WWolf here for a review. Nice to meet you. 
First off, you have this classified as a script, but it isn't in the format for a script. What is it a script for? Plays, films, and radio dramas all have different formats. So whichever this is for just do a quick google search of how to format it, also reading some would help too.
Unless this is a short story and you just accidentally labeled it wrong in which case everything I've just said is irrelevant. lol
Your opening sentence is good, it catches the reader's attention. I'm a bit confused as to if Mice actually said that or if she thought it. (you said said but you didn't put it in quotation marks). I don't really see how it ties into the next bit.
In the first paragraph you have two typos, "hoands" instead of "hands" and "the" instead of "her".
Mice didn’t do anything wrong, but his Mom thought he did drugs! That’s why she acted so foul to him ALL THE TIME! But she didn’t know that. And so they hated each other alot. They argued constantly. Since Mice was three all she really did was yell at him. Then he met a girl named Susanne. She had blonde hair, blue eyes and black hair. They went to the mall alot and talked about their problems. And also movies because they both liked movies.
I see several things I personally would change in this paragraph. First off, the fact that his mom thinks he does drugs is the perfect kind of thing to show instead of tell. It's the kind of thing that flows smoothly in dialogue without ever actually saying it and leaving it for the reader to assume. If I where you I wouldn't pass up this opportunity. It's little things like that that really make a piece shine.
"Since Mice was three..." I interpreted (at first) as "Because Mice was three..." and I was like that doesn't even make sense. So then I had to go back and try to figure out what you meant. I believe you meant "Ever since Mice was three..." If you worded it that way it'd be easier for the reader to understand in the first go.
Is it a typo or do you mean that Susanne has both blonde and black hair?
“Yes,” Emily said. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to movies with me?”
Mice frowned. “No, I don’t want to go to the movies with you. Sorry.”\
Who is Emily?
Having Mice say the whole thing back sounds a bit redundant. I would stick with just "No, sorry".
The next bit is a repeat of the above. I'm going to guess that means you copy-and-pasted this from somewhere else and things got out of order. So, yeah.
Everything sounds really rushed. Is this supposed to be an outline? I feel like you're just stating all the major things and not really doing anything with them. The first bit sounds like a story, and then the second half sounds like an outline, but it's labeled as a script, so I really don't know what it is.
Overall I think the plot sounds really cool. There is a lot you could do with Mice's character development that would be super awesome. I do hope you post more of it on YWS as you work on it. It really does sound good.
One last thing, I don't get the title. I didn't see anyone named Chip Douglas. Unless, of course, that is Mice's real name, in which case you need to make that more clear.
So, I hope I've said something useful. (lol) I can't wait to see what this turns into! As always, keep writing!
Points: 1832
Reviews: 121
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