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Breathing

by TheMulticoloredCyr


Breathe in

Let their careless words engulf you

Let their hatred drown you

Breathe it in.

                                             

Breathe out

Hear the chorus sing

“Why are you so negative”

“Why to me”

                                             

Breathe in

Your classmates are miserable

But you can’t alleviate the pain you feel with them

So you breathe it in

                                                                     

Breathe out

Their words are venom now

“Why do you treat me like this?”

“After everything I’ve done for you!?”

                                                                             

Breathe in

Your lungs hurt

The pain of your peers

The pain of your own

The venom

                                                                              

Hold your breath

Suffocate on the pain

They don’t want it in the air

Spoiling the acid they spit

Forcing them to feel it

Hold it in

                                                         

Watch the stars in your vision

See how they sparkle

Now there’s only black

And you’re breathing again


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509 Reviews


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Sun Sep 08, 2019 4:29 pm
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hey there, @TheMulticoloredCyr! I'm here to review your work.

One of the things that I really love about this poem is the imagery that you use throughout. The references to venom, acid and pain added a darker tone to the poem - something that fits the poem's description. I also love how the situation progressed throughout the poem. It didn't feel rushed, and the frequent reminders to breath in and breath out also helped to keep the pace at just the right speed.

The only critique I have for this poem is the clarity. You do a great job describing what to do throughout it - when to breath in, when to breath out, and when to hold. The only problem is that it isn't outright clear why the "you" of the poem needs to do that. From the description and the references to the classmates, it's clear that there's some kind of problem in school. But the reader never knows what that problem is, so the poem doesn't reach it's full potential.

I really did enjoy reading this poem, even if it took me a reread or two to get the entire picture! I think the best way for me to end it is to quote my favorite stanza:

Watch the stars in your vision

See how they sparkle

Now there’s only black

And you’re breathing again


Happy #RevMo !

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Thanks for the review!



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14 Reviews


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Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:45 am
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DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza wrote a review...



Hiya! I’m here with a review. To start, I really like this poem and I haven’t read anything quite the same as this before. I like the uniqueness to its structure. One thing I would say is to add punctuation. Ofc that isn’t a big thing, but it would help with the flow a bit.

I liked how this poem didn’t rhyme and still flowed for the most part nicely. The ending wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t terrible either. I would say to go look back at it and maybe change it. Other than that, I really have no more critique.

Though I think you should have named this poem “Breathe.” It would have been more eye catching.

Anyways you’ve got something real solid here and I can’t wait to see what else you can come up with. You are really good at writing poems so please continue. As always, keep writing.

-Daria




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37 Reviews


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Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:15 am
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demoncat wrote a review...



Hello demoncat here to review this splendid poem.

I was so pulled into this poem that when you said stop breathing I'm like, oh no... Did the character just die? Then it turns out they just like reset themselves and I'm sitting here like "oh thank goodness." That's how good this is. It had me on the edge of my seat with emotion. And that is wonderful! I really loved this. There is so much feeling and you spaced it so well! Please, oh please continue writing poems like this. You do the writing I'll do the reading! Please. I love it. It's awesome! You should write more.




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Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:23 pm
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Alphas wrote a review...



Hi, I saw this and decided to review it.

I really do like the whole idea behind this and I don't have anything against it being honest. Just everything about it, I really do like the repetition aswell because I think it gives it a extra unique feeling. This is probably one of my favourite pieces of poetry that I've seen on this site.

Good job




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Sat Aug 03, 2019 9:22 am
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brookeallo wrote a review...



Hey,
I came to review some poems and came across this one.

Honestly It really hit somewhere with me and I could relate. It's just the way its written is amazing and I'm just at a loss for words. I'm sure theres grammar mistakes but its such a great poem that I just read over them. It's so beutiful and so beutifuly written it's one of the best poems I have ever read and the best poem I have read on here so far. Please never stop writting poetry you have an art and a special way with words that just captures the readers attention. Thankyou so much for writing and I really hope to read more from you. This poem was just what I needed. :)






Thanks! I'm glad that this meant something to you. My meaning tends to get muddled in metaphors, so I'm glad that didn't happen this time. Or maybe it did, but hey, any meaning at all is more than I usually get.




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi