and "She didn’t know how or why, but honestly, she didn’t care. Selena’s only mistake was thinking she was the only one," you could may be have added:

"She'd watched as Devin had died, old and gray, when she'd come to pay her respects; it had hurt more than she could have imagined when he couldn't recognize her, when he said 'Who are you? You look like someone I used to know a long time ago.'"

I also think, at the first scene, you leave the reader wanting to know WHY she was being chased, why there were guards after her, and who wanted her captured. If you care for moi advice, I'd say to stick to a minimal number of characters when you're writing a short story; since you have to manage a a lot of events in very few lines, it's a good idea to limit your story to a short time span or single events that occurred; and too many characters just use up the lines (to describe them, and describe how they fit into the story) that could have been used for the main plot line instead.

Sentence construction could have been better, If you re-read this again I'm sure you'll find some sentences which hinder the flow of the story, for example:

" I’m not sure when was the last time I ate,", no? You could change it with "I can't remember when I last ate," or even "I can't remember when I had last meal."

I like how you explain Selena's feelings though, especially her pain when she was nearly dying in the water; these lines are awesome:
"Pain shot up her back as it hit the water first. She tried to swim but every time she moved pain shot through her limbs, where she supposed her bones were broken, shattered like glass."

So these are simply my opinions, and I CAN be wrong; so take everything I said to heart.
Keep writing; for practice makes perfection.


So, the sentence structure thing I'm going to blame on this being pretty old (about a year and a half-two years) and, admittedly, really poorly edited. That's on me, and I'm going to fix that, but you also mentioned the fact that this story ends on a sort of cliffhanger. Both satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time. That would be because this was supposed to have a part 2, or 3, or more if I felt like it. I was planning this project where there are a bunch of kinda-sorta standalone stories about a community of immortals that has an introduction story for each character and an overarching plot that they each uncover a part of. I honestly have no idea why I ditched it, but I take you would like to read more of that?

ShapeOfVoid says...

I most definitely would! I WAS really enjoying it at some points, and like i said before, Devin was an interesting addition and I'm pretty sure the story would've gone very interestingly from there.

oh and " so take everything I said to heart." this was supposed be "so don't take everything i said to heart" *smacks forehead*

Well, I've gotta write some short stories for school anyway, so I'll get on that. I actually started two other stories in this collection so I'll see if I can wrap the one that I can easily access up and transfer the other one from the ancient relic that is my iPod touch into docs so I can edit and all that jazz. Would you like me to let you know when I post one of those?

ShapeOfVoid says...

Sure :)

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31 Reviews

Points: 2299
Reviews: 31

Sun Dec 30, 2018 5:26 am
promptlyby12 wrote a review...

That's a good story! I was really intrigued by the last line.
Now some suggestions:
The wording was a little awkward in some places. Try to cut out unnecessary phrases and make your sentences as conscise as possible, while maintaining their 'sense'. For example:
["we don’t want to fight you, we just need you to come with us or we have to,”]
You can instead say," Come with us, and save us the trouble of having to force you"
In[“Stop!” One of them called after her.] Cut out the "after her".
[She had been twenty-five when that happened]
She "was" 25 sounds better here.(Replace "that" with "this had".I think that wound sound better, but Im not sure abot it)
Also, dont start every sentence with "She", it makes the story sound awkward and muddled.
Don't use the phrase "She felt" frequently.
In. the first line, Use "She" instead of "The girl" to add a sense of familiarity.
There were some other awkward sentenses that could have been more conscise, but overall I really liked the theme and the use of imagery.
Sorry I just noticed one more thing: You might want to edit [She lay like that for days,] this line, it sounds awkward. You should stretch it out and describe her thoughts and feeling as the time passes, don't just jump to the fact that she 'lay' there for days, it adds a sense of flow and familiarity.
Overall, Good job!
Have a good day!

Thanks! Yeah, I only did a really quick edit before posting this, and that was, admittedly, mostly spell check. Thanks for the feedback, as I will most certainly be using it when I actually properly edit this thing. Which I will do eventually. Not now. I need to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Bye bye now, and goodnight!

promptlyby12 says...

Good Night!

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298 Reviews

Points: 1976
Reviews: 298

Sat Dec 29, 2018 11:02 pm
Horisun wrote a review...

Great story! Lets get the negatives out of the way first.
So, throughout the story, you used phrases like, "She heard" or, "She felt" There called filter words, and they make the reader feel distant from the story. For example, instead of, "She felt arms wrap around her and pull her upward" Instead you could say, "Arms wrapped around her and pulled her upward." You could say that Arms wrapped around her and pulled her upward.
Besides that, I only saw two other minor problems, some of the wording was a little awkward, and the ending felt a little unsatisfactory. Maybe that was just me though.
Other than that, you did a great job. The storyline was interesting, you created intense moments, and the title was eye catching.

As always, keep writing!

Thanks! I made this a few months ago, or maybe a few years ago, I honestly have no idea, but it was before I figured out how to trim out the filter words. I guess I missed that when I did the little quick edit, but thanks for pointing that out!

Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci