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The Kidnapping at Hoffman Lane (NEW & IMPROVED)

by TeyaKnife


(There has been a few changes in the 1st chapter, but the 2nd chapter has been almost entirely changed. The plot has also changed. And, for those of you who want to learn more about Vicky's personality, well, that's coming in the 3rd chapter!)

Thank you all so much for reading!

Chapter 1

Graduation!

Isn’t odd how so much can change in such little time? In the blink of an eye, you could go from living an average life, to never being average in any way ever again. One singular thing, like being at the wrong place at the wrong time can change your whole life for better or for worse. This is the story of a girl whose life was changed. No, rather she was changed because of something that happened on a day that most of us would be excited for.

Victoria, or as she preferred Vicky, was a normal girl. Well, as normal as one can be I suppose, for what even is normal? Either way, she wasn’t particularly special, not like being the president’s daughter anyhow. She had fairly good grades and was somewhat athletic. However, it was her beauty that set her apart from others. She had tanned skin, long silky chestnut hair, and sweet rosy cheeks. As pleasant as those features were, it was her bright smile and sea blue eyes that made her so stunning. Her teeth were clean, and straight (she had had braces for two years between 4th and 6th grade), and her eyes were almost like looking into a vast blue ocean, and were nearly impossible to look away from.

This year she was graduating the 8th grade, and, as I’m sure you would expect, was looking forward to it. She attended a school called Hoffman Preparatory School of Education, or Hoffman Prep, which was located of Hoffman Lane. The school was made of brick and stone, and had a sort of colonial feeling. It had sizable oak trees, and a large grassy area in the front. It had classes from the 1st to the 8th grades.

“Can you believe this is the last day of school?” Vicky whispered to her best friend June.

“It’s pretty crazy I feel like this year has gone by so fast,” she replied a little too loudly.

“No talking during class,” said the Ms. Moore, irritated, “I know you’re excited to graduate, and believe me so am I, but you still must pay attention!”

June was a chatty girl, but, nevertheless, incredibly sweet. She had short, curly blond hair, and olive-green eyes. She enjoying being ‘in-the-know’ and was very fashionable. She kept up with the latest drama and fashion trends. Vicky often warned her to stay away from gossiping, which to her was like a bone to a dog. She and Vicky had been best friends for years, and planned to for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

June frowned at Vicky, and then went back to listening to the teacher talk about mathematics.

The day passed by quickly, and before they knew it, they were brought to a small ceremony. It wasn’t the official graduation, just a small good-bye, and speech. Afterward, the teachers announced that there was going to be a small party held in celebration. The parents had been told to pick up their children after the party through an email sent out a few weeks before-hand.

The party was amazing! There was a place where you could dance, a buffet with all kinds of food, and even a chocolate fountain! There were also a few tables set out where you could eat. The room itself was mostly dark except for a large disco ball right in the middle. Most of the students were dancing, which included Vicky and June.

“Isn’t this awesome?!” Shouted June. The music that was playing inside of the auditorium, or in this case, party room, was deafeningly loud, making conversations difficult

“I can’t believe the school did this. I love parties!”

Vicky laughed and they both continued dancing.

After about half an hour they both decided to take a rest, and grab some food.

“Oh my gosh!” Squealed Vicky. “They have a chocolate fountain!”

The party had been going for about an hour when all of a sudden, the loud speaker turned on with a beep.

“All students must leave the building immediately. An intruder has been spotted on the premises. I repeat: an intruder has been spot- Wait, please don’t-!” The announcement cut out with the sound of a gunshot echoing through the speaker. There was a stunned silence until someone, presumably a girl, shrieked. Chaos ensued. Everyone began screaming and running in every direction, trying to reach the closest exits. Another gunshot rang through the auditorium where the party was held. As Vicky tried to get through the crowd of panicked children, she saw Ms. Moore on the ground with a pool of blood around her head. She stopped for a moment fighting back tears. Ms. Moore had never been one of Vicky’s favorite teachers, but seeing her laying on the ground, dead, was something she would never wish upon anyone. She then continued rushing towards the exit, and breathed a sigh of relief as she walked through the door.

She was safe, or so she believed. A moment after she walked through that door leading to safety she saw a man. A tall man, with a dark black beard sticking through his black ski mask. He was wearing all black, and had the build of what you would perceive a lumber jack to have. In his hand, though, was not an axe, instead it was a gun. At this point in time, Vicky gazed at the man with pleading eyes, as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. The strange man stared back at her with no emotion in his eyes. He was as cold as ice, someone who was never fazed.

“This is it,” she thought, “my time has come.”

Then, instead, the man turned his gun upside-down, and hit her on the head. Everything went black. It was like space without stars. Like hell without fire. It was quiet, still, and lonely. But, above all, it was utter and complete darkness.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you regret something? You just wished, with all your soul, you could go back in time and change that thing. It may have been a small thing, maybe a large thing. Maybe this thing caused many other bad things to happen. What if you had called your parents to come pick you up from a friend’s house, and it turns out that on their way there a drunk driver crashed into your parent’s car killing them? You would wish that you had called you parents just 10 minutes later, and then they would probably would have been alright. But you would learn that time travel is not possible. And so, whatever your regret may be, you cannot fix it. Now you know how Vicky felt.

Chapter 2

Kidnapped

Perspective. This is a word describing how you look at things. For example: one can look at a glass half full, or a glass half empty. They say that if you look at a glass half full you tend to be optimistic, or look on the bright side of things. You can find the good in even the worst of places. From your perspective this is just a story, and Vicky’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences are fictional. However, for Vicky they were very real.

Before I continue with Vicky, you must first learn why she was kidnapped. When it comes to crime something that is very important is a motive, and these kidnappers had a motive. A motive that you must understand for anything to make sense.

These kidnappers worked in a gang called the Note. This gang kidnapped children and sent ransom notes to their parents in hopes of making money from desperate, panicked parents. This was a large underground gang, and they operated worldwide. They targeted the most prestigious, and rich schools. The reason being, the richer a family the more money they would be willing to pay for their precious child.

Of course, this was only part of their plan to reach their end goal, but you must remember: a goal without a plan, is but a simple wish. Every so often, they would take one of these kidnapped children with no intention of ever sending their family a ransom note. This child they would keep, and use to gather intel posing as an innocent student in another school. Hoffman Prep was the unlucky choice for finding the perfect undercover agent, and would be used for the biggest heist the world would ever see.

The Note had been planning to make a large kidnapping. By that I don’t mean a large quantity of children, I mean a large quantity of money from a smaller quantity of children. On Château du, 1180 Rolle, Switzerland, is the most expensive school in the world; Institut Le Rosey. It houses some of the richest children alive. What better school to go for? The only issue is that when it comes to rich people, they were only going to be protected even more. The Note had already figured out a way to infiltrate this school, but it was no easy feat.

The Note was a rich gang, but paying for someone to get into this school was very expensive. Not only that but, considering the high security, they needed someone who was already very wealthy to make it less suspicious. After all, what middleclass American family would pay $113,178 a year for their child to attend a school in Switzerland. Not only that, but where would the money come from?

The Note had one family that was already rich, but not by good means. In some ways they were like the Mafia. The Dixons were a distinguished family in the US, who were thought to have become wealthy by their successful restaurant chain called Dixon’s, however it was truly their illegal selling of guns that started them off. The Dixons were actually the people who had started the Note, and those who knew who they really were understood that they should keep quiet. That is if they valued their life of course.

By using the name Dixon, this could get this young child into the school, but of course they needed to find a way to get enough people into the school to kidnap all of the high school students. They key was to make sure it wasn’t in the school. It needed to be a party outside of school, one that wasn’t part of the school schedule. Something that was organized by the kids. They needed a young girl who could easily become popular. She would preferably be very beautiful, enjoy partying and talkative.

The entire plan had been made, and they were missing only one thing. The most important, crucial, key part. The young girl.

Now that you understand what their motives were, I will now divulge what their kidnapping plan was for Hoffman Preparatory. A boy who had been in Vicky’s class named Conner had to gather all of the information that was needed to begin the kidnapping. He had also created a list of all of the possible fits for this role. They were looking for chatty, and pretty girls that would easily become popular at Le Rosey. This kidnapping plan wasn’t their usual plan, which was to take everyone quietly for ransom. They wanted a big commotion for a distraction so they could take all of the girls on Conner’s list and choose from them. The girls who would not be chosen for the part they would use for ransom.

As for kids who were left as a distraction, well that was Conner’s other job. He first needed to learn, with the help of the rest of the gang, if any of the children who attended the school had parents who were police officers. They would then also need to see which days this parent was on the job. Now the Note would know when to ‘attack’. The daughter or son of the police officer would be taken hostage as leverage. “You let us go, we’ll let your kid go.” This would just be what they say in the beginning. In case the police think that they’re bluffing, they would then prove it. Not by killing the innocent child, but by shooting one of the teachers.

The frightened father or mother, would most likely attempt to convince others to make this trade. For them having their child safe is worth letting a few criminals go. Especially if they were just going to kill more undeserving people.

At this point in time, all of the research had been done. All that was left, was execution. One of the officers, whose name was David Cretan, had a daughter in the 8thgrade. Her name was June.


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Sat Sep 05, 2020 2:17 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back to take a look at this improved version...let's see how much improvement it has.

First Impression: So this was definitely an improvement from the last one. I feel like the explanation is much better even though its now maybe a little long...so I'm not sure if its too much of an info dump. Other than that I loved the improvements and I think I have some suggestions too that I'll leave down there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Thank you all so much for reading!


You're Welcome!! :D

Isn’t odd how so much can change in such little time? In the blink of an eye, you could go from living an average life, to never being average in any way ever again. One singular thing, like being at the wrong place at the wrong time can change your whole life for better or for worse. This is the story of a girl whose life was changed. No, rather she was changed because of something that happened on a day that most of us would be excited for.


The opening is still just as unique and effective as ever. It's a lovely little take on the usual narrating style and of course still grabbing our attention just as well.

“Can you believe this is the last day of school?” Vicky whispered to her best friend June.

“It’s pretty crazy I feel like this year has gone by so fast,” she replied a little too loudly.

“No talking during class,” said the Ms. Moore, irritated, “I know you’re excited to graduate, and believe me so am I, but you still must pay attention!”


Nice bit of dialogue but i think "Must still" would sound a bit better than "still must". Maybe its just me but the way its written now it just sounds a little awkward.

“Isn’t this awesome?!” Shouted June. The music that was playing inside of the auditorium, or in this case, party room, was deafeningly loud, making conversations difficult

“I can’t believe the school did this. I love parties!”

Vicky laughed and they both continued dancing.

After about half an hour they both decided to take a rest, and grab some food.

“Oh my gosh!” Squealed Vicky. “They have a chocolate fountain!”

The party had been going for about an hour when all of a sudden, the loud speaker turned on with a beep.


The little bit of extra information there is pretty good. It does help establish the setting a bit better.

“All students must leave the building immediately. An intruder has been spotted on the premises. I repeat: an intruder has been spot- Wait, please don’t-!” The announcement cut out with the sound of a gunshot echoing through the speaker. There was a stunned silence until someone, presumably a girl, shrieked. Chaos ensued. Everyone began screaming and running in every direction, trying to reach the closest exits. Another gunshot rang through the auditorium where the party was held. As Vicky tried to get through the crowd of panicked children, she saw Ms. Moore on the ground with a pool of blood around her head. She stopped for a moment fighting back tears. Ms. Moore had never been one of Vicky’s favorite teachers, but seeing her laying on the ground, dead, was something she would never wish upon anyone. She then continued rushing towards the exit, and breathed a sigh of relief as she walked through the door.


Another improvement there with the stunned silence. It definitely adds to the realism of the whole scenario.

She was safe, or so she believed. A moment after she walked through that door leading to safety she saw a man. A tall man, with a dark black beard sticking through his black ski mask. He was wearing all black, and had the build of what you would perceive a lumber jack to have. In his hand, though, was not an axe, instead it was a gun. At this point in time, Vicky gazed at the man with pleading eyes, as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks. The strange man stared back at her with no emotion in his eyes. He was as cold as ice, someone who was never fazed.


I don't think you need that last phrase there. Saying that he was as cold as ice is enough. That one feels like a repetition and doesn't really add much to it. You can easily see that he's not fazed and that's enough to get the point across.

Before I continue with Vicky, you must first learn why she was kidnapped. When it comes to crime something that is very important is a motive, and these kidnappers had a motive. A motive that you must understand for anything to make sense.


This reminds me of a history channel documentary for some reason.

These kidnappers worked in a gang called the Note. This gang kidnapped children and sent ransom notes to their parents in hopes of making money from desperate, panicked parents. This was a large underground gang, and they operated worldwide. They targeted the most prestigious, and rich schools. The reason being, the richer a family the more money they would be willing to pay for their precious child.


That does seem like a much more plausible plan...and probably something that's also happening right now...most rich people would prefer to just pay and get things done with.

Of course, this was only part of their plan to reach their end goal, but you must remember: a goal without a plan, is but a simple wish. Every so often, they would take one of these kidnapped children with no intention of ever sending their family a ransom note. This child they would keep, and use to gather intel posing as an innocent student in another school. Hoffman Prep was the unlucky choice for finding the perfect undercover agent, and would be used for the biggest heist the world would ever see.


That seems a little...risky...I mean unless they like thoroughly brainwash someone I don't see how they could make a kid report things back to them unless the child's family was also kidnapped or did something else. I'm not sure if maybe you're not mentioning it here because you want to show that in action next chapter so I'll just point it out and leave it.

By using the name Dixon, this could get this young child into the school, but of course they needed to find a way to get enough people into the school to kidnap all of the high school students. They key was to make sure it wasn’t in the school. It needed to be a party outside of school, one that wasn’t part of the school schedule. Something that was organized by the kids. They needed a young girl who could easily become popular. She would preferably be very beautiful, enjoy partying and talkative.


So at this point I have to wonder what happens to those families...wouldn't they be constantly searching for the missing children and therefore wouldn't the child eventually be found? I'm hoping we get to know more on this too.

The frightened father or mother, would most likely attempt to convince others to make this trade. For them having their child safe is worth letting a few criminals go. Especially if they were just going to kill more undeserving people.


At his point I have to wonder how a child is going to be able to get all this information. Sure they can find out if someone has a parent that's a police officer but actual schedules of them being deployed? Wouldn't those be rotated regularly and have a bunch of variables like say for example the unit that the parent is on got called away to deal with a robber in some other part of town and then a separate unit gets sent. All I'm saying is that's a little shaky if you analyze it a bid deeply. I'd expect a better backup plan like maybe the children of one of the teachers because that's more of a guaranteed thing? These are just some thoughts I had.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: This is a pretty good opening still...a better one I'd say. And hopefully you find those suggestions helpful...I'm just pointing those out because I had some time to think about it and I wanted to mention them. It's still a wonderful piece of writing. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




TeyaKnife says...


Thank you very much! I am very glad you like this version more. I am aware that some of it doesn't make a ton of sense, but considering this is a fictional story it would be very difficult. Not impossible, but very challenging for an amateur writer. As for why the child would help these kidnappers, I will reexplaining that in another chapter. Again, thank you!



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!
I'm just being as critical as I can be here...most people would barely notice some of those technical things...sort of like me giving you the worst case scenario but there are plenty of published books with much less believable plots..xD
Good luck with your writing and looking forward to more chapters!!



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Sat Sep 05, 2020 1:38 am
spunkyspacekitty wrote a review...



Hey Teyaknife,

This is a very good story. I reviewed the old version, and I like the changes. The ransom notes make more sense than being sent in a orphanage (unless this took place in somewhere like Africa). You definitely have an enjoyable style and voice in your writing. I don't have much to critique, you really improved it. All I can say is I can't wait to read the next chapter!

spacekitty




TeyaKnife says...


Thank you very much. Yeah, I figured it made much nore sense, and I was trying to make it is realistic as possible.



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 6:51 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hello again TeyaKnife, I'm here to review the new and improved version. Let me start off by saying that this version is a lot better than the one before it. The paragraphs and writing flow a whole lot smoother and the plot is so much more thick and intense, I just have a few suggestions. First, when a character is thinking, it helps to italicize thoughts. When you say this:

“This is it,” she thought, “my time has come.”


I would recommend italicizing it. For me at least, it would help the text flow better as I would immediately be able to tell it was a though.

Secondly, do you feel like you're maybe giving away to much information for a mystery book in chapter 2? I don't know the whole plot to the book but it might be a little too much. Overall this was a major step up from the first draft and I really like it. I can not wait for chapter 3 to come out and until then, good luck and happy writing!




TeyaKnife says...


Thanks for the feedback, and I'm happy that you like the new version



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 5:23 pm
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Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello again! You might remember me from the first incarnation of this story and I'm back once again! I really, really like this version. The narrator is much smoother, the plot is trickier, and the background more thought out! Very, very good job!
I noticed very few things you could change with this. Just a few miner punctuation things I would simply suggest you go over and review.
Though, the thing I wondered most about was-why did the children they used to infiltrate the school cooperate so well. Did they threaten them, break them, bribe them, what? I'd assume its the first one, but I'm not sure. If you decide to edit this again, maybe you could add something about that in it.
But other than that, I really enjoyed this! I hoped this helped!




TeyaKnife says...


Thank you very much, and I do remember you. I'm glad you like the updated version. And, I was going to explain why the kidnapped children cooperated in the next chapter.



Lezuli says...


Yep! That makes sense! Thanks for clearing it up




We always talk about the "doers" and "dreamers" but I'd like to give a big shoutout to the "tryers".
— Hannah Hart