Young Writers Society

Hey Liz! Danni here for a review!
I'm going to try something different and review like this, with my changes in bold, wrong things in strikethrough and my comments in italics.

Cami walked walks 'Walked' is in past tense here. The rest of the story is in present tense, so this is a bit confusing.up the trails. Around the big oak trees,over There should be a space in between 'trees,' and 'over'. the rocks, and up the hills. When she reaches the end of the trail, she stands at the edge of a cliff.

This is a really steep cliff,This would look better if it was in italics. Sshe thinks as she looks down at the water below her.

The water splashed and beats You don't need this 's'. It changes the tense. against the rocks,You don't need this comma here. and the cliff, creating a white foam.

Cami looks back up at the sky, and thinks about what just happened in the classroom at school.

The locker door suddenly slams shut.

“S’up, Hoe.” A husky female voice says.

Matilda Nealson stands in front of her, arms crossed over her chest.

"What do you want, Matilda?" Cami crosses her arms over her chest @Sujana already pointed this out, but it looks a bit strange if you use the same phrase quite close together., and glares at Matilda.

"I want you to leave my boyfriend alone. Matt is obviously not into you, you stupid nerd." Matilda reaches out,and grabs a strand of Cami's long brown hair, and pulls a pair of scissors. You use 'and' too many times in this sentence, and you also miss out the word 'out'. I would suggest: Matilda reaches out and grabs a strand of Cami's long brown hair, pulling out a pair of scissors.

"No!" Cami yells out, but not in enough time.she is too late.This looks a bit odd.

Matilda yanks Cami's hair, making her yell, and cuts the long strand in half.

Then she laughs, and walks away. Maybe combine these two sentences into a paragraph?

Cami falls theto the floor, and puts her forehead to her knees, feeling as though she is ugly.

"Cami?" A voice asks.

"Please, just go away, Matt." She says, standing up, and looking him in the eye.

"Who did this?" Matt growls, reaching out a hand to touch her hair.

"Don't touch me." She turns and runs.

She does not stop running until she gets to where she is now, the cliff.

Here she is now, looking down at the water, thinking about her death.

She steps forward, then as she sets one foot on the edge, her foot slips.

She falls, but her hand grabs onto the edge of the rock.

“AHHH!” She yells, her fingers slipping on the edge of the rock. Again, you use the same phrase too close together. It is also unnecessary as you already said she grabbed the edge of the rock.

“Cami!” A voice yells from above.

“Matt! Help! The edge of the cliff!” She grabs for a hand hold.

Then, her Shouldn't this be his head? After all, you didn't says she had pulled herself up? head appears, and he is grabbing her arms.

He hauls her over the side of the cliff, and holds her to his chest. "What were you doing? No. What were you thinking?"

"Nothing." She shakes outta out of It's inappropriate to use chatspeak in a work, unless the character has written or typed something that uses chatspeak and you want to portray it that way. For example:
Bob quickly texted Jane: Meet u in the park at nine.
Not: "Meet u in the park at nine," Bob said to Jane.
So yeah, change this to 'out of'.
his grip. "Put me down."

He immediately puts her down. "Why did you leave? Was it because of what Matilda did?"

"Yes." She admits, sitting down, because her knees were about to give out.

He comes and sits beside her, taking her hand slowly in his. "What she did was wrong, Cami. I broke up with her because I saw it."

Cami says nothing. She just looks out at the water, losing herself in the blue waves.

"I think you are still beautiful, Cami." He grabs her by the chin and he kisses her.

Overall, I liked this! I am a bit confused about how quickly Matt falls in love with Cami. If he loved her before, why was he dating Matilda? It seems a bit flat and fake to me.
Hope this helps! Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, and keep up the good work!

Danni x

Hey there. I'll be your reviewer today, and I'm hoping it'll be useful, if albeit a little harsh.

So, let's start with the grammatical nitpicks and all that.

The water splashed and beats against the rocks, and the cliff, creating a white foam.

So, I see that most of the work is written in present tense, but occasionally you slip back into past tense, which is normal--writing in present tense is quite difficult. Change 'splashed' into 'splashes.'

Cami looks back up at the sky, and thinks about what just happened in the classroom at school.

The locker door suddenly slams shut.

I find it odd that you're using present tense for everything when you have a situation where you CAN break from the present tense--that is, in a flashback. In fact, most of the time when I read present tense I expect the writer to go back in time to use past tense for a good reason. It gives the story a dreamy feeling, which might be intentional, but I doubt it because there's no in-story reason for why this would be the case. It's a very straightforward story, though one can argue that Cami may be losing her mind as she's driven to suicide, but I don't think that's explored enough to justify that feeling.

In short, consider changing the scenes from Cami being bullied by Matilda to Cami running away from Matt into past tense. It would make more sense.

Matilda Nealson stands in front of her, arms crossed over her chest.

"What do you want, Matilda?" Cami crosses her arms over her chest, and glares at Matilda.

Try not to repeat phrases within less than three paragraphs. Heck, less than a page, even. There are a lot of words and phrases in the English language, you could describe arm-over-chest in many different ways. Personally, I would say something along the lines of "Cami matches Matilda's stance, stuffing her hands under her arms and over her chest, yet somehow she felt smaller." Something more descriptive and shows a bit more to the reader than usual.

"I want you to leave my boyfriend alone. Matt is obviously not into you, you stupid nerd." Matilda reaches out, and grabs a strand of Cami's long brown hair, and pulls a pair of scissors.

Bolded: Pulls out a pair of scissors.

Italics: I don't know if it's just me, but all the bullies I read from in books and literature, in general, have the weakest insults. Maybe it's the lack of setup--I don't think any random insult would be stinging without a buildup beforehand. It's like a cruel, elaborate joke. A bully acts nice to the new kid and offers her some milk during lunch, and then pushes the milk into her face. The hopeful feeling and the sudden stinging betrayal gives a more uncomfortable atmosphere to the situation. You can opt for the quick and simple "Sup, Hoe" introduction, but since bullying IS the point of your story and not just a background tragedy, buildup would make the story more dramatic and meaningful.

Cami falls the the floor, and puts her forehead to her knees, feeling as though she is ugly.

Falls to the floor.

I feel bad for Cami. I don't think I need to be told that she feels ugly--if somebody cut my hair (assuming my hair is long enough to be cut, of course) I'd be insulted and demoralized. In a moment like this, showing emotion is more important than being told what the character is feeling. Describe the hot tears in her eyes, or the pain in her skull, or something. A physical reaction to the emotions she is feeling.

“Cami!” A voice yells from above.

“Matt! Help! The edge of the cliff!” She grabs for a hand hold.

A hand to hold.

"Nothing." She shakes outta his grip. "Put me down."

I'm not entirely certain whether 'outta' is appropriate here. Personally, in the third person, I like it better when writers stick to a formal or at least grammatically correct voice, but I don't mind colloquial speech in the narration too--though if you're going to be conversational once, I suggest being conversational the whole way, sprinkling a couple of odd words in there. Otherwise, stick to 'out of' rather than 'outta.'

Alright, so my general thoughts are you have to think about what you want for this story--as a general "Bullying is Bad" parable, it works like a towel or a soap dispenser. It does what it sets out to do, it's functional, but it's also bland, there's not much artistry or meaning behind the curtain and on the stage. Which doesn't do the story a favor, since it's already talking about a rather oversaturated topic.

I suppose what little interest could be caught on could be taken from the romance between Matt and Cami, but even then there isn't much to go off on. There's no description of how their relationship bloomed, no specific description of how they both look, that sort of thing. There's no good reason why Matt would be dating Matilda when he has an interest in Cami, though I'm assuming he DID have an interest in Cami before the breakup--if not, then Matt is pretty good at the rebound, huh? But yeah, what I'm trying to say is there's no flavour to the romance, no personality and no real reason for existence.

In conclusion, it's a rather inconsequential and safe story.

Good luck,

--Elliot.