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You Can't Do That!

by SunsetTree


In the small town of Cherryville, there was nobody more rotten, horrible, and despicable than the man known only as Foul Louie. There was not an ounce of kindness, nor integrity nor a drop of aptitude from the fourty-nine-year-old who ate, drank, slept and watched television all day. Well, at least he had a job, although his place of employment was down to one person after everyone else had quit in protest of his hiring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Louie sang under his breath, merrily driving home in his red pickup truck after another daunting day in the office. “Lazybones, sleeping in the sun…hmph?”

There’s only one thing that could stop him from humming his favorite country tune by Louis Armstrong. “Cops?” he exclaimed, looking behind him as red and blue sirens blared his eyes and pierced his ears, a chubby officer in a blue uniform smiling widely from the driver’s seat of his police cruiser.

Gah!” Foul Louie exclaimed, cursing under his breath as he pulled over to the side of the road.

A minute later, the bald officer knocked on the driver’s side window. “Sir?” he asked.

“Yeah?”Louie responded.

“I’ll need you to roll the window down, sir.”

“Yeah.”

“So do it!”

“Can’t,” Louie said. “It’s stuck.”

“Oh,” The officer responded. With a loud grunt, he cocked back his arm and lunged his fist towards the window, shattering it into pieces.

Louie twitched as shattered glass rang out throughout the car and country road street. “You…are…what…hey! Are you…are you insane? What are you thinking you’re even trying to do? Breaking my window? Where’s the law that says you can break my window? That costs money to fix, you know! Money I don’t have!”

“Sir, you ran a stop sign,” the police officer responded.

“Stop sign. I ran a stop sign?”

“Yes sir, you ran a stop sign. You can’t run a stop sign. I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Ticket,” Louie muttered with a sly chuckle. “Ticket, ahah…yeah. Why don’t you ticket this!”

Louie stomped his foot on the gas pedal, speeding away from the chubby officer, cackling maniacally all the way home.

***

“Wooh, finally,” Louie said, wiping sweat off his forehead as he pulled in front of the garage of his small suburban home. “Home sweet home.”

He unbuckled his seatbelt and wrapped his fingers around the handle to the door, when the car began to shake like an earthquake. “Agh! What the…? Ayeyahah!” he cried, feeling the car he was in rise into the air.

It continued, until suddenly, he was ten or twelve feet off the ground. He looked around, noticing a tow truck below lifting him up ahead.

“Hey! Hey! You down there!” He cried through the broken window, angrily shaking his fist in the air. “You see me sitting here? What are you trying to do to me?”

“Sir?” The meek tow truck driver responded. “You sped away from an officer after they pulled you over.”

“Yeah? So what if I did?”

“You can’t speed away from an officer after they pull you over.”

“So, you’re taking my car? Why don’t you just arrest me, then?”

“No, I’m not taking the car because of that,” the tow truck driver responded. “I’m taking it because it’s a pickup truck.”

“A pickup truck? But I’ve been driving a pickup truck for all my life!” Louie cried.

“But Cherryville Mayor Mrs. Lhump has forbidden pickup trucks,” The tow truck driver explained, as he started driving away with the truck in tow. “They consume too much fuel. Sorry!”

“Wait, now! Hey! Hey!”

Louie opened the car door and jumped out, falling and landing in a flower garden below. “Agh…oofh!” he cried.

***

Louie stormed into his modest home, shutting the door behind him, hanging up his ten-gallon hat on the post to the left as he flicked the light switch to his home on.

He made it three steps forward, before he heard the door open again. He looked behind him and a young blonde woman appeared with a large smile on her face.

“I’m sorry sir, but Cherryville Mayor Mrs. Lhump doesn’t allow ten-gallon hats anymore,” The blonde woman said, snatching the hat into her arms. “And you can’t turn on lights unless you’re one of the first ten in the neighborhood – her genius plan on saving energy!”

Before Louie could say anything, the woman shut the door. “Hey…now you can’t…” Louie muttered, before letting out a loud cackle. “Heh heh heh heh heh.”

A large smirk under his nose, he flicked the switch to the light once again, bringing an unearthing brightness throughout his entire house.

“You can’t do that, sir!” The blonde woman said.

Louie jumped and turned around, seeing the same woman smiling at him gleefully. “Where did you come from!?” He asked, as the blonde woman began to cover the light switch with a roll of duct tape.

***

“At least I can watch some good TV,” Louie said, sitting down in his comfy brown sofa, grabbing his black remote. “Let’s see what’s on?”

He clicked the power button, the boxed television turning on to the news station, a middle-aged reporter appearing at a desk.

“We’re interrupting this story to tell you this,” The woman said. “I’m sorry Foul Louie, but you can’t watch the news except for during the morning anymore.”

“What? What do you mean?” Louie said. “Why not?!”

“Cherryville Mayor Mrs. Lhu-”

“I don’t care what Mrs. Hump said! I want to watch some television!”

“Goodbye, Louie,” the anchor said, the television shutting itself off.

“Agh!” Louie cried, pressing the power button on the remote several times but to no avail.

***

“How about some breakfast,” Louie said, approaching the refrigerator, taking a pause and smirking with his hand wrapped around the label. “Let me guess, someone in the fridge telling me I can’t have eggs, right?”

“Hah!” He exclaimed, yanking the fridge open, finding no such being to his great relief.

The freezer door popped open, a chubby blonde man poking his head out. “Can’t eat breakfast when it’s not in the morning!” He said. “Cherryville may-”

“Shut up!” Louie said, slamming the freezer shut and storming out of the room.

***

Louie grabbed a coat and hat, opening the front door of his home. A scrawny teenage boy appeared, a wide grin on his face. “Sorry, you can’t use this do-”

“Ngh!” Louie grunted, delivering a right hook to the boy’s face, leaving him out cold in the doorway. He stepped outside, only to hear a loud rumbling noise coming from the sky.

There was a helicopter up above. An old lady with her gray hair curled up into a ponytail appeared, hopping out of the plane, landing safely on the ground. “I’m sorry! I’m going to have to ask you to stay home,” she said.

“I can’t even leave my own home, now?”

“Nope! Cherryville mayor Mrs. Lhu-”

“I’m…I’m…I’m…I’m leaving home,” Louie said. “And you can’t stop me.”

“Oh, yes I can.”

“No you can’t.”

“Oh, yes I can.”

“Nope!” Louie said, taking off and running right into the middle of the road.

“Louie! Louie!” The old lady yelled. “You can’t just run into traffic like that!”

“Oh yes I can,” Louie rebutted, stopping a white Sudan right in its tracks, opening the driver’s side door and yanking the driver right out of the vehicle.

“Louie! You can’t just steal someone’s car!” The old lady said.

“Oh yes I can!” Louie said, speeding off in the vehicle.

That afternoon, Cherryville Mayor Mrs. Lhump was all set to hold a press conference down near city hall, broadcast live and all over Cherryville. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Lhump!” the reporter said with a smile. “I’m ready whenever you ar-what in the name of all things is that!?”

“Excuse me?” Mrs. Lhump said. “A reporter like yourself can’t make comments like that about your mayor. Do apologize. Wah!”

The Sudan came to a screeching halt just inches away from Mrs. Lhump and the reporter. Louie hobbled out, staring straight at the camera. “I can’t run stop signs anymore, I can’t watch TV anymore! We’re having a news conference in the afternoon, even though you you made it so we aren’t allowed to watch the news in the afternoon anymore! That’s ridiculous! I’m done! I’m moving out of this town! I’m moving out of Cherryville! That’s it! I’ve had it!”

“Oh no, Louie,” Mrs. Lhump said. “You can’t move out of Cherryville.”

“Why not?”

Mrs. Lhump smiled. “Because I’m moving first! I can’t stand what I’ve done to it, either! Bye!”

Mrs. Lhump jumped into the sudan, driving off into the distance, never to be seen again.

The End


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User avatar
79 Reviews


Points: 250
Reviews: 79

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Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:50 pm
Sevro wrote a review...



Yo yo yo tigeraye! Caterpickle here for a quick two-minutes-until-dinner review! I thought that this was very funny, and I could imagine Louie's pain, because the mayor sounds like my parents, disregarding the end, where they leave. They haven't done that yet. But anyway, I really enjoyed reading this, and honestly can't find any negative tips for you. I enjoyed the way you made Louie sound, when you wrote his dialog. In my head I imagined him sounding like an old redneck guy who grunts about everything. Great job with this story, and my dinner is...ready!




SunsetTree says...


Thanks friend.



User avatar
298 Reviews


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Reviews: 298

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Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:29 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



(Oh..... M-my......)

Greetings! I, Holographic Ladybug, here to review you!

This was a funny story. It really was. I love how everything bad keeps happening to Louie because of all of the stupid laws. And even the mayor can't stand it! How did you come up with this?

This wasn't terribly descriptive--but that's ok, not all humor stories need to be that way. (Has Mrs. Lhump made a law against that yet?) I just found everything so ridiculously hilarious that your story has kept me chuckling all the way.
This is a unique piece of work; I really don't have anything else for you.
Awesome. Just awesome.




SunsetTree says...


thanks, friend. The general idea was derived from an earlier story I wrote, where a well-liked man is blamed for a crime he didn't commit, and suffers the prices for it. I wasn't satisfied with the story I wrote and never did anything further for it, but I liked the generalized idea of a story portraying in general the "get away with nothing", PC society I feel we've become. I also wanted to write something different -- most of the things in my portfolio were either crime dramas, or narratives dealing with death, which I felt were all virtually the same. So, I wanted to write something different, and this became of it.

I don't expect you to read all that, but haha, that's just the backstory for this. Thanks for reviewing ^^




“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451